


Feelings Stay the Same

by catrinahart



Series: Feelings Stay the Same Series [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Boys In Love, Famous Harry Styles, Golfer Niall, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Niall and Harry are exes, Niall has a tattoo, Original Character (minor) - Freeform, Past car accident injury Niall, and its somewhat important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:09:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 83,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9821945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catrinahart/pseuds/catrinahart
Summary: Harry and Niall are childhood friends that turned into teenage sweethearts.  But Harry left Niall behind to chase his dream of making music and movies.  He's achieved many of his goals but he soon realized that they don't really mean much without the right person by his side.  Now he's decided to relocate back to London, become the friend, brother, and son he always wanted to be and win back his very reluctant Irish ex-boyfriend.  He's in for a shock because Niall is not the same sunshine filled boy that he remembers and there is a lot of pain and resentment that he has to work through before he's going to get anywhere.  The good news is everyone is on his side, well, everyone but Niall that is.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first multi-part fic. I started working on this fic last year and I've decided that its just time to put chapter one out there. I will admittedly say that I know very little about golf other than the fact that Niall loves it, so please bear with any inaccuracies in the story.
> 
> As always, not proof-read by anyone but me so all mistakes are mine.

Harry doesn’t really pay attention to his twitter, so it doesn’t even show up on his radar.  He has all of his notifications turned off and he really doesn’t check it regularly.  If he did he wouldn’t have time for anything else.  He’ll only go on for different holidays and  when his management team asks him to; maybe post a picture of the latest campaign he’s modeled in, promote the song he has coming out, and he did post a couple behind the scene pictures that Christopher Nolan approved.  His fans loved them.

 

But right now he’s on break for two weeks after relocating from LA back to London.  So the last thing he’s expecting is a call from his manager on Thursday afternoon.

 

“Hey, Jeff. What’s up?”  He ends up answering the call rather quickly just because he already had it in his hand, looking at his calendar, trying to remember what the plan was for the day.  Was there a plan for today?  Apparently not.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you dated Niall Horan?”  Jeff sounds, stressed and more than a little perturbed.  He can hear papers shuffling in the background and then a mouse click followed by more rapid clicks.

 

For just a moment, Harry is shocked silent.  Because _what_ _the_ _hell_?

 

“We dated, ages ago, back when I was first discovered.  What does it matter?”  He knows he sounds annoyed because, well, he is.  The people he knows, they _know_ not to ask him about Niall.  It’s a sore spot to say the least.

 

Niall...  He thinks about him almost every day and even though he was the one that broke it off, he still isn’t over his first love.  He has regrets and he’s always felt like you shouldn’t go through life with regrets.  So he’s going to fix it… or try anyway.   Its part of the reason he’s moving back to London.  He needs to be closer, start rebuilding the bridges he burnt down years ago. 

 

It was like a slap to his face a couple years ago.  He’d said something, even now he doesn’t remember what, but it made him cringe.  It made him realize that he didn’t like who he’s becoming now and while he can’t go backwards, he can go back to his roots.  LA is doing little to keep him humble and kind and he is aware enough of himself that he knows he needs to get away from the toxicity. 

 

When he first got discovered, Niall had kept him grounded and then when he moved, he cut Niall off, long distance was too complicated, too hard, and all this work was going to launch his music career, and while it did, he knew now that he sacrificed the wrong things.  This, however, was none of Jeff’s business, no one’s business really… but Niall and himself.

 

“Well your sister posted a ‘throw back Thursday’ picture and it’s the two of you.  And it’s pretty obvious you are more than just friends.”  Jeff sounds upset when really Harry feels like _he_ should be the one upset, Gemma should know better.  But he knows, knows that he needs to play this off …as nothing. 

 

“Gems doesn’t have that many followers on twitter.  Why’s that a big deal anyway?” He mutters.

 

“She has three and a half million!  It’s gone fucking viral and we weren’t prepared. _It’s_ _trending_!?”

 

“What in the world do you need to prepare for?”  Harry asks, seriously, his annoyance seeming to dial up more and more.  He’s on break, moving, he shouldn’t have be to dealing with this shit. “Do you need to know we became best friends when we were six, then like 10 years later we went on a date?  It didn’t work out until the next year it did.  We dated for 3 years before I got discovered singing in a music shop and we broke up when I moved to the States?  Why does any of that matter?” 

 

That’s a quick summary even though it’s not exactly right.  He remembers when Niall moved in next door.  The sad kid with the funny accent that didn’t want to play because he missed home, but Harry was even more persistent as a child than he is now; it wasn’t long before he was dragging the boy, to the playground, to the creek, to the bakery to look at all the treats in the window.   From then on they had been inseparable.  

 

They were each other’s first kiss, but Harry hadn’t wanted to settle right away, and Niall being Niall just went with the flow.  Let Harry do his thing.  He tried dating Nick and Taylor.  Then a year later he caught glimpse of Niall snogging Eoghan and he didn’t like it, didn’t like that at all, he learned what true jealousy was.  He kissed him again and then there was no going back.  Until he got discovered, got successful, and decided to break up with him before he left him behind; he was already having a hard time handling his minor fame, he couldn’t expect Niall to handle it as well.  It was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. 

 

He looks out the window to London’s skyline.  It was good to be home, he had yet to run into Niall, but he wasn’t trying yet. He didn’t live near his parents and he didn’t think Niall did either.  But maybe they would run into each other?  It was going to happen soon anyway.  They were only two weeks away from Liam’s wedding and he wouldn’t miss it for the world, even though Harry did already miss the stag party.  But he guesses that Niall feels the same way.  They’ll both be there and even though Harry hasn’t been the best friend for Liam, he will be now.

 

Their friends had been as neutral as they could when he and Niall split, but he knew they didn’t agree with his decision to break up with him just shy of their four year anniversary.  But they were children then, all of them, and what did they know?

 

“Harry, are you listening to me?”  It snaps Harry back into the moment.

 

“No, not really.”   He rolls his eyes, meandering back to the desk and looking back to the open script that he was starting to read.    It hasn’t caught his interest yet, he thinks that says all it needs to say, but he’s trying.

 

“You need to; this could affect your career.  You are both in the public eye, regularly.  What if now someone asks him about it?  Was it a bitter break up?  Could he try to ruin you?”   Jeff’s voice is rising in volume, echoing his frustration with him.  Harry really doesn’t care, this is part of the reason he wanted to get away from LA.  This wasn’t a big deal.

 

“Jeff, Niall’s not like that,” never like that, “He won’t try anything like that, but don’t we have people for that?”  It’s an honest questions, he’s never had to really deal with that before.

 

“Do you talk to him?”  Jeff asks.

 

“Uhh, no.”  Tried a couple years back, when he hit rock bottom, no one had answered. Tried again when Niall was in the car accident, went straight to voicemail, ended up calling Gems and crying to her instead, still hadn’t talked to him.  Liam’s wedding was going to be his first chance.

 

“Ok and you don’t follow each other on twitter, instagram, or Facebook, so that’s good.  He does however follow Gemma, comments on her articles rather regularly.  Are they close?”

 

“Uhh, close, maybe,” but he doesn’t know, not for sure. Gemma was always so careful to only talk to him only about certain things.  Unlike the others, though, she wasn’t scared to mention Niall to him.  Would actually talk about him and fill him in on things, but was careful not to reveal too much, didn’t want to betray Niall.

 

“Call her. Find out. I need to know how to deal with this.”  Jeff hangs up with him on a click.  Harry looks at the phone, still a little annoyed.  If anyone should be annoyed it should be him.  This is messing up his plans more than Jeff’s.

 

He goes to the little blue bird, clicks on it, ignores all the gossip and this and that, and finds his sister.

 

His breath freezes in his lungs when he sees what picture she posted.  It was one of his favorites. The way that Niall’s smile was bright for the camera, but Harry knew it was really for him, laughing at him.  The way his arms are around his waist, tight, pulling him close, even though he wasn’t even looking at him.  He misses feeling like that.  Feeling loved like that.

 

He doesn’t hesitate calling his sister; he would have anyway today or tomorrow.  They need to have lunch, now that he’s home, he wants to see her more often, become the brother he used to be, the one she deserves to have.

 

“Hey bug, how you doing?”  Her voice is cheerful but it usually is, nothing much usually gets Gemma down.

 

“Uhh, ok, I guess, but, c’mon, what were you thinking Gems?”  He knows she knows, she’s a journalist always on Twitter, always knows what’s going on.

 

 “I don’t know what you are talking about.”  He can _hear_ her trying to look innocent.  It makes him want to laugh.

 

“Yes you do.”

 

“Liam’s wedding is right around the corner.  Both of you are going to be there.  It’s been almost four years since you guys broke up.  Don’t you think it’s time to mend some fences?  I’m just reminding you guys of what used to be there.”  Harry can’t help but think it’s a little ironic that she’s thinking this; it’s been his goal for the last year and half, but a world tour and then filming a blockbuster movie can get in the way of that.  And if he’s going to do this right it’s going to take some dedication, time, and a lot of positive thinking.

 

“There were better ways to do that than throwing a picture like that online.”  He points out.  “You could have talked to me about it ya’know.” 

 

“Are you mad at me, Harry?”  Her words are measured, calculated, obviously testing the waters.

 

Harry lets out a big sigh, because, “No, I’m not mad.”  He stops and heaves out another sigh, “Do you talk to him?”

 

“On the regular, I’ve seen him more this year than I have you.  He makes time for me unlike my own flesh and blood brother.”

 

“Ouch, not pulling any punches today are you?”  It’s not like he didn't realize that he was being a twat.  He hasn’t been the best friend, son, or brother since he left for the States and his bright amazing career, that isn’t nearly as amazing when you don’t have the right people around you to share it with.   It took him two years to realize he wasn't happy, another year to convince his music label and management label that he could work from London, then do his world tour and shoot and promote a block buster film.  But now it was time.   He needs to be home, he needs to be grounded here, and he needs to remember what's important.

 

“Listen, bug, I’m glad you’re home, I'm glad that you want to be here.  But Niall has been here the entire time.  He didn't disappear when you left to become a star.   We are proud of you and we love you.  But you are going to have to deal with this now.  And so will he.   You can’t just pretend like the other didn’t exist like you have been _for the past three years._ ”

 

“Hey! It seemed to work out fine. Besides we were lucky, we didn't travel in the same circles.”  But pretending like Niall doesn’t exist is not his plan, not at all.

 

“You would be surprised.” She mutters, but it’s low enough that he can pretend like he didn’t hear it.

 

But he thinks he knows what that means. He recorded the song _Don’t Forget Where You Belong._  He knows almost without a doubt that the writer James Gallagher is Niall.  Ed let it slip after too many pints when they hung out one night, that a guy he writes with sometimes is some golfer that he met in a hospital.   To date he’s recorded four of Ed Sheeran and James Gallagher’s songs, he wonders what it means that Niall never stopped him.  He can’t help but feel like those songs are meant for him anyway; they spoke to him in a way he can't really explain. 

 

It had always been a dream of theirs to write music together, but Harry had left him behind. He knows he can fix it; eventually he can as long as he is given enough time. 

 

“Do you realize this is the most you asked upfront about Niall since you told me you guys broke up? He was your best friend since you were six years old.”  And he knows, but he just can’t come out to Gemma and say everything that he’s thought, everything that he’s planning out.  He doesn’t want to involve her, not if he doesn’t have to.

 

“Why now Gems?”  He moves away from the window and drops into the chair behind his desk using his feet to spin him in a circle.  And that is the question, _why now?_  Her posting this is just going to make things more complicated.

 

“You're coming home Harry, but Niall never really left. Sure he was _gone,_ but not like you were.   So he still comes to the family gatherings, he still goes to lunch with us; he introduced me to my boyfriend Thomas. So Liam’s wedding is just the tip of the ice berg.  And we shouldn't have to choose between the two of you.”

 

“Don't worry, you won't.   I'll talk to him at the wedding, maybe clear the air?”

 

“You can try,” She doesn’t really sound convinced, but the truth is that he doesn’t really need to convince her. 

 

“Believe it or not Gems, I want to try to set things right with Niall.”

 

“I- I don’t think it will be as easy as you think, bug.  He’s a little… _colder_ than he used to be.”

 

“Well, I’ll just have to melt the ice then… so when do I get to finally meet this ‘wonderful amazing’ Thomas?”  It’s a quick and abrupt subject change and Gemma lets him get away with it and just laughs.

 

\----

 

“It’s him isn’t it?”  Ellie’s voice startles him, visibly jumping in his chair. He looks up quickly and instantly knows something wrong.

 

“Hey El?”  Niall automatically closes his laptop after saving the press release he working on. The last Horan and Rose Gala fundraiser was a success and he really wants to make sure the next one is too.  He stands up and walks around the desk before its sinking in really what she said.

 

“What’s him?”  He asks because confusion is never a good look for him and Ellie looks pissed and hurt and she holds a hand up to stop him from coming closer.   She turns her phone to him and he feels like he’s been shot straight through the heart.  It’s a picture, one he hasn’t seen in a long time. 

 

He’s young, so very young and smiling at the camera.  Harry’s at his side, his stupid hair in a head band, pulled away from his face.  Niall has his arms wrapped around his waist but Harry has one over his shoulder and then a hand on his face, trying to turn his attention away from the camera and to him, always on him.  He always needed to have all of Niall’s attention.

 

They’re both smiling, Niall at the camera, Harry at him.

 

“Where did you get that?”  He asks, a little choked up.  Because he hasn’t seen it in years, loved that picture of them, pretty sure it was hidden in a box in storage in this very house somewhere.  

 

“Gemma Styles posted it on Twitter.”  She pulls the phone back around so that she can read the caption to him, “‘a throwback of two of the best boys a girl could know.’  The Gemma you talk to is Gemma Styles! This is Harry Styles before his multimillion recording contract and before he started modeling Gucci and you have his initials tattooed on your hip.”  It’s not a question.

 

And he does, he got it as a surprise gift for their fourth anniversary. Harry’s body was covered in tattoos, nonsensical beautiful, crazy tattoos, a couple even for Niall, a 99p, a four leaf clover.  But Harry’s never seen this one, never will, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s there.

 

“Yes I do.”  He takes a couple steps back and leans back against the desk needing the support.  He already knows that this is going to end badly.

 

“You said it was about someone important.” The tears are leaking from her eyes and Niall knows where this is going.  To be honest he saw this coming a while ago, when they had a fight about why he has such a hard time committing, why he didn’t want to just move in with her.

 

“I told you it was about someone who used to be important, now it’s just there.”  The lie slips out easy, he’s told it to himself a thousand times.

 

“Most people cover their tattoos about their ex’s?”  It’s not an accusation exactly, but it raises Niall’s hackles.

 

“It also serves as a reminder not to be that stupid again.”  He didn’t mean for it to come out as sharp as it did.  And dammit, that was not the right thing to say either…

 

“What else have you not told me about?  Because this- your friend Gemma being your ex's sister, and knowing- _dating_ \- Harry- this is kinda big?”  She keeps alternating between being angry and being hurt and he’s at a loss of what to do, how to comfort her and what to say.  So he goes with the truth.

 

“El, we dated years ago, look how old I am in that picture, what 18?”  He points to the phone she’s still holding in her hand.  “We dated for three years, almost four.  When he started signing we broke up.  It wasn't a good break up either.  I was two years into my golf scholarship, but then I quit school and started to play the circuits, then…” he left it hanging because everyone knows what had happened next.  He was hit by a drunk driver, broke his leg, and ruined his knee and left hand was sometime still a little shaky for no reason, nerve damage they said.  Luckily he had a love of golf, immense knowledge of the sport, and a huge network of friends; so he started working for golf channel and freelancing for sports magazines, his career still blew up, just not the way he’d hoped it would. 

 

Another blessed thing that came out of the accident is that he’d met Ed when he was at the hospital.  He was visiting someone else, a friend who’d been in a minor accident, and Ed had been lured to Niall’s room by a sad guitar melody and a song he didn’t know.  He’d been writing music with Ed for a couple years now.  In a way living out his dream, just not how he’d actually wanted to.   Reporting about golf instead of playing it, and writing music and selling it instead of writing and singing with the one person he’d loved more than anything.   But sometimes you don’t get your fairy tale happy ending; instead you get puzzle pieces of it and you have to just let go the rest. 

 

“Those songs, they’re about him, aren’t they?”  And he instantly knows the ones that she’s talking about, all the ones he co-wrote with Ed and the handful he’s done that he’s sold to other artist.

 

“El, you’re a songwriter. It’s not like that.  You know that we all write from experience-”

 

“Don’t give me that bullshit answer!” She interrupts.   Her tears are starting to leak from her eyes.  They are very much real tears, taking her makeup and pulling it down her cheeks, “it has been years-four years you say- and you are still writing about him.”  Her eyes widen as she catches the thought,   “Oh my god, he’s recorded your music.”

 

“He doesn’t know that.”  And while it wouldn’t take a genius to figure it out, Harry had never reached out to him about it. So he figures that says it all.

 

He walks forward wrapping her up in his arms, and she clings to him as she cries.  “Yes, I still write about him.  We were close for years; I’ve had him in my life for more years than he’s been out of it.”

 

“You, you still?”  He knows what he’s asking and he does owe her the truth. There is nothing that he can say that will stop her from ending it with him.  He’s had a feeling about this anyway.

 

“A part of me will always love him Ellie, he was my first.  But that’s all in the past you have always had all of me. You know I care for you.”  He pulls her face away from his shoulder and uses his thumbs to wipe her tears. 

  

“I don’t- I don’t know what to think. It just seems like a lot.  You were just supposed to tell me it was a silly fling…”  She sounds choked up and his eyes fill with hers, her hand going right over his hip where the initials HES are in cursive on his skin and below them a collection of numbers for the date they met and an infinity symbol, forever intertwined or so Niall had thought in his youthful ignorance.

 

“I know this may seem like an overreaction to you, but I think we need to take a break from each other.”  Her voice is surprisingly strong given how she’s shaking.

 

“Ellie?  Really?  My feelings for you are real, here and now.  He was my teenage boyfriend, he’s nothing anymore.”  He brushes her hair away from her face.  He hates to see her sad, brown eyes filled with tears that he caused.

 

“I don’t think you even realize you’re still in love with him.”  She whispers it against his lips giving him a kiss. He kisses back, knowing that this may be the last and he wants her to know that he does care for her.  He has a hard time trusting people and he trusts her, _he_ _does_.  He wants her to know that the past 9 months have not just been nothing to him.  When she pulls away from the kiss, he still holds her close.   She lets him, holding on to him. 

 

“Give me time and maybe.”  She whispers before popping up and kissing him on the cheek.  He nods solemnly.  She turns walks out of his office, most likely out of his life.  He takes a couple steps back before he drops to the floor, leaning back against the front of his desk.  He grabs his phone from where it’s been sitting all day and pulls up Gemma account.  And there it is…

 

He can’t help but smile at the picture; they were so happy back then, back when they thought the world was theirs. 

 

But no…

 

Harry Styles is still ruining his life.

 

\----

_“But why, I don't understand? Harry?”_

_“I have to go and live in States for a while. New York, LA.”_

_“I get that, what I don't get is when you said we shouldn’t be together anymore.”_

_“I just think it will be hard, too hard.  I want this, you know I’ve always wanted this and I’m being represented.  It’s happening, I’m recording music and I don't know if our relationship can handle it.  I don't know if I'll be able to give you what you want.”_

_“That’s bullshit and you know it. So we're just done? Everything’s over? That's stupid.   I love you, we can make this work. I know it, I believe in us.”_

_“It’s just so much and we're so young…”_

_“And you don't, **you** **don't** believe in us.”_

Harry’s not surprised when he wakes, curled on his side hugging his pillow.  Of course he'd dream of Niall.  It's weird knowing without a doubt that in just a few days he's going to see Niall again. They are both going to be in the same place at the same time for the same reason.

 

Memories like this always catch him a little bit by surprise, it's not like looking back on it he knows that they should have tried, looking now at how both their careers had blown up, they could have made it work. Maybe, even now it’s hard to say.

 

He still remembers Niall’s tears.

 

Niall never cried, always held Harry while he did, but he had cried when Harry had ended things. Full on sobbing tears and Harry had held him, for a little bit, but then he walked away, just left.  His mom had worked with Niall to ship him all his stuff from their flat; looking back he's lucky Niall didn't just burn all of it.

 

God, he was such an idiot.

 

He rolls out of bed, shaking off the dream.  He has a busy day, lunch with his mom, dinner with Liam and Cheryl.   Part of him still can't believe that they're getting married.  Marriage is just so big, so important. They're only twenty-four, Cheryl even older.   It doesn't seem like they should be doing this.  He's not in the wedding, been too disconnected for that, but he is definitely here for the wedding.  With moving back to London he knows he will have to travel more, but he already feels more grounded, settled.   There is a comfort settling on his skin that he can’t explain.  It just feels good to be home.

 

When he sees his mom he can’t stop his smile and she can’t stop smiling.   They share a quiet lunch at a tiny bistro one the corner of two streets that he remembers from his childhood and already this moment feels like a starting point.   It feels like his mom and he are getting on the same wavelength again.

 

It’s late before he knows it and somehow the paparazzi are at the restaurant he's meeting Liam at.   Luckily the paps seem as surprised to see him as he is to see them so he makes his way in with minimal flashes and yelling.  He figures it will be fun getting his way out. 

 

Liam and Cheryl are sitting in a corner booth, smiling and whispering to each other.  Liam’s smile grows when he sees Harry and he stands to wrap him in a warm hug.  And it’s nice to feel welcome.  He had reached out to Liam back when he'd been in LA producing a record.   It had surprised him how quickly he'd said yes to lunch.

 

“Hey H!  How are you?”  Liam looks so excited to see him and Harry fights the small twinge of guilt he feels.  It wasn’t just him that stopped communicating.  It was a two way street.  And while he knew that Niall was going to be the hardest, Liam was the first one to welcome him back into his life with open arms. 

 

He still feels like sometimes his mum and Gems are waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to disappear again.  They hadn’t even really believed him when he said he was going to move back.  Neither did Liam and Louis, but here he is proving them all wrong.  But he isn’t doing it for them; he really is doing it for himself.

 

“I’m good, really good.”  And it’s true, very much so standing here with his friend and his friend’s beautiful fiancé, grounded back in London and feeling really calm for the first time in ages. 

 

“Hello, I’m Cheryl,” She stands reaching out to shake his hand but he lifts it to his lips instead and kisses the top of her hand. 

 

“Harry… charmed to meet you.”  He smiles as she blushes. 

 

He gets to hear all about their wedding plans, how they met, and that their expecting a little one soon.  That part is still pretty quiet.   Part of him is still so surprised; they’re all so young, the other part of him is jealous. Louis already has Freddie and an amazing girlfriend.   And now Liam has this…

 

 Part of him feels like they’re leaving him behind, even though he’s living such an amazing life.  There just isn’t someone by his side to share it with him.  Sometimes he wonders… if he had he stayed with Niall would they be married?  Would they maybe even be looking into adopting their own little one?  But his future is not that one, but it is amazing in hundreds of different ways.

 

Falling back into his friendship with Liam is like reading his favorite book.  It’s the same book he’s always known but he forgot some of his favorite parts.  And getting to know Cheryl is also a gift.  He has rarely met someone as genuine and kind as she appears to be. And while it has been almost a year that he’d reached out to Liam in LA, this still feels like another start.

 

It isn’t until the dessert comes that Liam finally brings it up, “So Niall is going to be at the wedding too.  That’s gonna be a little weird dontcha think?”  Liam looks a little worried to ask, but Harry gets it.  It’s his wedding day and he wants everything to be perfect.   The last thing he wants is two of his friends who are exs fighting at his wedding and ruining the night.

 

“I think it might be a little weird, but how can it not be.  Especially since Gemma posted that pic online.  Now it’s just so fresh again.   I think she didn’t think it would go viral like that.”  Because honestly, while he can’t wait to see Niall in the flesh again, it is going to be a little strange.  But his fans have been nicely obsessed with them together, which is better than some of the other people he had dated in the past.

 

“I saw it on one of the entertainment shows.  He got asked about it by someone he was interviewing apparently.”  Cheryl added and he could see she was a little curious.  She met his eyes, owning up to her own curiosity.  “Liam didn’t tell me much, just that you were very close...”  He also didn’t know that Niall had been asked about it… probably since he was still avoiding Jeff’s calls.  The last thing he wanted to do was talk to his manager about it.

 

“Oh, I didn’t know that he was asked about it.”

 

“Yes, I just saw a clip though so I can’t tell you much.”  It had only been five days since the picture had been put online, that is a smidge crazy even by Harry’s standards.

 

“Oh, I’m sure that wasn’t what Gemma was thinking would happen.”  He bit his tongue because what he really wanted to ask was _what did he say?_

“I remember that picture though.  It used to hang in your guys’ flat.”  Liam mentioned, Cheryl turning back to look at Liam then Harry.

 

“I’m sorry; I’m out of the loop.  How long were you together?” and it really is an innocent question, but it just reminds Harry he broke up with him days from their four year anniversary.

 

“Almost four years.”  Harry takes a drink of his wine, gulping it down.  He doesn’t really care if he looks less than classy.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry.”  She shakes her head, dismissing the topic.  She lays a hand over his, “Not to worry, we trust both you and Niall to have fun and enjoy our wedding without making it awkward.”  And Harry smiles a bit at that because obviously Cheryl can see that he is uncomfortable and wants only to ease him out of it.

 

“Thank you, I promise I won’t do anything to ruin your special day.  It’s your day and we will make sure it is perfect.”  Her eyes glisten slightly.

 

“Thank you, Harry.”

 

“Yes, thank you.”  Liam affirms. 

 

When Harry gets home that night, he searches for the interview on the internet.  He spends a good 45 minutes watching Niall’s interviews before he finally finds the right one.  In his defense he has always been easily distracted by Niall’s love of golf.

 

It seems to be one of the twitter interviews for golf channel so he ends up watching through all the golf questions, finally getting to the one about him.  It ends up being a female golfer that he’s interviewing, still relatively young and Harry’s not surprised that she is the one that ends up asking Niall about him. 

 

_“And how is it that you know Harry Styles?  Is the picture posted online a real picture?”_

Niall looks a little startled at the question, considering he’s usually asking the questions.  He responds back with a quick, “ _Harry and I knew each other as lads, but let’s focus on the real story here, what’s the plan for day two of the tournament?”_

Harry likes hearing Niall say his name.  It warms his belly and makes him smile that Niall even acknowledged the questions.  He looks good too, always did in a golf kit. His shoulders look wider than what he remembers, but he hasn't _seen_ him in years.  Yes, he's searched him, followed his twitter and instagram, of course without actually _following,_ because Niall notices shit like that, but he's ready to see him in person.

 

 Does he still twist his hair and bite his cuticles? Does he still line his shoes up on the rack?  Is his closet still insanely organized (except for Harrys half)? Does he still take his tea the same way?

 

Harry’s not naive; he knows that Niall’s changed, just like he's changed.  But he's really hoping that come the day of the wedding he can try to start rebuilding that bridge.   If he can't get the love of his life back, maybe he’d at least be able to have his former best friend in his life again. But both of those are still one giant maybe.

\----

 

The night before the wedding Niall can barely get any sleep.   He's anxious and nervous and so absolutely terrified he's making himself sick to his stomach. When Liam told him Harry was going to be at the wedding, he knew it was going to be weird.   It’s not like he hasn't seen Harry, the man has been on countless magazine covers, on TV, radio; it was hard to avoid him with how he had rocketed to fame.

 

But Harry was different in person, always had been.  Back in the day, when they were inseparable, when those green eyes targeted Niall, he would lose focus on everything else.  Harry always said that Niall reminded him of the sun, but to him it was the other way around.  Looking at Harry, being pulled to Harry, was just natural for him.

 

And now he was going to be at the wedding alone, Ellie originally was going with him, but now, obviously, he’s on his own.  Well, kind of, he still has his mum. But he knows that Liam talked to them both, he’s pretty sure the tactic they are both going with is avoidance.  Harry will avoid him, and he will do the same, he knows that they will be seated in different areas of the room, prying Cheryl for information, and letting it slip that he would prefer not to be around his ex.

 

He always thought it would go away with time, the hurt, the resentment, the feeling of betrayal, but it never really did.  He tried not to let it tarnish his other relationships but he knew that it had.  The way that things fell apart with Ellie was proof of that.  He didn’t want to share his life fully with anyone; he didn’t want to give anyone that kind of control over his life, like he had with Harry. 

 

He learned that he had to do things in life that made him happy, he couldn’t invest all of his happiness in one person, that was his mistake, and that was why he had never covered his tattoo.  It truly was a reminder of youthful foolishness.

 

 Harry saw his body as a canvas, one to cover in tattoos and jewelry, and artful clothes, but Niall wasn’t like that.  He had never felt the need to ink things into his skin until this, months of planning and scheming to get a copy of his initials in his handwriting, to get them turned into art on his body _for_ Harry.   But he learned shortly what a mistake that was.  He hadn’t even shown it to Harry before everything crashed down, and the next day he was helping Anne box up Harry’s things to ship to LA.

 

He’d avoided her pitying glances, everyone’s actually, focusing on school and golf, partied just a little bit too much, after seeing Harry’s first paparazzi shot with some famous model, before snapping back into himself.  He quit college and started focusing just on golf, with his coach that recruited him and before he knew it he had a sponsorship and he was playing semi-pro. It was pure luck that he took that risk, quitting college and then getting a sponsorship to elevate his career. Even though it only lasted two years, it had been amazing, and while he’d been a smidge bitter about his car accident and his body not being able to do what he wanted it to, he didn’t exactly lose his career or lively hood and he met Ed.  Writing songs with Ed gave him an outlet he really didn’t know that he needed and it didn’t hurt that their songs were picked up by some of the best artist out there.

 

It had taken a while but he’d learned not to let anyone else control his happiness.  Still he wasn’t exactly radiating happiness either; he was content with the life he had now.

 

He didn’t get much sleep last night, but today is the wedding.  A day he’s equally excited about and terrified.  Liam’s getting married and that is amazing, but … Harry. 

 

He looks at himself in the mirror, he looks good today, hair mostly brown, just blond tipped, hair lifted up off his forehead in a stylish quiff.  His blue suit is designer and he pairs it with a skinny blue tie and a white pocket square. He’s still so proud of himself; he has nothing to be ashamed of when he runs into Harry.  He’s accomplished so much and he has nothing to worry about today.  You avoid your ex; it’s just what you do. 

 

Or that’s what he keeps telling himself as he drives himself to the venue.  Liam and Cheryl had upped the security when it was leaked that Harry would be there and it only got worse after the picture of them together online had surfaced.  Luckily it was a private venue, a castle even, and they had already had security since Liam had produced music for many different artists who would be coming around for the reception. The ceremony was only for close friends and family, and they had asked that cell phones stay in purses and trouser pockets.  

 

He didn’t think it was a bad request.  He’d already been asked in an interview about Harry- which was insanely weird since he was the one asking questions…he was the sports journalist.  But he had decided honesty was best, the picture was out there, it was real, and he and Harry had known each other since they were lads.  It wouldn’t take too much digging to figure out.  Luckily he had purged everything personal from his Facebook account years ago.  He knew that Liam had never been as active but he was pretty sure that if anyone looked too hard at Louis’, his mum’s, or Anne’s Facebook there would be evidence there.   He had always avoided looking, because all he ever saw in old pictures of them was how he was fooled by thinking that Harry loved him as much he loved Harry.

 

He’d already been through the venue before, so he quickly finds his mum and takes the aisle seat beside her, giving her a quick hug.  Anne was on the other side of her and for a minute he freezes, what if Harry sat with his mum?  What was he supposed to do then?  He shook it off and gave Anne a big hug as well.

 

“Anne, how are you?”  He smiles, kissing her cheek before taking the seat next to his mum.  Anne smiles at him brightly squeezing his hand.  She and Harry had the same smile, sometimes it still makes his heart ache.

 

“I’m good.  How are you?  You look fantastic.”  He can feel his cheeks flush at the compliment. 

 

“I’m doing good, crazy busy but I like it that way.”  He returns the smile.

 

 “This is such an exciting day.  I just love weddings.” Both his mum and Anne are dressed to the nines, funky wedding hats on their heads to finish their stylish ensembles.

 

He barely listens as the two mums chatter, he’s on the end, and slowly the row fills up, Bobby, Robin, and a couple other’s joining the row.  He breathes a sigh when the row is filled in and he doesn’t see Harry at all.

 

He holds his mum’s hand when she cries and just enjoys the ceremony.

 

He first catches sight of him when they are all making their way from the back garden where the wedding was held to the main dining room inside.  For a moment the breath just stalls in his lungs because Harry’s always been the most beautiful person on the planet to him and sometimes it’s just too much to take in.  He looks away quickly because he doesn’t want to know what Harry’s wearing, _a black suit, white shirt, black narrow scarf tied loosely falling into his open shirt,_ what his hair looks like, _short, slick backed, and starting to get its curl back,_ or how green his eyes are, _captivating._

But he can’t stop looking at him until Harry catches his eye and Niall looks away.

 

Nope, he just ignores it all. 

 

He finds his name card quickly; he’s sitting at the table with his family, and Louis’ and his sisters.  They are gathered around, Freddie being passed from lap to lap and he really is having a good time, laughing, catching up.  He hasn’t seen Louis in quite some time, not since Jay passed.  He’s being kept busy during the summer at the theatre, directing a show, and Niall is in and out of town for the next few weeks and been in and out since April. But he’s been keeping in touch, keeping tabs on his friend.

 

For a while he forgets that Harry is there.  But he can feel him, Harry’s gaze is on him regularly, he can feel the tingle up his spine. But when he looks back to Harry, he’s chatting with his mum and Robin, or dancing with someone else.

 

It’s driving him crazy, but keeps him busy, talking to strangers, to staff, to security.  He knows a lot of the people here because all four of them, Harry, Liam, Louis, and Niall go back to before secondary school.  They go back to neighborhood picnics and primary school playgrounds.

 

He finally finds a minute reprieve when he heads to the loo.  He is not ashamed to say that he is grateful it's empty.  He uses the toilet, washes his hands, splashes his face, and then just looks at himself in the mirror.

 

He doesn't look like he's shaken up, he's not pale.  He feels like he's shaking but when he holds his hand up it looks steady.  He takes a couple deep breathes trying to steady himself. 

 

Harry is not trying to avoid him, they've locked eyes at least three times, the first time Niall ignored him, but then Harry tried to smile and wave on the second and third offense, so now he's just confused.

 

He thought they were going to avoid each other.  But it's harder than he thought.  It's always been his gift... finding Harry anywhere in the room.

 

His eyes snap up when the door opens.

 

"Oh my god, you _are_ hiding in the bathroom!" Louis laughs at him as he walks in, obviously he’s been in her longer than he thought.  

 

"No... I'm really not."  But it comes out unsure, because was he?

 

"You've been in here like 10 minutes mate, try again."  Louis' blue eyes are laughing at him, but he lays a hand on his shoulder before leaning his back against the sink.

 

"Not really, just this is weird... I didn't think it be so weird."  Niall leans back against the sink as well and bumps his shoulder against his.

 

"Well, it will get better, the first time is over, and it will only get easier after this.”  Niall knows Louis is right.  The first time is always awkward and he knows at some point in time they will have to speak to each other, even if it is just a ‘ _hi’_ or ‘ _pardon me’._

“Have you talked to him yet?”  Niall prompts.

 

“Tonight? No, Liam and Cheryl did dinner with him the other night, said he was glad to be back in London.”

 

“So he is moving back?”  Niall was hoping that wasn’t the case, but even Gemma had mentioned it.  He hadn’t talked to her since he and Ellie ended things.

 

“Moved back, it’s already done.  Liam said something about how he needed to come back home. And hey, it is his home.”  Louis looks at him gently but Niall knows what he means.  Everyone deserves to be able to come home and even thought part of Niall still remembers the hurt, he also knows that he would never wish ill will on Harry.  

 

If he needs to come home, then Niall’s glad he’s home.  But he can still hope to not run into him on the street or at a neighborhood picnic.

 

“If he needs to be home I get that- I mean I’m glad that he came home, but I just can’t really look at him without going backwards and I just-.” He shrugs his shoulders not really knowing how to put it into words.  It’s like the years since Harry left never really passed and Niall knows it’s because he never really tried to get over him.  Maybe he never really did.

 

“I get it mate, but it is what it is, so just get yourself a pint.”  And Louis is right; he nods and leaves the sanctuary of the bathroom to head to the bar.

 

He’s waiting for his Guinness when it does finally happen.  His spine shoots up straight because he knows without turning around that Harry is right behind him… but he can hope- he’s just here for a drink right?

 

 “Niall,” he freezes when he hears the voice because really… _really_?

 

The bottle lands on the bar in front of him and he grabs it quick, placing a tip in the jar. He grabs his drink and throws a look over his shoulder, sure enough, there’s Harry.  And it wasn’t his imagination; he looks devastatingly handsome in his black suit.  God he’d avoided him this long why couldn’t it last another couple hours?  He’d gotten through the wedding, cocktail hour, and part of the reception. And yes, he had hid in the bathroom but so what?  He was so close to making it through the entire night.  He thought they’d been doing well, but apparently Harry didn’t get the same _avoidance_ memo that Niall had.

 

“Harry,” He nods, and then walks away, looking for a familiar face, someone he can go to because his hand _is_ shaking now, and it’s been almost four fucking years and that man should not still have an effect on him.  He can do this; he can walk away and just continue avoiding him.

 

But Harry follows him, losing his place in line at the bar and instead just grabs a champagne flute instead from a waiter passing by.

 

“Niall,” He tries again, and he does turn around this time.  He makes eye contact and Harry looks unwavering.  He’s taller, is really the only thing that he can think.  He looks down, and of course, he’s wearing sparkling Chelsea boots, but they are so very him. And they look so very good on him.  Damn it!  Why does he have to be so attractive?

 

He looks good, so very good, and Niall remembers when he came back from college classes one day saying, _“A guy gave me his card today when he heard me sing.  What do you think?”_   And they had spent the rest of the day researching the agency and looking at the clients and deciding he should go for it.  But that was then, this is now.

 

“Listen, Harry, this was bound to happen.  We still have a few friends in common.  All we have to do is be here, for them. Preferably on opposite sides of the room.  You don’t need to talk to me.”  So that was maybe a little harsher than he was aiming for, but honestly is important, right?

 

Harry looks a little taken back by his hostility. But damn it, he will most likely never be over Harry so he doesn’t need him here, trying to talk to him to pretend that they could still be friendly.  Harry threw away almost 14 years of friendship and love- true fucking love- and that was his choice. 

 

 “I just…”  Niall can’t let him finish because really, what is there to say?

 

“You just what, Harry?  Wanted to ‘say hi?’  Wanted to see how I was doing?  What I was up to?”  Niall pauses, takes a deep breath and looks over to the table, where Liam and Cheryl are sitting together surrounded by friends and family.   She’s glowing; her baby bump barley able to be recognized for what it is underneath her beautiful white dress.  Liam catches his eye and he looks concerned when he sees who he’s talking to.  Niall just shakes his head and smiles at him.  He’s here for them, not for this. He can do this.  He turns back to Harry. “Listen, I’m sure that Liam appreciates the effort, but we have nothing to talk about.  So let’s leave it at that, ok?”

 

“Niall it _is_ good to see you.”  He can’t help but look at the other boy in shock, but whether or not he likes it, he still _knows_ Harry.  And Harry is being honest and open, god dammit, he looks hurt, and Niall never did deal with that well.

 

“It’s good to see you too,” Niall gives a little smile, but before he can turn to leave, hears another Styles calling his name. She has awful timing. Gemma is rushing to him, with a bright smile and open arms.  He can’t help but smile, his full beaming smile as she launches herself at him.   He lifts her off the ground, spinning her in a small circle, before setting her back down.

 

“How are you?  I haven’t seen you in weeks.”  She smiling, happy to see him, and last time they saw each other was dinner in Paris, right before she posted that damn picture.  She reaches a hand out to Harry grabbing his hand so he knows that she’s not ignoring him.

 

“I’ve been good, busy, but ya know how that goes.  How’s Thomas?”  He does his best to stay focused on Gemma, but his eyes keep flicking back to Harry, who is looking back and forth between them.

 

“Good,” She squeezes his hand, “He couldn’t come tonight, and he’s in Paris at a show opening.”

 

“His photograph of Augusta is still in my entry way.  I get comments on it all the time.  I need to have some of his business cards or summat to hand out.”  Niall keeps trying to ignore that Harry is still there, but he steps in closer to his sister, wrapping an arm around her waist.  He’s never lost touch with Gemma, but he knows that she kept it on the down-low from Harry.   He tries to not be super specific when asking questions, but she doesn’t seem to do the same.  Harry doesn’t really try to inject himself into the conversation, but just listens.

 

“How’s Ellie?”  Niall’s not sure, but he thinks he sees Harry freeze.  He’s not quite sure what to do with that information.  But can’t help wondering what that means, until he decides that it really doesn't matter and it doesn’t have to mean anything.

 

“She and I aren’t together anymore.”  Subconsciously he rubs his hip, right where the ink is still tattooed on his skin he catches Harry looking down but only Gemma knows what’s there.  She’s never seen it, but one night Niall had been drunk enough to tell her about it. They’d never mentioned it again.

 

“Ohh, when did that happen?”  She isn’t being rude about it, normally he would have text her about it, but it considering how it went down, he didn’t want her to feel guilty.  It wasn’t her fault; it was his, with his trust and commitment issues.

 

“A couple weeks ago.”  He tries to be vague while still answering her question, but he sees her put it together rather quickly, she always was a smart one.

 

“I’m so sorry.”  And she does, she looks incredibly sad for him.  She knows that Ellie was as close to feeling something even partial to what he used to feel for Harry back then, before Harry became who he is now, someone untouchable.

 

“Don’t be.”  He walks forward, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead.  “I’m back for a bit, I’ll call you next week, we can do lunch or dinner, Thomas can join.”  He hasn’t seen Thomas in ages.

 

“That would be great.”  He smiles at Gemma, nods at Harry, and then he escapes back to his table with his mother, because after all this he still feels like a child.  Because Harry can still stop his heart and because his mum is amazing she just places a hand over his knee.  Louis gives him a look, like he’s checking for bruises.  He smiles or tries to but he’s sure it comes across more as a grimace.

 

Louis nods back, he gets it.

 

“You did good, baby.  Shall we dance?”  His mum’s voice is soothing, calming over his fraying nerves.

 

“Yeah, ma.”

 

\----

 

It's well past two in the morning by the time Harry gets home, half-drunk but mostly dejected.  That was definitely not how he had expected this night to go.  He wasn't expecting hugs and smiles but he wasn't expecting that.

 

When he'd first stood behind him in line for the bar, the only thought was that he still smells the same.  Hugo Boss cologne, hint of sandalwood and vanilla and sweet scent of his hair product.  He shouldn't smell the same, but he does, and Harry has to fight not to reach out to touch him.  Niall had changed some, he was more confident and that was apparent, but also his shoulders were wider, hips narrow, hair mostly brown instead of blond.

 

But he didn't expect his name to feel so foreign rolling off his tongue and didn't expect those warm blue eyes to be freezing cold instead.  He definitely understood what Gemma had meant when Niall seemed colder. Niall was always warmth, laughter, and sunshine, but that was not who he was tonight, at least not with Harry.   He saw a glimpse of it with Gemma, more with Louis, but Niall was a different person with Harry tonight.  He knows that he did that, that he most likely made Niall like that.  And that's the depressing part. 

 

A not so depressing thought- he's single.  He hadn't heard anything about him breaking up with Ellie, so that was news to him, and apparently Gemma as well. He'd asked- he wasn't above asking people for answers.  And the real truth was he didn't know what to expect, now he does, so he can prepare.  

 

But the other part of him knows he needs people on his side, he needs Liam and Louis to be on board. Liam will be easy to convince, he's a romantic who just wants to see everyone happy.  Louis, Louis may be a challenge. He's a sassy scrappy protective friend and he saw the way he glared at him after the fact.  But that also meant that Niall had been more affected than he appeared.  Louis knows something and Harry wanted to know what it was.

 

Maybe that would be his next plan of action.  He didn’t really get to say _hi_ to Louis tonight, part of that may have had to do with the nasty glare sent his way a couple times but maybe, he would start there.  Grabbing his phone, ignoring the time he threw it out there-

 

**Good to see you tonight, sorry we didn’t get a chance to talk.  Coffee and catch up? All the love Hxx**

He hits send before he can think about it, then he drops down on his bed and passes out, still in his suit.

 

He wakes up to text, blunt but very promising.

 

**when and where**

**3:00 and you pick the place. H**

 It only takes a few minutes to get a response.

 

**Starbucks Portman’s square**

**Why the hell do you sign with a H**

**I know it’s you idiot**

Harry has to laugh at the three quick text responses and he already knows that Louis hasn’t really changed.

**See you there**

**H**

 

It’s easy to drop down in the seat across from him, warm smile on his face.  Louis is Louis, steady, sassy, and down to earth.

 

“What are you scheming, Styles?”  Is the first thing out of his mouth.  This really doesn’t surprise him either.

 

“Huh?” He bats his eyes as he takes a drink of the tea he ordered before sitting down.

 

“You’re up to something.”  Louis’s blue eyes are sharp, analytical and Harry is not surprised.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about?” even though he knows that he’s never really been able to pull the ‘innocent’ look off.

 

 “You’re back here, talking to all of us a lot more than you used to, and you were preying on Niall last night.”

 

Harry chokes on his tea, “I was not preying on anyone last night.  I was enjoying the wedding.”

 

“Sure you were.”  Louis raises an eyebrow and just stares at him.  Harry looks down and grabs the fruit cup he got with his tea, eats a chunk of pineapple, when he looks back up Louis is still staring at him.

 

“What!”

 

“Just tell me what you’re thinking and then I will tell you if it will work.”  Those blue eyes are still staring at him.

 

“Listen, I don’t know what you think you know…”

 

“Harry, I’m glad you’re here, glad you came home.  Your mum and sis missed you like mad.  I saw the gossip columns, I saw the pap you told off, I heard words come out of your mouth that wouldn’t have come out of mine, or Niall’s for that matter and we all know he has the worst mouth of us all.   So I’m glad you came home.  Told Niall that too.”

 

“What?”  He’s all sorts of confused now.  “You told him what?”

 

“Well kinda, it was more along the lines of ‘Hey it’s his home,’ kinda thing but he got it.”

 

“What did he say?”  He knows he should bite his tongue, he’s giving too much away, but he’s curious and the words are out of his mouth before he can really say anything.

 

“So is this about Niall?”  Now both eyebrows are raised in question.

 

“What’s  _this?_ Nothing is about Niall.”  He may have said that a little too fast, his own voice a little squeaky.

 

“Oh... you are definitely up to something.  So spill and then I can decide if I’m going to help you or stop you”

 

And god, he really wants to tell someone.  And Louis is like an older brother to both of them.  He could help or he could make Harry’s life hell. 

 

He plops his chin into his hand and looks over Louis shoulder.  It’s quiet in the Starbucks but its three in the afternoon.  The staff and crew are cleaning around them, but they do seem to draw some curious eyes, Harry in his beanie, trying to keep his hair under wraps, and Louis with his sharp musical laugh.

 

Harry’s already heard a couple camera clicks since he sat down with his tea and fruit.  It’s normal for him to just walk across the street and hear the constant clicks, but at times like this he doesn’t really want to think about it.  He feels like he has to choose is words and watch his body language so carefully.

 

He looks back to Louis, eyes still curious.  “You want to walk back to my place?”  Louis looks back, surprised. 

 

“Sure, mate.”  They both get up making their way out.  It makes it a little easier to talk when he doesn’t have to look him in the eye. He can get distracted by the other people on the street and not have to worry about someone camping out and watching them, trying to decipher what they are saying.

 

“So, you gonna tell me what all this is about?”

 

“Obviously I moved back, right?  I came home.”  He really doesn’t know where to start, “So like a couple years ago… never mind you don’t need all that...” He stalls again trying to figure out how to really say what’s going on.

 

“OK, really need a shorter version here.”  Louis laughs, after Harry keeps stumbling over his words.

 

“I want Niall back.”  Louis stops walking, eyes locked on Harry.

 

“Say again?”  Louis’ stare is intense.

 

“I want Niall back in my life.  As a friend but preferably as something more.”  It feels good to say it, to own up to his hopes.

 

“Mate, what took you so fucking long?”  Louis asks on a laugh.

 

“Its not that easy, I had a lot of things that I had to tie up before I could get back here, because if I’m going to accomplish anything I need to be here.”  Harry at least knows that.

 

“What’s your plan?  This ain’t gonna to be very easy.”  The both start to walk again, both sipping their drinks as they go.

 

“I know, man, we were kids, but if I didn’t do what I did back then who knows where I-we- would be.”

 

“He quit college because of you, if you could give him up to get your dream; he figured he could give up college.  Gave his mum a pure fucking fright when he told her.  He wouldn’t be where he is if you guys had tried.  But he may have been happy instead of just…”  Louis seems to be struggling to find the word he’s looking for, “existing, maybe?   Like he does.”   That’s a little bit of insight that Harry needs.

 

“What do you mean?”  He finishes his fruit cup, dropping it in a rubbish bin as they wait at a street corner to cross traffic.

 

“He doesn’t really let people in anymore.  Sure, me, Liam, Gemma but what I mean is everyone _loves_ Niall but they all don’t _know_ him.”

 

“That’s sad, he’s kinda amazing.”

 

“It’s not your fault he’s like that, he made himself that way so don’t you go feeling guilty over that shit.  It’s true he did not deal with your guys break up very well-it would actually be easy to say he never dealt with it.  I think it’s why none of his other relationships lasted.”   Harry points when they finally reach his house.  He enters the gate code and then lets Louis in.

 

“Sorry for the mess, I’m still trying to get settled.”  Boxes are still everywhere and furniture is still wrapped, some in crates.  The only rooms actually put together are his bedroom and office.

 

“Man, look at all this posh shit,” He picks up a small statue sitting in the entry way and Harry has to bite his tongue because he knows that he’s just digging for a reaction.  Instead Harry just glares and he sets it back down.  They walk to the kitchen where Harry puts on the kettle for some more tea.

 

“So do you think I have a chance?”  When Harry asks it comes out more apprehensive than he would have hoped but it’s out there now.

 

“H, I don’t know.  He was messed up last night when he finally figured out you weren’t going to avoid him all night.  I’m not gonna lie to you though, you’re going to have to fight through a lot of hurt and resentment, but there is still something there mate… I just don’t know what it is.”

 

Harry can’t help it, for some reason even though those words seem negative; he sees the light in them.  The fact that there is some hope.

 

“He barely talked to me last night.”  Harry sighs.  “He would barely look at me.”

 

“Oh, he was looking most of the night don’t you worry.”  Louis laughs at him. 

 

“I’m not used to him being so cold unless he was pissed you know?  How he’d get when he would get so mad he would just ice you out?”  He remembers it happening a lot when they first moved in together.  Niall would laugh it off with a _sure_ or a _whatever, then_ disappear and not talk to Harry for hours.   Harry would just poke and prod and poke until Niall would finally explode, then Harry would take him to bed and shag all the anger out of him.

 

“So what would you do back then?” 

 

“Something I can’t do now.”  Harry laughs when Lou pulls a disgusted face.

 

“Ok, so I did not need to know that detail of your relationship.”  Harry just laughs at him again.  “So when are you going back to your mums?”   

 

Harry raises a brow in question because that was a weird change in topic.  “I don’t know. Why?”

 

“You should go this weekend.”  He nods as he says it leaving Harry more confused than anything.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because Maura is having everyone over for Theo’s birthday and Niall is going for the weekend.  Chances are you could run into him or try to.”  Lou eyes almost twinkle with mirth and it’s almost like back in the day when they would plan and scheme crazy pranks and that one year that they planned Liam’s surprise birthday bash.

 

“Is she?”  Harry asks and he realizes that Louis on his side, not like there are sides really, but he thinks this might be a good idea.

 

“Yeah, they told me at the wedding, Niall still sleeps in the same room. He’ll be there.”

 

Harry smiles when he rings his mum up.

 

\----

 

Niall’s been putting this off for three days.  Ever since Thomas called with ‘The Plan.’  And he likes ‘The Plan,’ he really likes it but he doesn’t like what he agreed to, but it was for Thomas.

 

He’d met Thomas back when he was still golfing.  He had been added on as a last minute photographer and he had taken an amazing picture of Augusta. Niall had loved the picture, so much so that he has it hanging in his entryway.  They had become quick friends and it helped that they were both Irish.  He’d introduced Gemma and Thomas just by chance and they hit it off well.  

 

But Thomas had called, and he had been with Niall after his car accident, when he moved from player to press.  And now Thomas wants to propose to Gemma.

 

And so now here he is.  He has never really been nervous to call Liam before.  He talks to him pretty regularly, weekly even and this is important.  Liam and Cheryl were waiting two weeks to take their honeymoon anyway so it’s not even like he’s interrupting.  But there is no one else to call for this.  Gemma, Anne, Des, and Robin are all out of the question.  Louis as well but for a completely different reason.

 

The last time he had called Louis, the other man had spent 10 minutes going on and on about meeting up with Harry for coffee, going back to his flat, catching up for a couple hours before beating his ass at FIFA.  He really doesn’t want to have to listen to that again.  He’s glad they’re friends again, doesn’t really wish ill will against Harry or want Louis and Liam to not be friends with him but he really doesn’t want to talk about it.  Which is just a little ironic considering that is the reason that he needs to call Liam.

 

He needs Harry’s phone number.

 

When he had his number changed two years ago he had deleted Harry’s name from his contacts thinking it would help him move on.  It didn’t but he really didn’t need the number anyway, unless it was more to know when _not_ to answer.

 

But this was for Thomas and Gemma, because he wants to propose.  Which is great, - amazing even; they will be amazing together and make amazing beautiful babies that Niall with be able to spoil and cuddle.

 

But first Thomas wants to come back a day early from Paris and talk to all the men in Gemma’s life to ask permission, including her lovely younger brother.  

 

So Niall can’t call Anne or Robin or even Des for Harry’s number because they all know that _he_ doesn’t want to talk to him. And then he would have to explain and he would ruin Thomas’ gesture.

 

So here he is looking at Liam’s contact information, scared to push the damn call button.  He doesn’t want to talk about Harry, doesn’t want his phone number, doesn’t want to send it to Thomas, but he will because, _god dammit,_ he’s a good friend.

 

He presses the button before he can back out again and brings it to his ear and waits.   Maybe, just maybe…

 

Nope he answers.

 

“Hey Nialler, what’s up?” 

 

“Uh, nothing really much- how’s married life?”

 

“Just like living together but after a lot of paperwork.”  They both laugh and then it drops silent, and it’s awkward so Niall just plows forward.

 

“So do you have Harry’s phone number?”  Duh, of course he does.

 

“Yeah… why?”  His voice goes soft, confused. 

 

“Well, Thomas, needs it and I can’t get it from others for certain reasons… so I was hoping that you could give it to me so that I could pass it on.”  And that’s it, that’s all he can give him.

 

“It’s not for you?”  Niall sighs a little at the hope in Liam’s voice.  Their group of friends had been fractured years ago and he knows that Liam and Louis just wish it would go back to the way it was.

 

“Uh, no, I don’t see a need for it.”

 

“You know it was great to see you guys talking again.  You, uh, you guys still look good together.”  Niall can _see_ the hopeful puppy dog look on Liam’s face.

 

“I’m not really sure what to say to that.”  Niall drops down onto his sofa, clicking on the TV onto the golf channel; muting it before it interrupts the call.

 

“So I should probably warn you since I just got the call, someone on the catering team had a camera, there are pictures online of the wedding, a couple of you, Gemma and Harry talking.  They are just starting to make the rounds.”

 

“Great, well at least I’m heading to the Open Championship next week.   It shouldn’t affect me much there.”  Niall huffs as he thinks about his schedule.  Next week will be pretty hectic but at least he’s still close to home.

 

“Have you forgiven him yet?”  Liam’s voice is quiet.  It’s not rude coming from him.  Maybe from someone else, but Liam only ever has everyone else’s best interest at heart.

 

“Of course I’ve forgiven him, I just haven’t forgotten it; I don’t think you ever forget that.”  He lets out a sigh as he looks up to the ceiling, “Your first heart break, ya know?  You remember how you were after Danielle.”  He takes another deep breath before finishing his thought, “It’s just hard to think that any relationship I’m in won’t end that way.  If that’s what my best friend does to me, what will someone who starts as stranger do when they’re ready to move on?”

 

Liam stays silent, obviously not knowing what to say to that, “I believe there is someone out there for you, Ni.  You deserve all the happiness in the world.”

 

Niall lets out an hmm, but otherwise says silent.  “I’ll text you Harry’s number when we hang up is that good?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll pass it right on to Thomas.  I would tell you why he needs it but you have a big mouth.”  He laughs because it's true, he doesn't purposefully let out everyone's secrets but he can't keep them long.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Act insulted all you like, mate, but you know it’s true.”  This time they both laugh.

 

“Whatever, I’ll find out quick enough.”

 

“Most likely.”  And he’s right, he’s sure there will be an announcement soon enough.

 

“Harry will tell me if you won’t.”

 

“Can we not talk about Harry please?”  He doesn’t mean to ask, but he can’t help but feel it’s still ok to not want to talk about your ex.  This is more than he has had to deal with in a long time.  And it’s only going to get worse now that he’s back for good.  In a way he feels like he’s losing his friends, his life, and its all being torn up just because Harry decided he needed to come home.

 

“Yeah, we don’t have to talk about him.”  But he sounds a little down about it.

 

“It’s not forever, mate, just give me a little bit of time to have to get used to you guys being all friendly again.”  He sighs, he kind of feels like he’s letting his friends down; they are all excited that Harry is back and wanting to be part of their lives, but Niall just isn’t.  He guesses there is just too much baggage going on there.

 

“Yeah, we all got pretty good at ignoring his name for a while.”

 

“And I don’t expect for you guys to choose or anything, it’s not like that, just give me a bit, okay?”  God he feels like such a twat or something but he'll get over it, he just had to ease himself in.

 

“I can do that mate.”  The thing about Liam is that it’s never uncomfortable, they continue to talk until Liam breaks out with an excited, “Guess what?”

 

“What?”  Niall asks.

 

“We get to find out if it’s a girl or a boy at the next appointment.”  Niall smiles and loses himself for a while in his best friend’s joy.

 

When he finally looks at Harry’s number after getting off the call with Liam he realizes that it never changed.  He still has the same number from way back when and he laughs a little when he realizes that he didn’t need to call Liam because he still had it memorized.

 

Of course it never changed.   Niall was the only one that needed to move on.

 

He forwarded the number on and started packing an overnight bag. .  It wasn’t more than 20 minutes later Thomas was calling him bubbling with excitement that he was going to meet Des, Robin, Anne, and Harry for drinks Thursday night.

 

“That’s awesome, mate, it’s gonna be amazing.” He couldn't be happier.

 

“I’m so nervous, Ni, what if they don’t approve?”  His Irish accent makes Niall smile, his excitement bringing it out even more.

 

“They will, they love you already.”  Niall laughs but he can understand the nervousness, the excitement.   

 

“What if Harry doesn’t like me?” Thomas’ voice is shaky and a little insecure. And he can see it because Thomas has always been a little bit unconfident but he is one of the best friends Niall has had in years.  He can’t be happier that he and Gemma found each other.

 

“Man, don’t worry, Harry likes everyone.”  And it’s true, one of the best things about him was that he couldn’t hurt a fly and had the biggest heart.

 

“Really, do I have to do anything to –like- not annoy him or get on his nerves or- God I don’t know?”  He can imagine him running his hand through his short brown hair; he always does when he’s nervous.

 

“Man, just be yourself, you don’t have to worry, you make Gems happy and that’s all that matters to all of them.”  Niall knows it’s true; he isn’t just giving Thomas false advice to sooth his nerves. 

 

“Ok, ok, I’ll call you Friday evening?”  Thomas queries.

 

“Yeah-yeah, I’ll be at my ma’s, its Theo’s birthday party Saturday.  I’m heading out tonight then early Sunday I head to Liverpool for The Open.   Pretty sure I won’t be back at my place ‘til that next weekend then I will have a bunch of writing to do.”

 

“Ok, well, if all goes well I want to talk to you about being my best man.”  The excitement is replaced with seriousness.

 

“Thomas, man…”   he’s floored, honored, Niall doesn’t really know what to say.

 

“You are my best friend, dude, and there is no one else that I want up there with me.” 

 

“Well of course, who else would it be?”  Niall jokes, trying to calm the happiness inside, he is so sincerely overjoyed for his friends. He couldn’t ask for more than the people he loves finding happiness.

 

They chat for a little bit more before Niall has to finish packing and then start the drive over to his mum’s.

 

After everything that’s happened the last few days it’ll be nice to be able to escape to his childhood room, hide a little, and just ignore the world.  Granted Harry’s still there at his mum’s house, old pictures around the house, the blanket Harry had made for his mom one year, they are still around, but that’s old stuff, he’s used to dealing with that stuff.  It’s all this new stuff that’s making his head and his heart hurt.

 

He’s ready for a break.

 

He finished packing his bag and heads out the door.

 

\----

 

Harry felt bad when he realized how excited his mom was to have him home for the weekend.  Granted he just saw her at the wedding, but he was coming home, to stay in her house and she was going to get the chance to take care of her little boy.

 

Last night had been a pretty special night.  He had finally gotten to meet Thomas, and he had been a sweet, nervous, bumbling mess, meeting with all of them to ask for permission to ask for Gemma’s hand in marriage.  He had a big date planned for tonight, a beautiful ring picked out, and a pure love in his heart.  Harry hoped to be getting a call from his sister with good news later on tonight, or even a picture of a hand with a ring on it.

 

It had been a while since he’d been home, but as he pulls in the drive he realizes it’s the same.  The shutters are a different color and the garden has more flowers in it but he still feels like he can walk right in the door.  

 

He can’t stop himself from looking to the right.  Niall’s house.  Maura still lives there and he can tell by the planters on the stairs and same white lace curtains hanging in the window. He feels like he could walk right in, just like when they were kids. He looks to the side of the house, where Niall’s window faces his.  Will he see him tonight? 

 

Either way, he’s happy with getting the chance to hang out with his mum and Robin.  He knows his mom is going to be just as anxious for Gemma’s call as he is. 

 

His mom greets him with hugs and laughter.  They throw his bag in his old room and then settle on the couch to watch a film. They eat dinner later than normal and he can’t stop himself from looking over at the house next door.

 

If his mom notices she doesn’t say anything.

 

It’s finally as he’s getting ready to climb into bed, that he gets a text message from his sister a picture with the caption ‘I said yes.’  He sends his love and then drifts to sleep surrounded by the warmth and comfort of home.

 

“Harry!”  He wakes up to his mom’s voice from the bottom of the stairs.

 

“’m up, ‘m awake.”  He slurs out not even sure if his mom can hear him.   She must if her laughter is any indicator.

 

“I need you to run next door and get the eggs that Maura bought at the market for me.  They’re in the fridge.”

 

“Uh…”  His mind slowly starts working, “Is that really a good idea?”  He questions, as he pulls himself out of bed.  He pulls on trackies and a white vest, before heading into the bathroom to brush his teeth and use the loo.  He doesn’t hear his mum respond so he asks her again when he gets downstairs.

 

“Why not?”  Harry kind of wants to state the obvious, but instead he just gives his mom a questioning look.

 

“The wedding was last week; I don’t even think Niall is home.”  She tells him, looking at the window to the quiet unassuming house next door.

 

“There’s a black BMW parked over there, I doubt it’s Maura’s.”  He replies blandly grabbing a cup for tea.

 

“Honey, I am in the process of making you a full breakfast, but if you want eggs you need to go next door.  If the door is locked you know where the key is.”  Like that it’s done, he’s dismissed and he feels like he is 12 years old.  He slips on his shoes and walks out the front door, down the stairs, and jumping over the fence like he used to. 

 

When he gets to the door, he rings the bell.  When no one answers he grabs the key from the planter to make his way in. 

 

“Hello? Maura?”  He really hopes he doesn’t run into Niall this way.  If feels rude and intrusive and not at all what he was going for.  He was thinking that he could try to meet him the back yard or have Maura invite him in for tea.  Not to break in to his house to steal the eggs she bought for his mom.  Even though this is something they’ve been doing since the boys were six.

 

It’s a mind trip to step into the house, it feels the same.  He remembers watching TV on that couch, snogging Niall for the first time right there; feeling all risky because they didn’t know when his parents would be home. 

 

He makes his way to the kitchen.  The house hasn’t changed much, the hall is blue now instead of white, there are more pictures of Theo, less of Harry and Niall together, but Niall and Harry’s graduation picture is still hanging in the hall.  There’s a picture of Niall and Harry with their mums on move in day at college but more of Niall playing golf.  When he finally gets to the kitchen it’s a bright cheery yellow instead of white and the table is in the same place by the window.  It’s where they decided to go to college together and see about getting a flat after the first year was over.

 

He has just as many memories here as his own house and he feels a little unsteady. 

 

It’s when he hears steps coming down the stairs that he realizes he’s not alone.

 

“Jesus Fucking Christ!  What the hell are you doing here?”  Harry still jumps, startled by the loud voice.

 

And of course, there he is, Niall, in a towel, standing right there.  He tries not to look, but not really because he looks good, so good.  He must work to stay somewhat in shape, because his waist is trim and his hips are still narrow, but his chest and shoulders have broadened, his arms are tone.  There's a long surgery scar on his knee and Harry winces a little bit as he studies it quickly.   He’s still pale though, he had always loved that though, it was easy to mark him up.

 

“My mum… my mum sent me over, your mum got her eggs, from the market.  They’re in the fridge- that’s what she said… key was still in the same place… she told me to!”  He finishes, putting his hands up and finally looking away and over to the fridge.  Yes it was his goal to run into Niall, but he still didn’t want it to happen this way.  Niall looked uncomfortable and annoyed.

 

“Well, you know where it is then, fuckin’ crazy, years go by where I don’t see hide or hair of you then in two weeks and I see you twice…”  he goes to turn around, head back to where he came from.

 

“Niall…wait, can we talk please?”  Niall turns back around to face him.  Harry’s still not used to him looking so cold, so closed off, but all his memories are of a different time, of a different _them_.  It’s just like back at the wedding, his eyes cold, and voice indifferent.

 

“About what, Harry?  We did this already.  What in the world is there for us to actually talk about?”

 

“Gemma’s getting married.”  Niall still slightly damp from the shower he must have just finished.  Must be why he didn’t answer the doorbell.  His brown hair looks almost black and his eyes look even bluer than he remembers.  He also has more chest hair now, he kinda wants to run his hand through it, but that is really too distracting and he needs to focus on other things.  Like a real, civil conversation with Niall.

 

“I know... I got your number for Thomas.”  Harry can’t help his smile, because, well Niall has his number.  He even admitted it.   

 

“Can I have yours then?”  Harry can’t really help it, flirting with Niall is second nature.

 

“What? No! Why?”  He looks completely exasperated, confused.  It’s still adorable.

 

“Well, I tried to call you a couple years back but your number changed.”  Harry tilts his head, trying not to let his eyes follow the drops of water trailing down his chest.

 

“Haz, Let’s face it, if you wanted my number bad enough, you could have gotten it.”  _Haz_ he hasn’t heard that in forever.  It feels like putting on a comfy jumper just out of the dryer.

 

“True, but I wasn’t ready to tell everyone what I’d figured out.  That ending things with you was maybe a mistake.”  Niall’s eyes widen before he breaks eye contact with him. But Harry wasn’t going to lie to him.  He knew it was a mistake but you have to live with your mistakes.  The least he can do is apologize.  He looks down at the floor, then back up Niall’s body, the towel had dropped and a trace of black caught his eye.  “What’s that?”  He takes just a quick step closer. “Is that a tattoo?  Does Niall Horan have a tattoo?”  He can't help but laugh in amazement.

 

Niall quickly adjusted his towel and turned back around.  “You want to talk, fine.  I’ll go change.”  He walks away quick ignoring Harry’s last question and he’s back to looking at the kitchen. 

 

He walks over and the fridge is covered with pictures of Theo and drawings he’s done.  He opens the door and grabs the extra dozen of eggs then takes a seat at the table by the window.

 

Niall is back quick enough in a blue vest and trackies, barefoot and comfortable in his own childhood home, but it was just as much a home for Harry and he surprisingly feels comfortable being back here to.  Now that he thinks of it there probably isn’t a better place for this conversation.

 

“So…”  Niall walks over grabbing two glasses and filling them with water handing one to Harry before sitting down across from him and taking a drink. “Talk.”  He waves a hand at Harry to continue and for the life of him he can’t remember everything that he wants to say.  He’s thought of this so many times and all those words, all those times he’s poured his heart out to the mirror, he just can’t remember the words.

 

“I was young and dumb.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I told myself that it wasn’t fair to you, to move to the states and try launch my career leaving you behind here.  But really I was just scared to lose you and have you become a stranger.  And that’s what happened anyway. I’m so sorry that I did that to you.”

 

“Okay, do you feel better now?”  Niall asks bluntly, his chin is resting in his palm as he looks at Harry.  He's not really giving Harry much to work with here.

 

“No.”  And it’s true; he doesn’t feel any better at all.

 

“I don’t know what you’re looking for?  Closure, maybe?  I can’t give it to you.”  Niall isn’t really making eye contact with him, looking over his shoulder instead of looking him in the eye.

 

“I miss my best friend.”  He says it softly, he doesn’t mean to sound as unconfident as he does.

 

“I’m pretty sure you have a new best friend now.”  Niall smiles gently, but when he does finally meet Harry’s eyes his smile isn’t reflected there.  Harry still knows him.

 

“I made a mistake.”

 

“Okay, but it’s been almost four years.  What do you expect?”  Niall asks and it is a good question.   Harry still isn’t even exactly sure what he wants.

 

“So…”  And he raises his brow and tries to think about what he wants to ask.  But again, Niall already knows.

 

“We can’t go back; I can’t just go back to being your friend.  It’s not fair of you to ask that of me.  The past is the past, let’s leave it there.  We’ve already proven that we can be civil to each other.”  He’s so calm, so cold. 

 

It’s not like he’s never seen him like this before, but he knows what it is.  He knows that it’s a cover for his anger, the colder he is the angrier he is; the more that he pretends it’s nothing the more it still bothers him.  Niall hasn’t changed that much, he’s still an open book to Harry.

 

“Really?  Civil?  I think that’s bullshit.  How long have you wanted to tell me how stupid I was, yell at me, scream at me?  Why don’t you do it, then we can both move on?”  It’s the first thing that Harry says that seems to trigger a reaction.  A flush spreads across his cheeks and down his neck.  Yeah, he hit a nerve.

 

“What you haven’t moved on?  Two weeks after you left you were making out with a super model.  You moved on a long time ago.”  Harry couldn’t help but wince, Niall’s memory was always a dangerous thing.

 

“It wasn’t what it looked like.” And he knew what he was talking about, but at the time he was more amazed that he was even getting papped at all. That photo made his name known to almost everyone and suddenly there was a buzz around his album.

 

“It doesn’t matter what it looked like.”  He was trying to stuff it down again, that cool exterior was making its way back up.

 

“Yes it does, because you didn’t fight for us.  I said its over and you didn’t fight for me.”  It was the one thing that always hurt him, if they meant so much to each other, why did Niall just _let_ _him_ _go_?

 

“You didn’t even give me a fucking chance.  I only had half the money saved up for a ticket to LA and by then you were already making out with people that weren’t me so what was the fucking point?  Is that what you wanted, some big fucking romantic gesture?  Well maybe-just maybe- you should have communicated that instead of deciding that you wanted to end things.”  Niall breath is coming in pants by the time he’s done and it’s nice to see him so emotional, this is the Niall he knows.   He stands up and looks down at Harry.

 

“You know what- no- you don’t get to do this.  You want me to yell at you, make you feel better for fucking us both over but you know what- no.  Fuck you- you shouldn’t get to feel better because the fact of the matter is I wasted almost four years with you because you never believed in us.”

 

“Now that’s not true!”  Harry can’t help but mirror his position, standing up placing both hands flat on the table.  But in a way it was, he had let all the other people taint his way of thinking.   A long distance relationship was too hard, a normal person would never be able to handle the fame that Harry was going to achieve, it would be best for his image if he was single. He had heard it from other people in the industry, his manager before Jeff, and numerous others. 

 

“Harry, you dropped me because you didn’t think I could handle your fame!”

 

“No, I didn’t think it was fair…”  At least that was what he had always told himself.

 

“You don’t need to justify it!  Its over! Done!” 

 

“I don’t think so.  Gems is getting married to one of your best friends we need to make sure that we don’t….”  He doesn’t want something like this tainting the future; he wants to work this out.  If anything just to make Gemma’s wedding planning as easy as possible.  But Niall interrupted him before he could really communicate that.

 

“We aren’t going ruin anything!” Niall still knows him so well, knows exactly what he’s thinking.  “As long as you leave me alone I will leave you alone.  It will be fine.”  He’s going all cold again. Harry can almost see it, like a shield of ice moving up his body.

 

“Niall, come on, why does it have to be this way?”  Harry asks exasperated.  “Just talk to me here.”  He’s pleading, Niall always talked to him, honest with him even when it hurt.

 

“I fucking knew it was forever, and you… you didn’t believe in us.  That’s why it is the way it is now.  You did this, you ruined us.  Don’t try to say any different.”  His hands are expressive, angry as he points at Harry.

 

“Really, Really?  You knew?  You had such faith in us, huh?  Am I supposed to just trust that?”  It really pisses him off; Harry couldn’t have been the only one that wondered if their relationship could handle it.

 

“You know what. Seriously- just- fuck you.”  Then he does something Harry doesn’t expect.  He lifts his shirt, pulling down on his joggers and his pants down, low, indecently low on his hip to reveal… his tattoo. 

 

It’s on the left side, where Harry always liked to leave a love bite, it was his spot, jokingly making claim to it on a regular basis.  Something about the way it tasted always salty and it always just smelled like _Niall_.

 

He steps closer, around the table, looking down, and it doesn’t change, there…  On Niall’s skin, his initials, written in a cursive script, _his_ _handwriting_ , he recognizes, underneath it, the date Niall moved in next door with an infinity sign.  He reaches out to touch but Niall takes a step back.  He pulls back up the joggers, elastic falling back in place with a snap.  Harry wants to see it again, touch it.

 

“When did you get that?”  Harry can’t catch his breath, he knows how Niall feels about tattoos, he doesn’t believe in them, never felt the need for them.  They just weren’t for him, laughed multiple times when Harry had suggested getting something together.

 

“Two days before we broke up, when you were getting ready to fly back from LA.”  _When he was making the decision to leave him, Niall was getting a tattoo to show him it was forever._  The irony was not lost on Harry.“Take your mom’s eggs and go, just get the hell out of my house.” 

 

“Niall.”  It’s a plea but he doesn’t know what for.  He just doesn’t want to leave it like this.

 

“Get out.”  Niall walks away.  Harry knows where he’s going, but he respects his wishes because he figures he’s pushed enough already today.  He grabs the eggs and walks out the front door, stashing the key back under the planter where Maura always hides it and walks across the lawn back to his mums’ and now he just doesn’t know what to do because that was not what he expected.

 

“What took you so long, honey?”  When his mum sees his face she just stops.  “Oh, baby, he was there?  I’m so sorry.”  Anne turns off the stove, leaving the bacon and potatoes sizzling and grabs the eggs to set on the counter before wrapping him up.

 

He grabs onto his mum, nodding into her shoulder. He can’t even tell her why he’s crying, hell, he doesn’t even know.  But his mom is amazing and just holds him until he finally feels like he can pull away.   

  
She reaches her hands up, wiping the salty tear marks from his face.  “Go freshen up, baby, breakfast will be ready in a few.”

 

He nods, trudges up stairs, when he walks into his room, he can’t stop himself from looking straight over into Niall’s room.  He’s been able to do it since he was a kid. They would talk for hours through their open windows even when they were supposed to be asleep. Niall’s curtains are open, which he didn’t notice this morning but he definitely notices now. 

 

The other boy is pacing, back and forth, in his room, running his hands through his hair, like he always does when he’s agitated.

 

It’s like Niall can feel his stare, and even though their houses are close Harry feels so far away from the boys they used to be.  He can see from here those gorgeous blue eyes are red.  He’s been crying too.

 

Niall walks over and pulls the curtain shut.   

 

Harry drops down on the bed, head in his hands.  Maybe this is useless.  Maybe all of this is pointless?  But he can’t stop thinking back to the dark ink laid into Niall’s skin.  He barely got to see it but now he knows it’s there.  It’s almost unnerving to think that it has always been there.  It was there the day that he told Niall they were over.  He can’t even imagine the consistent reminder that it was.

 

He almost thinks that this is all pointless.  Trying to talk to Niall, mend that bridge, and heal both their hearts.

 

So maybe it is pointless but that tattoo inked on Niall’s skin really makes him think otherwise.

 

\----

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, this chapter is not proof-read by anyone other than me so all mistakes are mine.

\----

It’s just after 5:00am when Niall walks out the door of his childhood home. He is so grateful to be heading back to work. The drive from his mum’s place in Cheshire to Liverpool should only take about an hour but he needs to be there early even if they don’t tee off until mid morning. 

He looks over to the house next door, the kitchen light is on but Robin has always been an early riser. There were times when he used to go over and say hello, even after he and Harry ended things, but he doesn’t want to now even if he had the time. There is still a black Range Rover sitting in their driveway and he knows it’s not theirs. He actually knows exactly who it belongs to and after yesterday he would like to avoid him for as long as possible. 

God, he was such an idiot yesterday morning. In his defense he had been shocked, frozen to the floor- mouth open kind of shock when he saw Harry standing in his kitchen before he even thought to speak. If he was smart he would have asked him to leave right away, no questions just grab the eggs and go. But it was like the second he saw him standing there in his ma’s kitchen; he was transported back to secondary school when they would be in and out of each other’s houses, walking in like they belonged there. 

He should have just made Harry leave. But he wanted to talk…and Niall had never been good at denying him of anything. And his mum had bought his mum eggs, because that is what their mums do. 

But that was also not how he saw the conversation going. He can’t even explain why he was so angry, they’ve both moved on, been in other relationships, put the past behind them, but the fact is he knows that he will never be over Harry- he doesn’t think anyone can ever successfully get over Harry Styles. But now he knows things he didn’t before, that Harry regretted leaving him – he doesn’t really know what to do with that information- but also that he tried to call him, knew his number changed, knew a lot about his life, he was guessing. 

The problem is Harry knows things now too, knows that Niall had planned on coming after him, that he saw that picture of him with his girlfriend –or what the fuck ever-, knows he was jealous, knows that he can still pull all these stupid emotions from him, knows that he inked his skin for him and that he never covered or removed it. Ellie’s words from three weeks ago make a whole hellva lot more sense now that he had a temper tantrum and showed Harry everything. He just couldn’t control his emotions around Harry and that hasn’t changed. Now the emotions that Harry pulls out are just a lot more turbulent and at the negative side of the spectrum instead of the positive happy side like when they were together. Back then there was never a bad day around Harry. 

In the end he just tries to lose himself in his work for a while.

And the week at work does nothing to keep his mind off of Harry but not for his lack of trying. It seems like fellow press and golfers alike are all fans of Harry’s movies and music and if Niall wasn’t annoyed at Gemma before for positing that picture of the two of them he is now. It doesn’t help that now there is a blurry cell phone picture image of them talking at Liam’s wedding. And Liam is right, god dammit, they still look good together.

So now all these people keep asking him about all aspects of Harry’s life, like he has an inside advantage. He has gotten very used to saying that they were childhood friends that don’t really see each other anymore. But it still annoys him that he just can’t seem to escape Harry.

He stays as busy as he can. He churns out articles daily for sharing on Facebook and Twitter, does commentary one of the pro-am days and by the end of the tournament he has three more articles that he needs to get done and submitted by the end of the week along with two free-lance articles for two separate magazines. During this time of year he gets to keep himself pretty busy and he thanks his lucky stars that he was unintentionally so good at networking when he played otherwise his life would be very very different.

When he finally gets home he has a hard time settling back into work. He spends most of the time texting Thomas, then Louis and Liam. Gemma is starting to harass him about that dinner date and the longer he sits in his office the more he remembers Ellie walking through that office door, telling him he’s not over his ex- he’s figured that out by now, thank you very much- and that they should take a break.

He can’t stop thinking of his confrontations with Harry and it keeps sitting uneasy with him. More than once he had looked at that phone number and tried to figure out if he should call or apologize. But he just really doesn’t know what do, but he doesn’t really want to try to talk to Harry agin. It’s not like he’s really angry or upset, he just truly doesn’t see the point in bringing up all this…stuff. Plus it really doesn’t help that every time he sees Harry he just gets resentful at what could have been even though he knows better, knows that he wouldn’t have everything that he has now if they did stay together.

He just really doesn’t know how to balance all the emotions that Harry brings out in him, but the truth is that Harry has always created a whirlwind inside of him.

With a huff he throws his laptop in his bag and walks out of the house. Just a couple blocks down is his favorite place, Auld Shillelagh, warm, Irish, cozy and quiet this time of day. He could maybe sit by the window with a Guinness and get some work done.

The walk is quick from his place and a he waves at Connor behind the dark cherry bar. The place is pretty slow which is normal for a Monday afternoon, so he takes over a booth by a window, sets up his stuff then walks over to the bar to grab a pint and some food. The pub is decorated in dark woods, the color green, and the Irish flag, and it helps to numb his mind of all the thoughts that have been raging in his head the last week.

Once he’s settled he finally gets down to work, it seems to flow easier now that he’s not at home, he can focus here. He’s finally on his last article, just proof-reading all his numbers, jumping between player’s stats, times, rounds, and where they are headed to next. The end is in sight.

He registers the outside door opening, but that’s nothing new, a few people have started to wonder in. The noise has started to pick up and the atmosphere has a little bit more energy than before he glances at the time on his computer noting he’s been here a few hours. But that’s ok; he is finally done with this, he just needs touch up a couple things and then email it off to the editor. He ignores most of the noise, until a familiar voice cuts through.

“Why am I not surprised to find you here? You always loved this place.” Niall finally snaps his head up, to see Harry drop into the booth right across from him. His hair is a curly halo around his bright smiling face and Niall has to stop himself from smiling back because he’s not happy to see him-not really- but Harry’s smile is just very contagious. He also can’t help but wonder when he finally figured out how to style his own hair. Then he quickly reminds himself that he doesn’t care.

The taller boy unzips his hoodie to reveal a threadbare grey shirt underneath. Harry has all sorts of new tattoos, but Niall can see the old ones, the swallows on his collarbones, and the outline of moth on his stomach. He’s wearing two necklaces, one Niall is pretty sure is the cross that he gave him for his 19th birthday, but that can’t be right, granted Niall spent an entire paycheck on that necklace but Harry’s worth millions now. So it must be Niall’s imagination tricking him. 

“What are you doing here?” He doesn’t mean for it to sound as rude as it does, but it seems to be his default setting around Harry lately. 

“Getting lunch, dinner, whatever. I walked by and saw you sitting here, realized I was hungry so it was a win-win.” Harry’s eyes are a little bit more guarded than the last couple times they spoke and Niall gets that. He was a twat last time, still is actually, the second Harry sat down his stomach tied up in knots and any thoughts he had flew oh the window. “So what are you doing?”

“Working on an article, and I have a deadline…” He nods a bit, hoping that Harry will get the hint and maybe move elsewhere, because hasn't he had to deal with the ghost of Harry enough this week? When is he going to catch a break here?

“I’m assuming that this seat isn’t taken? I just need a place to wait for my food.” Harry’s raises a brow in question as he nods back to the bar where he can hear the noise from the kitchen.

“There is no one here, you can literally sit anywhere.” Niall huffs exasperated, waving his hand around the mostly empty pub. He forgot how stubborn Harry could be and he truly doesn’t know what Harry wants from him. 

“I don’t know. I kinda like the view here.” Niall rolls his eyes and fights back the smile, because that-that was pure sop. Damn him. He knows that Harry caught him to because his eyes light up a little.

“Harry, c’mon. What do you want? Didn’t we do this already? Have this talk?” Their last talk is practically burned in his memory, doesn’t understand how Harry can dismiss it so quickly.

“What do you mean?” He asks, the tilt of his head oh so familiar.

“We talked it out. I yelled, you yelled, I asked you to leave, you left… Why are you still here?” Niall closes the lid of his laptop and throws his hands up exasperated…. “I don’t know. Like what the hell is your goal… your endgame… like -what the fuck?” He really is so confused and just- “Are you stalking me?”

“What? No!” Harry’s eyes go wide, innocent. “I swear, I was just walking from bookstore,” He pointed back over his shoulder then pointed in the other direction, “I was heading home, I’m not like creepy, or stalkery, or anything like that.”

Niall looked at him questioningly, dark brow raised, but he seems to be telling the truth. “You live that way?” He queries, taking a sip of his almost warm and almost gone Guinness. It’s disgusting but his mouth is dry, being nervous does that to him. He licks his lips but ignores Harry’s glance down because, what the hell? 

“Yeah,” he nodded and then all Niall could really think was shit, they live really close to one another. For some reason, he’s not really surprised, because apparently he has really shitty luck right now. Harry’s voice is a little bit sharper this time when he asks, “And what are you talking about, endgame?” 

“Endgame?” He stresses, “Like why do you keep talking to me?” He talks slowly, clearly almost wondering if Harry had taken a hit to the head recently. 

“Why can’t I talk to you?” He counters, he rest his elbow on the table, chin resting on his palm. The silver of his rings sparkle drawing his attention, he has more rings now than he used to. It seems weird to still notice these things about Harry, he used to know him inside and out but now there are new things. And he hates that he kinda wants to discover them.

“We’re exs Haz…”

“Exs can be friendly… Look at Paltrow and Martin.” Niall bites his lip to keep his smile in check.

“They have a kid together, a little different than us. Besides we spent years pretending the other didn’t exist.”

“We have Lou, that kinda counts as joint custody.” This time Niall can’t stop his laugh, because that is a really valid point. He’s quick to bring them back to the topic at hand. 

“But really, it’s been working, I ignore you, you ignore me, all is good and right with the world.” It’s a lie, he knows it is, but that’s his story.

“Well, it might be working for you, but-” He draws the word out and Niall can see that he’s trying to think figure out what he wants to say.

“But?” He prods when it seems like Harry isn’t going to continue.

“So I told you that I made a mistake, yeah?” And Niall nods, “And I know that doesn’t fix things.” He sits up a little straighter, moving his hand back and forth between them. He looks anxious. “But I’d really like to have you back in my life.”

“I’m sorry what?” Niall doesn’t mean for it to sound so shocked or rude, but really?

“Well with- like- everything, me being back full time, you being here, my sister marrying one of your best friends. I’d like to try to be friends again. And maybe when you really start to warm up to me again, I could take you out, like on a date, maybe?”

“What the hell? A fucking date? Let me make this clear- who we are now, is not who we were then. You can’t just come in here and ask me on a date thinking that will make everything ok.” He has to take a minute to calm down. Only Harry can make him feel this absolutely crazy.

“Why not try? How do you know that the people we are now can’t fit together just like the people we were then? You can’t know that.” His eyes are so very green and pleading, but he is not going to fall into it this time.

“Pretty sure I can.” His response is sharp and cutting, but the look on Harry’s face changes- sharpens as he starts to put the pieces together.

“You’re scared.” He’s daring Niall to fight him, but there is nothing to fight. Niall has the past and the truth on his side.

“I’m not scared, I’m realistic. But say I was- I think that I would have every right to be. Just look at what happened last time. Most of our relationship was smooth sailing, a fight here or there but then –boom- there’s an issue and you bail. Well- guess what? Our lives are a whole hellva lot more complicated now than they were then. You would run at the first sign of a challenge.” He makes sure that his voice is low and serious. At least this explains the last couple conversations. 

“You would have to trust me.” Niall tries to ignore that he can hear Harry’s voice shaking, the words he said effecting the other boy.

“You don’t deserve my trust." Niall scoffs at him.

“But don’t I deserve to earn it back? C’mon Ni, fourteen years of friendship, it’s worth something.” He doesn’t even realize that his hands are clenched together on top of his laptop until one of Harry’s large warm hands covers his nervous fingers.

He takes a deep breath, pulls his hands out from under Harry’s and puts his hands in his lap. “Really, Haz, let’s not. To be brutally honest with you, it gutted me when you left. I am not going to go through that again. I absolutely refuse to be in a situation like that ever again.” He tears his eyes away from Harry only to be drawn right back to him, when the other boy sighs dejectedly. 

“Start as friends?” The plea is optimistic and hopeful.

“I have no desire to tell you about my day to day life and I don’t want to hear about yours. And I certainly do not want to ever hear about your love life.” But the truth is he does want to know, not about his love life, but the other things. What was it like recording those albums, the songs that he wrote about their relationship? What was it like traveling the world, singing to thousands, and then shooting one of the biggest blockbuster films of the decade? Did it all give him something that Niall never could?

“Mine is non-existent, believe it or not I’ve wanted to do this for a while.” He looks bashful, something Harry Styles rarely is. 

“Do what?” He’s back to confusion, he feels like he’s on a wild ride of emotions and he just never knows what emotion is coming next.

“Come back home, find you, try to make things right.” Niall just can’t stop looking at him. He looks so eager, so honest, and he’s putting everything on the table.

“No,” He shakes his head, “that is not- just no. I still get annoyed just looking at you.” And that is somewhat true, but really he thinks he just misses what could have been. That he’s angry that Harry was the only one that made the decision on their future. “It doesn’t matter that you regret it. We are who we are now because of it. And I like who I am now.”

“But you’re not happy.”

“Maybe that’s just because you are around.” He mutters under his breath but it looks like Harry chooses to ignore that statement and is still waiting for a reply, “And you don’t know that.”

“Bullshit. I know what you look like happy. I knew you, I still know you. I know who you are at your core. I may not know all your habits and idiosyncrasies like I did before but I still know you. All we have to do is this. Just talk to each other. It might be hard at times, but this is a start.” They both pause as a to-go bag is set down in front of Harry. He smiles and thanks Connor for the food. Niall just heaves a big sigh.

“Haz, this conversation is useless. I don’t…”

“Do you know that that is the third time that you have called me ‘Haz’ today? See you’re already warming up to me.” He says it with a bright smile as he stands. “I’m going to take this as a win and I will chat with you soon, ok?” He stands up and grabs his bag, and as he walks past Niall he leans down to press a kiss to the top of his head. He’s gone before Niall can really say a thing. 

He drops his head down on his computer letting out a massive sigh, he looks up when he hears the glass hit the table. He looks up at Connor gratefully.

“This one’s on the house.” 

Niall smiles as he picks up the cold pint. “Thanks.”

He pushes his laptop back open, but all he can really do is stare at the article that he thinks he finished, but now he can’t remember. He skims over it quick, knowing that he’s not really going to get any more done with it now. Harry’s words are echoing in his brain and he can’t really think. So he emails the article to his editor and then he is done with what needs to be done. 

He drains his pint as he finishes packing up. It’s then that he realizes that Harry forgot his hoodie. It’s a Green Bay Packers hoodie, heavier for what actually needed considering it’s almost August. He throws it over his laptop case. 

He’s barely standing when his phone starts ringing. It’s Louis and he probably has already heard by now from Liam and Gemma everything that’s going on. Not answering is not an option unless he wants to be hounded for the next few days. He loves the man but really?

“Hey Lou.” He waves to Connor as he heads out. The barman tips his head back in return, but the bar is already starting to fill with the normal Monday crowd there for the live music. 

“Hey Nialler, what’s up mate? I haven’t heard from you in a while.” He’s digging. Niall knows it. 

“Whatever, it hasn't been that long. What do you want Lou?” His nerves feel frayed and he doesn’t really have the patience to deal with this right now. Not after dealing with Harry. 

“Oh, well, don’t you sound a little pissy? Fine. Liam said you called for Harry’s number.” Louis must have gotten the hint and decided not to beat around the bush. 

“Is that a statement or a question?” He hmms as he finally gets through the gate at his house. He’s juggling his keys before he finally gets in his front door. He hangs Harry’s hoodie in the entry way, hates the way it looks like it belongs there.

“It’s a statement, the question is why?”

“Mate, haven’t you figured it out yet? Thomas needed it. Wanted to meet with Harry before he proposed to Gems.” Feels somewhat good to get it off his chest. It didn’t matter that he programmed the number back in his phone. Didn’t matter he still had it memorized. That meant nothing-nothing at all.

“I see, so then…” He props for more info and Niall huffs.

“I got the number, gave it to Thomas, and then nothing…”

“Nothing?” Louis prompts and it’s like he knows something.

“What do you know?” He asks bluntly, sometimes that’s the only way to deal with Louis. He loves the man like a brother, but the man sometimes just knows too much.

“I know that you were both at your parents this weekend and he was in your house and you kicked him out.” So Harry told him about their conversation but he didn’t tell him about the tattoo then… interesting.

“Yes, that happened too.” There, confirmed, that’s all this little busy body is getting.

“Nialler, you need to be nicer to him.” He huffs it out on a laugh but it’s a very serious statement.

“I’m trying,” He growls out, “But he keeps talking about being friends and shit again.”

“And what’s wrong with that- Freddie No! Hang on.” Louis disappears for a few seconds and it gives Niall time to get rid of everything he’s been carrying. Louis comes back after a quick minute. “It’s not a bad idea; you guys have a lot of history.”

“And it ended horribly.” Niall feels the need to remind him.

“And you guys were both young.” Lou counters.

“Incredibly young,” Niall agrees, “it’s not like I hate him. I just don’t want to hang out with him.”

“Or you do and you hate the fact that you do because he ripped your heart out of your chest, stomped on it, and then walked away.” And this is why he hates Louis, because he does want to talk to Harry and learn everything that has happened the last few years. Yeah he’s heard stories from Anne and Gemma, but he would love to hear Harry tell it in that nonlinear confusing way that he does.

“It’s not that. It’s really not.”

“Then what is it?”

“I just can’t open myself up to him like that again. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” He finally drops down on his bed after making his way through his house. It’s not that late, but all the Guinness sits low in his belly warming him and telling him he’s much more tired that he actually is.

“How did he fool you?” Louis sounds gentle, and that is definitely not normal. Maybe he’s just talking soft and trying not disturb Freddie,

“Listen I was all in, he wasn’t, that makes me an idiot any way you look at it.” How can talking about this still make him feel like he’s going to cry? 

“He loved you, don’t ever question that, did he fuck up? Yes. Did he ruin things? Sure. But he’s back, and you are part of the reason he’s back. And things don’t have to be ruined forever. Be kind, just try. You’re a good person Niall, one of the best people I have ever met in my life. He’s not asking for the world, just a chance.” The words ring true to him and he pauses, lets them sink in. A chance, maybe not a full on second chance but a kinda sorta second chance. Maybe fourteen years together does warrant that? Tommo really is going to make an incredible dad.

“Ok.” Niall relents, his shoulders fold in and now he just wants to curl up and sleep.

“Promise?” 

“Yes, promise.”

The chat for a little more, but Louis must be able to tell that Niall is a little off. He lets him off the call when Freddie gets a little bit more rowdy.

He lays flat on his back, stares at the bedroom ceiling. Louis is right, Harry’s back, and Niall needs to find a way to deal with him. This hurt, resentment isn't helping, and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s torn his heart apart every time they see each other. Fourteen years of friendship is something to fall back on. He just can't be an idiot. His heart still hurts when he thinks about him, this last month it has only gotten worse. He can't let himself fall for Harry. Loving Harry was one of the things he was best at; it was easy to fall for Harry and just as easy to fall harder every day. He lost himself when he lost Harry and it took him a long time to be able to look in the mirror and see someone worth loving. He can't go through that again. 

But this can't keep happening either; he’s got to figure something out. 

He finally gives in, crawling under the sheets and curling into himself, he drifts off. 

He hates that when he wakes up in the morning he remembers of dreaming about Harry, hates even more that it’s really nothing new.

\----

Gemma’s excitement just radiates off of her. She is thrilled to the moon and Harry could not be more pleased that he is around to see it. She is so energetic that he could barely keep up with her.

They had spent the entire day entire day hunting out different venues for a small engagement party. Thomas was going to meet them here, but Harry already knew that this one was it. It was a smaller venue, but the rose garden was beautiful and they had 20 rooms in the bed and breakfast section and they could hold a majority of those for the guest of the engagement party since there would be plenty of celebrating going on. Then there was a catered brunch in the morning before everyone could head on their way. 

It was going to be like a fairytale; Harry was going to make sure of it. 

When Thomas did arrive they all stayed for dinner at the small restaurant attached. While it could only seat about 50 people it was still serene while bustlingly busy. It’s times like this that he knows it was the right thing to come home. Be in London, permanently.

Thomas is really a great lad. He can see why both Niall and Gemma befriended him. He has the same Irish warm that Niall has, but a little bit of Louis mischievousness mixed in there as well. He and Gemma are consistently whispering and conspiring through the meal, leaving Harry to look at his mum and jokingly roll his eyes.

The talk consistently of wants and needs for the wedding, where it could be, dream locations for the honeymoon and Harry is just a little jealous of his sister. And he does freeze a little bit when talk of best man comes up because he didn’t realize how close Thomas and Niall were. 

The evening runs later than expected, and Gemma and his mum are both warm and glowing with too much red wine. 

Walking back from the loo, Harry stops before making the corner to the door outside where Gemma and Thomas are waiting. From here he can hear that they are talking about him, or at least kind of.

“How was Niall when you talked to him?” Gemma asks. Harry knows she’s trying to be quiet but she doesn’t really do ‘quiet’ very well when she’s had a little bit of wine.

“What do you mean? He was fine?” He sounds confused, Harry’s right there with him.

“Harry said he ran into him at a bar a few days back?”

“Well, ok?” Confusion is still laced through his voice.

“You are not doing your job well at all.” Gemma sounded huffy. Thomas just laughs.

“I barely know your brother; I am not going to be able to convince Niall to ‘open his heart again.’” Harry can hear the sarcasm and he scoffs a laugh, because that is totally something Gemma would say.

“But we need to try.” It’s a hiss and Harry settles in against the wall to listen in. He doesn’t feel bad at all.

“Babe, if it works then it works and if it doesn’t it doesn’t, you can’t force anything. Besides Niall seems more annoyed than anything.”

“Oh... so he has said something?” Harry perks up at that as well.

“Not really, just that he keeps popping up.”

“Well they only live like three streets from each other. Hopefully they will run into each other more often.”

“The golf tournaments are still going strong. He’s going to be busy. He won’t really be able to relax until like the end of September. Who knows if Harry will still even be interested?” He hears a thud with a grumbled “Ouch,” from Thomas.

“Of course he'll still be interested - he'll always be interested. They were destined for each other.” At this Thomas laughs “What you don’t believe in that? Like you weren’t destined for me?” She’s back to trying to whisper- she’s failing.

“We never would have met if Niall and Harry were still together. Maybe all that pain and bitterness was fate’s way of making sure you met me?” Harry can see his mom coming back from the loo and he holds up a finger, smiling because this conversation more than anything proves that Thomas is the right man for Gems.

“Maybe? But now that we’ve found each other it’s their turn.” She seems a little sad and Harry hates to think that he has somehow diminished her glow. His mum settles in beside him smiling as she lays her head on his shoulder, finding humor in her son eavesdropping on her daughter.

“I will tell you this though; he doesn’t talk about him much, which says to me he’s thinking about him a lot.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Niall gets anxious, thinks and thinks and thinks, until he’s overthought everything. My guess is that he’s thinking about Harry more than he lets on.” He’s not wrong. Niall is much more of an anxious thinker than he lets on to be. He may seem like the easy fun loving type and he is for the most part. But he is also a lot more quiet and pensive in private, a side Harry used to know very well.

“Really?”

“Just my thoughts, now stop trying to push it.”

“Hmm. I just want them both happy and they were when they were together. ” He hears the click of her heels as she takes a couple steps then a smack of a soft kiss. “Love you.”

“Love you too, babe.”

His mom elbows him, telling him it’s time to go and they announce their presence from around the corner. They walked out together, parting ways on the street.

His mom is staying with him for a couple days while she and Gemma do some shopping. Even though the wedding is more than a year off both are excited to get some things worked out. 

He spends the next day reading through scripts that Jeff has sent him. Nothing is really grabbing his interest but apparently Christopher Nolan was gearing up for something new and it would be shot again in France so it was definitely something that he would consider. 

He also needs to book some studio time. It’s time to start working on his third album and he’s already got a couple of his own songs written and he can’t help but want to reach out to Ed and see if he has written anything with ‘James Gallagher’ lately. Part of him wonders if Niall still has any their old notebooks filled with songs. They never got shipped to him so Harry assumes that Niall either binned them or hid them away. He wonders if it would be rude to ask him.

Niall was definitely warming up to him. The last time they had talked he had heard one laugh and gotten at least two almost smiles. His eyes had held a little bit of the warm than they had at the wedding and it was enough to send sunshine through his veins and send butterflies to his stomach. Even being cold, Niall was one of the warmest, most beautiful people he has ever laid eyes on. 

He’s trying not to hope, but his thoughts keep going back to that damn tattoo inked on Niall’s hip saying that he belongs to Harry. 

By day three of cooking for his mum and occasionally Gemma he was almost out of groceries. There was a Waitrose that was pretty close and it was somewhat early especially for a Sunday, so he yelled up to his mum that he was heading out to grab some groceries and would make breakfast when he got back. 

It was nice to be able to take care of his mum. 

He’s in the produce aisle picking up onions when he gets the shock of a life time. 

"Haz?" Harry looks up startled, because this was beyond his wildest hopes- this is Niall actually starting a conversation… with him. 

"Hey," He smiles; he can't help it, seeing Niall still makes him smile. He’s dressed casually, super casual, grey trackies, blue Nike shirt, and a snapback. He looks soft and cuddly and Harry wants to… well he doesn’t know for sure what he wants to do, but he wants to do something, many different somethings. 

"What are you, never mind... you’re obviously shopping,” He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "I'm just not used to running into you.” He looks away, scanning down the aisle before turning that blue gaze back to Harry. “See this is weird. This is why we can't be friends. It’s just strange." He stresses it, "I'll see you at the engagement party." Niall goes to turn but Harry doesn't let him. He grabs his arm before he turns away, can’t let him leave because the beginning of that sentence was sounding very optimistic. So much more than he was even going to let himself hope for.

"Look, look, it's only weird if we make it that way. Just give it a shot. ?" Harry knows he sounds like he's begging and he really is, because Niall came over to him. He saw him in the store, approached him- called out to him. It was more than he expected, especially after their last couple run-ins and how they had ended fairly badly.

"Lou said I should be nice to you. Made me promise even. But I just don't even know what to say to you." Niall shrugs his shoulders and it looks awkward since he's still holding a basket full of groceries. 

"I'm still just me… Harry." And he really wants to take the stray strand of hair and tuck it away from his eyes under his snapback, but he keeps his hands to himself. 

"Maybe, but I don't know you anymore, not really." Niall looks away picks up a bright red apple to stare at instead of looking at Harry; he grabs a couple and places them in a bag to put in his basket.

"I bet you can still guess at least three of the items in this basket." Harry lifts the basket when Niall's eyes are drawn to it, covering it with his other hand so Niall can't see inside.

"That would be too easy, bananas, kale, and lettuce, you eat like a rabbit." Niall doesn't even hesitate in his answer and it makes Harry smile because he's right, of course he’s right.

"See- you still know me." Niall huffs out a little laugh. It's only the second kinda sorta laugh he's heard come out of his mouth that was caused by him. He is going to call it progress. But he still wants to hear it more.

"That doesn't mean I know you, Haz, it means your diet hasn't changed. We've both changed a lot." He points out. And it's not like Harry doesn't know what he's saying... he does.

"Maybe, but I want to know you now like I did then. Look I'm really sorry for the way that I ending things...” But Niall doesn’t even let him finish.

"You have to stop apologizing." Niall interrupts. Harry can’t help but blink at him. "I get that you wish things had been different." He takes a couple steps away from him; towards the vegetables and Harry follows him. He seems to be studying broccoli but Harry waits. He knows that Niall is just trying to figure out how to say what he wants to say. "Your dreams came true and so did mine. And it happened because you left.” He pauses before finally asking, “Do you like your life?" He isn't really making eye contact as he bags up the broccoli. This Niall eats much healthier than the one he remembers. And he’s obviously thought about this, with how confident he’s saying it. 

"I like parts of my life." He admits. And he does, making music and making movies are the stuff of dreams. But so is that tattoo sitting on Niall's hip and he really wants to see it again.

"Then it was worth it, right? You got to be happy so it was worth it." Niall looks back at him, blue eyes misty, it doesn’t pass his notice that Niall doesn’t really speak of his own happiness. He was never one to worry about his happiness, always worried about everyone else around him first.

"No, it wasn't. Because having all this without someone by my side is worthless. Sure I make music and movies. I’m oddly famous, and god I hate that word, and I have fans even but it's not like coming home to you after a long day at the bakery." And it's mostly true. He had some amazing high points but still signing for the flat and moving in with Niall was still one of the best days of his life, his first time making love to him, as quick and nervous as he was, ranks up there too.

"Haz, what do you want from me? We can't just keep talking about this every time we meet. It's not healthy."

"So come over to my place, tell me about the Masters and the Open tour, how you introduced Gemma and Thomas, what you got Freddie for his first birthday. Leave when you’re ready. I'll stop apologizing and you'll give me a chance." Niall seems to be a little indecisive, biting his red lower lip until its white from the pressure. But he came over here, to talk to him, its more headway than Harry could have hoped for.

"I'll think about it. I don’t know what you’ve done but you already have Lou on your side, twat." He admits and for the first time since Harry came back Niall's eyes are soft, almost fond.

"Ok. I'll take what I can get." Harry picks up some asparagus and puts it in Niall's basket.

"I don't like asparagus." Niall blinks at his basket then back up at Harry with a look. 

"Put it in the oven, olive oil, pepper, and parmesan cheese. You’ll like it. I'll see you at the engagement party, right. Next week? Maybe we can chat more then?"

"I- maybe." Niall answers. "Bye Haz." 

"Later, Ni." He can't help but watch as he walks away to do the rest of his shopping. And Harry can't stop himself from looking for him down the other aisles, but he doesn't end up seeing him again.

It's been just over a month since Harry came back. He feels like he can definitely call this progress. 

He leaves the grocery store in higher spirits than when he walked in and he carries that mood with him most of the week. There is plenty going on. He manages to avoid most of Jeff’s phone calls, only taking one, because Christopher Nolan was getting ready to cast his next film and wants to talk to Harry about it. 

But Jeff still wanted to know what the plan was for Niall and Harry finally just told him to leave it alone and it’s none of his business. 

“We need to have a plan Harry, especially since a much more recent picture came out of the two of you at the wedding.” 

“We were talking, Jeff, just talking. There is nothing to worry about. There is no story and Niall is to be blacklisted from every interview. My relationships are private and that is not ever going to change.” After that he went back to avoiding his phone calls, maybe not the best way to treat his manager but he’s on break and he doesn’t want to talk about it. 

To say that Harry is optimistic about the engagement party is an understatement. He can’t wait for it. 

He’s feels like excited, not just for his sister, but because the last conversation that he had with Niall seemed so very promising. 

He gets to the small inn before his sister and mum and works out with the receptionist to pay for his mum, Gemma’s, and then his own room. Then he makes a request to put him near Niall Horan, because he’s the brother of the bride and that’s the best man, of course they know each other. The girl behind the desk doesn’t even bat an eyelash as she handles the special requests; she does however refuse to give out what Niall’s room number will be and she seems to be immune to his charm. But hey you can’t win everything. 

After that he heads to the small event room that opens to the rose gardens, Carolyn, the owner, is there setting everything up. She seems to have everything under control. She’s far too talkative for Harry’s liking and when Gemma finally arrives he makes a swift exit to head to his room to get ready. When he looks out to the parking lot he can see Niall’s BMW, so he must have arrived when he was talking to Carolyn. 

When he gets to his room he changes into black skinny jeans, tight as he normally tends to wear them, light blue shirt with a small barely there fleur de lis pattern, buttoned just up past his navel, and a light black suit jacket. He wants to look good… what he really wants is to look irresistible- but only to Niall. He wants Niall’s eyes on him all night because being the center of Niall’s attention has always been the best feeling in the world- and he wants it back, wants that feeling, want Niall to be the center of his world again, even though he kinda already is.

He needs this to be a good night. It’s going to be a good night, he keeps telling himself, it’s going to be a good night, he keeps repeating the mantra and finally heads down to join the party.

\----

Niall paces back and forth in his room in the bed and breakfast, inn, whatever; he doesn’t know what to call this place or how Gemma and the crew found it, but it’s quaint, out of the way, and very very private. The room is nice spacious, plenty of room for nervous pacing. And there are lots of things to look at, a magazine here, a menu there, a ceiling fan on the vaulted ceiling to stare at…there are lots of distractions in this room. 

He’s been putting off thinking about it, but he had said that he would see Harry here. He couldn’t avoid him like he did, or tried to at the wedding. There was no seating arrangement, just music, dinner, and dancing. They were all here celebrating Thomas and Gemma’s upcoming nuptials. And it was a small event, much smaller than the wedding. On the plus side there would be a lot more people that he knew here, but a lot of those people also knew about him and Harry. They would be looking at him, at them.

But he knew for certain that this time Harry would seek him out. He was going to look for him, talk to him, and he promised Louis that he would be nice. He’d tried when he saw him at the grocery store. He’d had to talk himself out of walking away at the Waitrose. Harry hadn’t seen him, he could escape, no one would even know.. But he knew that Louis had some valid points, he needed to bend just a little bit. He was honest the last time they spoke, they couldn’t keep doing this. It wasn’t healthy to keep fighting about something almost four years past that they couldn’t change. 

He changes into his casual grey checkered suit with a white button up shirt and slips on his shoes and glasses. The party started 10 minutes ago but knowing the Styles-Twist family, the party would go far into the night. He checks the mirror one more time and he can’t help but wonder what Harry will think of the sharp grey suit. He thinks he looks good and he feels good, so that’s all that counts right? It doesn’t matter what Harry thinks, but even as he thinks it he knows it’s a lie. He’s always cared what Harry thinks, even back when they were kids. 

He makes his way down, taking deep breathes to calm his stomach. Harry shouldn’t still do this to him, shouldn’t still give him butterflies, but he does. But Niall handled it when he was sixteen and he can handle it again now. He’s so much stronger now than he was then.

He finally makes his way into the small ballroom and it only takes seconds for him to hear his name. It’s not Harry however; it’s Lottie, Louis sister, and she is very much a welcome distraction.

“Hey, Lottie,” He opens his arms for a hug and she sinks right in, hugging tight before pulling away. She has grown into quite a beautiful young woman.

“Hi, Ni. So… when are you going to introduce me to my future husband?” She smiles at him, blue eyes bright and alight with mischief.

“I’m sorry?” He stutters but Lottie just laughs at him. 

“Well, you introduced Gemma to Thomas, Cheryl and Liam met again at one of your parties, so when is it my turn?” Niall barks out a laugh.

“Oi, Lots, I am anything but a matchmaker. I think you need to look at somebody else for that.” He looks up from Lottie when he feels someone watching him. He glances to the left and sure as anything, there is Harry. He looks devilishly handsome in his casual suit and when he makes eye contact with him, Harry offers him a shy smile. He smiles slightly back before Lottie steals his attention back.

She, along with Louis, keeps him company most of the night. They don’t know Thomas’ friends or family very well, so Niall makes introductions, and normally they would hang out with Liam and Cheryl, but they were enjoying their honeymoon far away from here. 

It isn’t until after the evening meal and dessert is served, that Niall notices her. She keeps hanging around Harry and they talk low in whispers. She’s dressed her shapely body in a skin tight black dress and as her and Harry talk her hand is on his arm, or his hand. Harry does nothing to dislodge her.

It hurts to see them together. 

Part of him knew that Harry maybe wasn’t completely serious about the extent of this rebuilding process. He did want to be friends, of that he had no doubt. He was sorry and Niall has forgiven him, but there wasn’t anyway he could keep his interest competing with supermodels and the like. It wasn’t like he seriously thinking of saying yes if Harry asked him out again anyway, but it does feel a bit like salt in a wound to see him with a ‘date’ here. 

He can’t help but keep track of them now. His eyes following her, he recognizes the jealousy, knows he has no right to be jealous. He has turned down Harry’s multiple attempts to reach out, to connect. He has no right to be jealous of this obviously beautiful girl that is interested in him, and he seems to be interested in as well. So much so that she has his attention most of the night. 

It’s obvious to him now that he has nothing to worry about. Even as he was preparing himself for how to handle it, how to handle a Harry as a friend, he doesn’t have to worry. Maybe Niall had over thought it. He was thinking Harry wanted to go back to as close as they were before, maybe he just wants to be friend like acquaintances, where you only see each other two to three times a year and you don’t talk regularly. He just said he wanted Niall back in his life; maybe he just brought up the date thing to get a reaction. He always loved getting a reaction out Niall, though more often or not he was aiming for laughter.

Niall has obviously been stressing for nothing. He had jumped to conclusions and over thought everything as he as the tendency to do. And he should be relieved but he’s not and fuck, his head hurts already. 

The dancing is just about to get started, when he finally corners Gemma and Thomas. He greets them both with hugs, smiling.

“This is a great night.” He tells them, smiling, the two of them are glowing, surrounded by their friends and family. “It’s like a mini wedding reception.” 

“It is! I’m having so much fun!” Gemma smiles, her hand clasped tightly in Thomas. 

“Are you heading to your room?” Thomas asks, he obviously noticed the glances he keeps sending to the main entrance.

“Yeah, think I’m going to head up to my room for a bit, grab something for the headache.” He reaches up and taps his temple, it’s as good as excuse as any and really no one will notice if he doesn’t come back. The thought is bitter as he once again catches Harry and the blond girl talking, heads ducked low together. 

“Are you ok bug?” Gemma asks, she reaches up and places a cool hand on his cheek. The nick-name soothes him, one she uses for both him and Harry. He looks her in the eye; he knows he’s a horrible liar so he goes with truth. 

“I will be.” He offers her a smile and she smiles back, but he can tell she’s also concerned.

“Okay, see you back in a bit then.” Her hand dropping to squeeze his hand before letting him go completely.

“Yeah,” He makes his escape, heading up the stairs at the end of the hall, up to the second floor, then walking towards his room. Part of him is debating about heading home tonight. He got a room just in case he drank too much, but after he saw them together he couldn’t stomach much of anything, drinks or food. Even now he felt a little nauseous just thinking about them.

It was stupid, stupid, stupid, thinking that Harry may really be interested in boring ol’ Niall when he has so many other options. It was humbling, amazing to think that the Harry Styles was interested in him again and he doesn’t even know why he let himself think it. God, he's been dating actresses, singers, and supermodels. Niall could never compare, they could never fit like they used to. 

It was even more ridiculous getting jealous over this. Why could Harry draw these emotions out when no one else could? He never got jealous, ever. And this- he really does have absolutely no reason to be jealous; Harry’s not his. He doesn’t want Harry to be his, he reminds himself. 

“Niall!” His spine shoots up straight when he hears Harry call for him -along with faster than normal steps. Was he running? He was almost to his room; he’s standing right in front of the door, number 12, key in hand. He almost didn’t have to deal with this at all. Truce, he reminds himself, don’t be rude, he is going to try.

“Hey,” He turns with a small smile, similar to the one he offered him earlier tonight, now instead of nervousness it’s tinged with a bit of sadness. Harry skids to a stop in front of him.

“Are you okay? Gems said you weren’t feeling well.” He put his hands into his pockets and rocks back on his heels, his toes are pointed inward towards each other and when Niall looks up Harry shoulders are tense.

“Yeah, it’s just a headache. I’ll take some aspirin and I’ll be fine. You’re busy, go have a good time.” Niall shoos his hand back to the end of the hall where Harry came from. He must have raced up the stairs to get here. Niall can hear his breathing a little more stressed than normal.

“I don’t know why I’m so busy. Carolyn just won’t leave me alone,” He sounds aggravated, “Gemma planned the party, talk to her about it not me.” Harry looks away a little frustrated running his hand through his hair dislodging the gel so loose strands fall into his face. How can he still be so ridiculously handsome?

“Huh?” Niall asks confused, his head is really starting to hurt and his stomach is still tied up in knots and he really doesn’t want to be here anymore. Why does he keep getting into these situations? What has he done in his past lives to have karma like this?

“Carolyn, the owner of the inn and restaurant, she keeps asking me all these questions about the DJ, and deserts, and times, and I keep telling her to talk to Gems but she keeps finding me instead.” At this Niall can’t help but laugh, because it seems this hasn’t changed at all. Harry is still oblivious to the effect that he has on people.

“Harry, she wants to shag you, preferably tonight.” Niall’s smile disappears as he says it and Harry looks as him a little bit sharper, green eyes calculating. God dammit, Harry knows exactly what’s going on in Niall’s head.

“Is that what you thought was going to happen?” His voice is rough and a little hurt and it makes Niall want to take a step back but he can’t so instead he tries to relax and leans against his door behind him instead.

“It doesn’t matter what I thought was going to happen.” Is what he ends up saying but it’s as much as an admittance than anything. And Harry takes it that way, because he is quickly learning that Harry was right. They still know each other. 

“You did?” Harry looks disappointed. “Is that why you left?”

“Kinda.” Niall doesn’t really know what else to say. 

“Niall I don’t want to go with her…” Niall interrupts before he can even finish more of that sentence.

“I just don’t know how to act around you. Like -it shouldn’t matter to me if you want to shag her or not, but it does and I don’t like it.” It’s out of his mouth before he can even really process what he said, but it’s the truth. And, fuck, he should have just kept his mouth shut.

Harry steps right into his space, green eyes locked on his not letting him look away. He places his hands, slowly, carefully on the sides of his neck. Niall’s skin instantly feels overheated by his touch. He can feel his heart beat pick up and his breath catch.

“If I’m going to leave this party with anyone, it’s you, only you.” He can’t help it, his eyes flutter shut, because it was exactly what he needed to hear even if he didn’t know it. “I know you aren’t invested in this yet, but I am, I’m invested in you, in us. Please don’t give up on me before we even start trying.” His voice is warm and close, he can feel Harry’s warm breath on his lips.

“Don’t, don’t – just don’t kiss – don’t touch me. I- no.” He’s stuttering his voice is shaking as he says it but he can’t- not yet. He’s not ready for this yet. He pulls his hands away from the door behind him and sets them on Harry’s waist, those stubborn love handles that he has yet to get rid of. It’s somewhat of a comfort that they are still there. 

He goes to push him away but instead his hands clench in tight, holding the other boy still. He feels Harry’s forehead drop down to his, his thumbs stroking up and down his neck. 

“I won’t,” But he presses a kiss to his forehead as he pulls him in, holds him tight, making Niall’s arms wrap around to clasp around his waist. Niall’s mind blanks and instead of fighting, kicking and screaming, he tucks his head into his neck and breathes deep. He can feel Harry’s heart beat in his chest, his heart is racing too and while it’s just a hug it feels so much more important than that. “I know you don’t trust me.” Harry’s voice is soft, whispered into his ear causing a small shiver to race down his spine, “But while there is even a ghost of a chance…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, probably because Niall is pulling away. It’s too comfortable here in Harry’s arms and it’s too easy to get lost, to get confused.

“Okay, Okay,” Niall whispers as he pulls away. This obviously isn’t working. They are going to have to figure something out, because right now every interaction between them feels emotional and raw and Niall doesn’t have all the answers but he knows that something has to change. 

“Okay what?” Harry asks as he lets Niall pull away from him, but he’s not letting go of Niall completely. His hands have moved down his arms, one grabs onto his wrist while the other drops to his waist, fingers tangling in an empty belt loop.

“Okay, we’ll talk; we’ll fill each other in on the past few years. We’ll see if we can be friends again.” Because this obviously isn’t working, this feeling of having his emotions scraped raw every time he sees Harry is worse than just pretending like the other doesn’t exist. 

“Just friends?” Harry asks and those green eyes are bight and hopeful.

“Fuck, Haz, don’t push your luck.” Niall laughs, it tears out of his chest and it feels like his first laugh in ages, and Harry’s face is bright, joyful that he was the one to do it. The tightness in his chest is starting to loosen and the headache that he had is gone. He can’t help but wonder if he imagined it just to be able to get the hell out of there. 

“Do you want to go back to the party?” Niall doesn’t really know how to answer that and Harry must pick up on that so instead he offers, “Do you want to go to the garden instead? We can start there.”

Niall nods at that and Harry grabs his hand and leads him down the stairs, away from the party, and into the back kitchen. The staff wave at them as they pass through, obviously recognizing Harry from the party planning and earlier this evening. When he gets to the cooler he grabs a bottle of champagne and two glasses and they end up avoiding everyone as they find an empty bench in a dark section of the garden. Niall watches with wide eyes as Harry opens the bottle. He remembers being mesmerized by his hands when they were younger. Remembered moving those fingers to try to teach him how to play guitar, did someone else finally teach him? 

“This will make it a little easier, yeah?” He asks unsure as he hands Niall a champagne flute. And he snaps out of his thoughts. In all his years of knowing Harry, he rarely seems unconfident, tentative like he is now.

“Yeah, probably.” He takes a quick drink and then downs the rest of it. He looks to Harry for a refill. 

“I’m nervous now.” Harry shares with him, sipping his own champagne.

“Where do we start?” Niall asks.

“How should I know?” Harry questions back, those large green wide.

“Hey, this is your plan.” Niall counters, the corners of his lips tipping up. “I’m just along for the ride.”

“Okay then,” he puts the champagne bottle on the ground, then runs a hand through his hair making the curls fall around his ears and across his forehead. He fights the urge to smooth them away, “let’s start with how Thomas and Gemma met.” They start with light topics, Thomas and Gemma, Theo’s birthdays, Anne and Robin’s vacation, Liam’s wedding, Freddie’s birthday. It takes a second bottle of champagne to move onto some of the other topics, Harry’s first album, Niall quitting college to play golf, Harry’s movie, and Niall’s car accident. It’s easy to listen to Harry, harder to talk about the somewhat important things, the things Harry missed. More and more he thinks he's not ready for this, but the champagne soothes those nerves make the words come out a bit easier. Harry was smart to grab it. 

“I wanted to call, but your number had changed. I was a mess when I heard the news. I couldn’t image a world without you in.” Harry shares with him after the talk about his accident, why he had to quit golf, the minor nerve damage in his hand, but the comment warms Niall’s heart, even though it shouldn’t. Right?

When they crack the third bottle the conversation isn’t really making much sense anymore. Harry has always been a lightweight and Niall isn’t used to getting drunk off champagne. There is just more and more laughter over little things like the first time Liam got drunk and the fact that Louis is a dad, and the graduation party they both have very little recollection of. 

It’s Anne that finds them at almost two in the morning, drunk on champagne as they ‘whisper’ back and forth. They’ve given up sitting on the bench and instead they are lying flat on the ground staring up at the clear sky, every once in a while sitting up to take a drink straight out of the bottle. 

Somehow Niall started talking about the stars, pointing out all the constellations even though Harry can never really see them. But he keeps speaking because Harry keeps asking questions and his body is warm besides his and he wants to keep it there. 

They don’t even notice her until she finally speaks. “Boys- it’s time for bed. The party’s over.” 

Niall sits up sharply equilibrium shifting making his head spin, but Harry just smiles, “Hi Mummy.”

“Hi, Anne, sorry,” And he shakes his head trying to get rid of some of the fogginess, “sorry are we too loud?” And Anne laughs at him.

“Oh, Niall baby, you aren’t in trouble.” She offers a hand up to both of them and they lean into each other trying to keep balance. “Why don’t you guys head to bed, hmm?” She suggests. 

“That’s sounds like a good idea.” Niall replies back to her and she nods before turning away, looking back over her shoulder as she walks away. She looks incredibly fond and Niall knows what she’s thinking. He looks over to Harry, “We should go to bed. It’s late.” Harry grabs his hand and Niall lets him. Slowly they start to lead each other back to the inn. Niall is unquestionably less drunk than Harry, so he trades place with him, leading the clumsy lanky boy back to the door

“Bed.” Harry hmms, bumping into Niall when he stops to pull the door open and he reaches his right arm around him to hold himself up. Niall straightens up a bit.

“Separately,” Niall reiterates.

“Of course! What do you take me for? A slag?” Harry asks horrified, or at least he tries but he ends in a laugh. Niall has to focus as he leads him up the stairs. 

“What room are you in?” Niall asks approaching his own. 

“The one next to yours.” Harry has always been a clingy drunk, so it doesn’t surprise Niall that it’s hard to get that arm from around his waist. 

“Is this it?” Niall stops at the room before his and Harry nods into his shoulder. 

“We didn’t talk about your tattoo.” Harry whispers soft, like it’s a secret.

“We can talk about it later.” Niall tells him, now that bed has been decided on; he really wants to get in his own. His brain is getting foggy as it finally catches up with him how sleepy he is, how long this night has been. Sometimes the emotional exhaustion is worse than the physical exhaustion and this is one of those times, it’s been a night of highs and lows.

“Or the songs you wrote for me.” It takes Niall a minute to cotton on to that but he reaches for the key Harry gives him, so that he can open the door. So he does know? Niall wonders how he figured it out, but even more wonders what it says that Harry knew and recorded them anyway.

“We can talk about that later too.” He makes sure to talk softly, knowing others are asleep already.

“Promise?” Harry asks, turning Niall, before he can get his door open to hug him close. Niall wraps his arms around him, rubs both his hands up and down his back. There really is only one way to deal with a drunk Harry, gentle cuddles usually worked the best. 

“Yes, promise.” He finally gets turned around and Harry’s door open and the other boy walks past him into the room but before he closes the door he gives Niall a steady look, misleading considering Niall knows how much the other boy has consumed this evening.

“Thank you,” Its accompanied by a kiss to his cheek. Harry looks tired, soft around the edges, but happy, something that even Niall can recognize that he hasn’t seen in a while, even with the fan and paparazzi shots that show up from time to time. 

“You’re welcome, good night Haz.”

“Good night Ni,” Harry closes the door and Niall moves to his own room, he grabs a water bottle, chugging it down, with aspirin, before he strips down to just his pants then drops down to mattress, pulling the sheets up, he’s out before he knows it.

When he wakes in the morning, sunlight is streaming in through the window and Anne is knocking on his door. 

“Breakfast in 15 minutes, boys.” He’s up quick, opening the door through the chain, letting her know that he’s awake.

“Thanks, Anne, I’ll be there.” He’s about to close the door when she asks.

“How’s my boy?” Niall fights the urge to blush, because is she really implying that Harry’s in his room? Really?

“I have no idea,” He tilts his head to the room beside him, “Hopefully he drank some water before he passed out.”

Anne raises a brow, like she doesn’t believe him, so he closes the door, unhooks the chain and opens the door showing her that the room is empty except for him. She doesn’t look abashed however.

“It was good to see you boys together last night. He’s always at his best when he’s with you.” Anne tells him.

“We’ll see how it goes?” Niall shrugs his shoulders, running his hands through his hair trying to figure out if he has awful bed head. He’s completely comfortable around Anne, much like his own mum, proven in the fact that he is standing in the doorway in just his pants.

“Thank you Niall. I know you didn’t have to give him a chance, to let him back in.” And this was what he wanted to avoid… all the hope that he saw in other people’s eyes. The way they all wanted it to back to the way it used to be. But that would be impossible

“I’m not making any promises, other than to talk to him. That’s it.” He tells her. He knows that other people are invested in their relationship. Always have been, their families and friends are too close that it effected everyone when they broke up. 

“That a start. It may go nowhere or it may go somewhere, all that matters is you gave both of you the chance to find out.” And she’s right. Just talking with Harry last night released some of the negativity and the pain from before. It’s not like it’s gone now- not really- but it’s like released, maybe finally he really is moving on. He knows they will have to talk about it, really talk about it, but maybe they can have a few more conversations like last night before they do. 

“I’ll see you at breakfast.” She smiles and nods before moving onto Harry’s door. He can hear her knock and say something. He can also hear Harry’s groan.

He laughs.

He showers and is down to breakfast just before its being served. He joins Lottie and Louis at their mostly empty table. They made plenty of friends last night, but this morning they looked a little worse for wear. 

“Hey Ni, where did you disappear to last night?” Louis asks digging in. They had requested a full Irish breakfast this morning and the plates being distributed were full of bangers, rashers, pudding, beans, toast, eggs and soda bread. Niall was looking forward to it. But he did request some fruit, oatmeal, and yogurt, from the server making rounds. He wasn’t used to this heavy of breakfast anymore and he was sure that with Harry coming back from the States he wasn’t either.

“Uh, I went to my room to grab some aspirin and then ended up in the garden for a bit.” He tells them. He grabs the water from the center of the table, pouring himself a glass. Louis passes him the hot water kettle so he can also start his tea. 

“Alone?” Lottie asks, but she’s not really paying attention, instead putting beans on her toast. When he doesn’t really answer, both the siblings look up.

“Alone?” Louis asks before looking back down to add the milk into his tea.  
“Uh, no, I was with Harry.” He’s adding sugar to his own tea as he says it, keeping his eyes down focused on his plate. He feels pretty good for the amount he drank last night, glad that he had chugged down that water before he went to bed.

“What?” It’s Lottie that asks but when Niall looks up both of them are back staring at him, matching blue eyes wide. 

“What?” He asks trying to focus on breakfast instead.

“You went with Harry?” Louis asks, putting his silverware down to focus on his friend, blue eyes shrewd and Lottie looks on.

“You’re the one that told me to be nice. To talk to him and stuff.” Niall points out.

“Yeah, I just didn’t expect you to do it so quick.”

“We talked for a couple hours, Lou, it’s not like we’ve become best mates again.” Niall laughs, out of the corner of his eye, he catches Harry sneaking in. He’s dressed in black jeans and a black top, usually it makes him look tan but today he looks just a little pale and a lot hung-over. Niall’s guessing his tolerance hasn’t really gotten much better in the years they’ve been apart. Harry catches his eye after scanning the room and then he is making his way over. 

“But you talked, and didn’t yell and didn’t tell him what a twat or an arse he was?” Niall grabs the water pitcher and fills the glass next to him right as Harry sits down. Harry doesn’t hear Louis, either that or he ignores him. He then grabs the two aspirin from his pocket that he brought down from his room and puts them Harry’s bread plate.

“You’re absolutely amazing.” Harry sighs as he takes the pills and downs most of his water, refilling the glass himself this time. 

“No one died.” Is what Niall tells Louis, with a roll of his eyes.

“Are you sure? I think I may have? Maybe I’m in an alternate reality.” Louis does look a little shocked; Lottie however has processed it a little more quickly and is much sweeter than her brother.

“Don’t be a dick, Lou. It’s not like they are magically back together. It was a conversation.” She winks at Niall but looks between Niall and Harry a little questioningly.

Niall finally looks over at Harry as the server puts down the full plate of Irish breakfast. He notices Harry pale even more as the large, somewhat greasy meal is put in front of him. Niall pushes the plate out of Harry’s way, moving the fruit and yogurt that he had requested earlier in front of the other boy. 

“Eat.” He orders and Harry looks at him gratefully green eyes shining. “I requested oatmeal too, but it’s not here yet.” 

“Thank you,” Harry sends a brilliant smile his way before digging into his much lighter breakfast.

When he looks back, Lottie and Louis are sharing a look before staring back at Niall.

“What?” He asks, his tea has finally cooled down so that he can drink it without burning his tongue, he goes that route because the tables feels a little weird now.

“Mate, that’s just fuckin’ strange.” Lou tells both of them before taking a few more bites.

“What?” Harry’s the one to ask this time.

“And you say you don’t know each other?” Louis asks, “You literally knew he was going to be hung over, so you brought aspirin, you knew he was going to sit there so you poured his water and ordered him a lighter breakfast. Like how the fuck did you know that?” It seems like a genuine question. 

Niall finds himself looking back at Harry, who just shrugs his shoulders as the oatmeal is brought to the table. Harry puts some of the berries in it and digs in. He’s starting to get a little bit more color around his face.

“It’s not rocket science, Lou, we talked last night. So I knew that he drank champagne and he’s a light-weight. Of course he would have a headache. He doesn’t like taking pills so he doesn’t buy them even when he needs them. And the only time he eats a full breakfast is if Anne makes it. You should know these things too. And as for sitting here, there is only one other partially empty table it and Harry doesn’t know Thomas’ cousins yet.”

“He’s right.” Harry tells the table. Anne sits down next to him and picks at the bangers off the plate that Harry’s not eating. He falls into conversation with his mum about something and Niall does his best to ignore it. 

“Is it weird? I mean you would do that for me, right?” Niall queries, raising a brow at the other boy.

“Fuck no mate, I would watch you suffer and laugh at your agony.” Niall balks as Louis looks completely serious. He turns to Lottie.

“Your brother is a horrible human being. Will you talk to me instead?” She laughs but takes the bait. 

And maybe Louis was right, it was a little strange.

But maybe Harry was right too, they still do know each other. At least more than he thought anyway. But Niall just can't help but think that just creates more problems than solves them. 

They’re finally done with breakfast when Gemma stops all the chatter, clinking her knife against her glass grabbing everyone’s attention. “Thomas and I want to thank everyone for coming and celebrating with us last night. We had fun and I hope you did as well...” She continues to speak but Niall’s attention is quickly pulled away when Harry lays a hand on his thigh. He looks at him sharply and Harry is quick to pull his hand away.

“Sorry!” Harry puts his hands up and bites his lip, a nervous habit Niall remembers well.

“No, it’s okay, I think, you just surprised me,” He shakes his head, “what did you want?” He does his best to make sure it doesn’t come out rude or sharp, without the champagne it seems like that is almost a default setting for Harry. But he knows that this feels fragile, this truce they’ve got going on, but at least it doesn’t feel like he’s pulling his heart apart by sitting here talking to Harry. That’s progress… right? 

“When can we…” Harry stops what he’s saying when he realizes that he has the attention of the whole table. He leans in a little closer to Niall, so he does the same. “Can we talk privately before you leave?” He finishes in a whisper as Gemma spots them. She's finished her speech and is making her way around the room giving thanks and hugs. Her eyes widen as soon as she sees them tucked together and she immediately changes her direction.

“Yeah, but I’m on a tight schedule. I fly out this afternoon for the States.” For some reason, he’s glad that Harry looks disappointed. 

“Okay, yeah, I’ll just meet you up at your room and we can talk for a bit before you go?” Harry’s eyes are pleading with and Niall finds it hard, now that he’s lowered his defenses to not just give him everything, but that won’t solve anything either.

“Well this table looks like trouble.” Gemma hugs Lottie first as the other girl makes her escape with Anne to be introduced to some of Thomas’ family, leaving just the boys and the future bride at the table. 

“Not trouble, trust me we are all too tired for that.” Niall tells her, standing, he’s finished breakfast and he really does need to pack and get on his way. “And I need to head out. Congratulations Gems, I’m so happy for both of you.” He hugs her close.

“Thank you, get outta here; I’ll see you in a couple months. You still owe me dinner.” She smiles referring to the comment he made at the wedding.

“Yes,” He laughs pressing a kiss against her cheek. He pushes his chair back in, pats Louis on the shoulder with a ‘catch you later’ and says bye to Anne, Robin, Thomas, and Lottie on the other side of the room before escaping. 

Once he’s out of the room he can’t help but release a sigh of tension. Already he can feel other people’s expectations, other people’s hope. But he is still not so hopeful… now his fear is that he and Harry can’t be friends. He’s really starting to think there may be too much history for that. And there are a lot of other people involved in this. He meant what he said to Liam, he doesn’t want his friends, their friends, to have to choose between the two of them. And they never had to when they lived countries apart, but now apparently they live about half a kilometer apart and that makes everything different.

The good news is that he has almost two months away from this mess. He is off to the States for the end of the PGA tour and while he could come back, it would only be for two to three days at a time and he learned the first year he did this that the jet lag wasn’t worth it. 

He is all packed up by the time there is a knock on the door. He wipes his sweaty palms on his shorts before checking himself out in the mirror. He’s looks ok. Khaki shorts and a white top, snapback pulled low on his head. He opens the door, letting Harry in, closing it softly as the curly haired lad walks into the room. He takes a couple of steps in but leaves plenty of distance between the two of them.

“You weren’t kidding; you really need to book it, huh?” Harry pulls at his lower lip as he stands in the room awkwardly, feet facing inward, shoulders hunched slightly. 

“Yeah, my flight leaves at 4:00.” He nods and for some reason this feels more uncomfortable than just moments ago down stairs. It feels even overwrought than any of the conversations that they have had so far.

“Uh, thanks for the aspirin.” Harry rocks back on his heels before settling back in, waiting for Niall to say something.

“You’re welcome. I know how you are –were- about pills.”

“Yeah, I’m still the same, I just don’t like taking a pill to fix things, ya know?” He has his hand behind his neck now, rubbing self-consciously.

“I know.” Niall pauses and its back to awkward, he still at a loss of what to say or where to start. With the champagne in their system last night, they had no issues asking questions, making conversation. Granted none of the conversation was too heavy or emotion and this moment right now feels charged with a different kind of energy.

“So, uh, when can I see you again?” Niall raises brow, realizes that Harry can’t really see him with the snapback on.

“Huh?” is what is asks instead of taking it off. He doesn’t really want Harry to be able to read his expressions, know what he’s thinking. He used to be able to read Niall so well it was scary sometimes. He worries because he’s proven that its true.

“You said that we could talk about your tattoo and your song writing later. We still have lots to talk about. You promised.” Harry looks like he’s fighting off a pout, knowing that Niall never really fell for that anyway.

“Yes, I did, and we can, but I’m gone for the next couple months. The PGA is touring through the States and I won’t be back until the end of September.” Niall breaks the news to him. Harry looks annoyed, huffing out a breath as he looks around the room.

“Can I get your mobile number?” Harry asks, finally looking back at him.

“Are either of those conversations ones that you want to have over the phone with me?” At Harry’s negative head shake he continues, “I think it may be best that we maybe just wait until I get back. I have your number and I can call you when I get back and settled.” 

“Okay,” Harry must understand where Niall is coming from because he doesn’t fight him on it. But the good news is it will provide some distance. Maybe these last few weeks of running into each other won’t feel as immense when they go two months without having to worry about interacting. But Harry just looks sad. Like Niall told him he was giving him the stars then told him no last minute.

“Hey, don’t be like that.” He takes a couple steps closer, pulls Harry’s gaze from the floor where it was locked. “It’s been almost four years, what’s another two months? Besides it’s not like we can solve this tomorrow or the next day or ever even. We don’t know.” And really that doesn’t sound very comforting at all, if Harry’s response is anything to go by. He takes a couple steps towards Niall. If he didn’t know him better he would say it was almost to intimidate him. He’s close enough now that Niall has to look up from under his snapback to see him

“Don’t you dare talk yourself out of it.” Harry growls low and Niall wants to take a step back, but he doesn’t because this is Harry and he would never lay a hand on him in anger.

“What do you mean?”

“Trust me; I know how you are, if you give yourself too much time to think you will think yourself right out of this. I don't know what Lou said or what I said to make you come up to me at Waitrose last week, but you need to remember it.” His voice is low and gravely and it does things to Niall that it really shouldn’t. There is a spark of anger because apparently Harry and Louis talk about him on the regular. He decides to just ignore that. One thing at a time… 

“I’ll be working and way too busy to think about you.” It’s the first excuse that comes to mind.

Harry lets out a cynical laugh, “God, that’s bullshit. You see this as a problem, a fucking puzzle and you never stop thinking ever-” And Niall has to stop him.

“Now that's not true,” Niall snaps back at him, fidgeting with his snapback, until he ends up taking it off and putting it on backwards just so he can see Harry without tilting his head up awkwardly. “And I can think of plenty of times when I didn't think things through enough. Who knows this might be one of those things?”

“C’mon, you can’t be the way you were last night and be like this now. You’re already doing it, you’re already thinking your way out of this. The only way I could ever get you to stop worrying about something was to distract you with food or shagging-” Harry stops there, when he seems to realize what he said. He gives him a somewhat sheepish smile and Niall just rolls his eyes, but he feels his cheeks heat as well. 

This is exactly what he was thinking about earlier- too much history. The more he thought about this the more he was thinking that this wasn’t going to work.

Harry takes a big sigh and rolls his shoulders back before tucking his hands in the back pocket of his jeans. Niall makes a point not to notice how broad it makes his shoulder look.

“Listen, that was not what I meant,” Niall watches with wide eyes as he sighs, “ I don't know what I meant, I only know when you come back you will have a whole ‘nother round of excuses that you’ll end up telling me that we should just ignore each other and we can be civil, or we don’t have to be friends, we don’t have to talk, and so on and so on, but last night was great, just talking to someone who knows me and doesn’t have all these crazy expectations of me. You always just got me and being with you used to be easy and calming and I didn’t have to say anything and you just got it—got me. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s selfish, I know that its crazy, but I want that again.” He’s huffing as he finishes, cheeks flushed, and eyes bright. He looks the same as that eager bright eyed boy that peaked across his fence and asked him why he sounded funny.

“I’m not saying this to be a twat but you threw that away when you told me it was over. You made a decision, granted that you say you regret now, but you still made that decision to give that up.”

“I know that Ni and I know I’m asking a lot…”

“Two months ago you were like a stranger to me. We don’t have a lot to talk about except the past and sometimes there is just too much to get over.”

“Ni, don’t do this, you had fun with me last night, I know you did.” Harry’s eyes are shining and he hopes to God those aren’t tears because he used to know how to deal with that but he doesn’t anymore. 

“I did, but I can’t just forget that you just threw me aside. And I don’t want your apologies, I get it, everyone should chase their dreams but I think…” Harry walks forward and places his hand right over Niall’s mouth. He brings one hand up to wrap around the tattooed wrist but he instantly stops talking. 

“Stop it—just stop thinking. I know that it’s a lot to ask that you forgive me. I know that you risked a lot by walking up to me in Waitrose, putting yourself out there when you didn’t need to. I know that last night was a little painful, but how do you feel now? Better right?” Niall can taste the salt of Harry’s sweat on his palm and he nods slow and pulls at Harry’s wrist, pulling his hand away.

“I’ve forgiven you a long time ago. It’s just not an easy thing to forget. It’s always there- will always be there- and it shaped our lives. We wouldn’t be who we are today if you hadn’t made the decision that you did.” And he does like his life, he likes who is now, he doesn’t need anyone.

“And I like my life and you like yours, but what if it could be better? What if we could make each other’s life’s better? We did it when we were kids, then teenagers, and yeah as boyfriends. Don’t let the fear get the better of you. Please, I promise I’m not going to hurt you like that again. If this doesn’t work, you really give it a chance and it doesn’t work, I will back off, I will leave you alone and never talk to you again, but for me to do that you have to give it a real, solid chance.” 

Niall can’t stop staring at him. He looks so sincere, so intense, and he knows he’s going to give in. He’s still holding Harry’s wrist in his hand and when he looks down, he still sees those familiar tattoos, the 99p, the clover, the anchor and he remembers each one. He can feel Harry’s fluttering pulse under his fingers and he tightens his hold before forcing himself to let go. It was the first time Harry really recognized hurting him, promised not to do it again.

“You can’t promise you won’t hurt me.” He looks back up and now he’s wishing he could turn his snapback back around because he wants to hide from the soft, tender look on Harry’s face. But that would be obvious and all things considered he is not a coward.

“Maybe not, but can promise to do everything in my power to try not to. If we can’t rebuild anything, you can have your nothing.” He nods solemnly, reaching a hand out to grab at Niall’s tangle just their fingertips together. It’s a gesture that is heartbreaking in its familiarity.

And he bends, because of course he would always bend for Harry. “Email?” He asks, “I’ll give you my email address.”

“So you can ignore me when you want?” Harry gives a small smile but it brightens up his whole face.

“I’ll be working.” Niall stresses to him. “And we’ll be- like- 7 to 10 hours’ time difference and face it, pet, math was never your strong suit.”

“I’ll take it.” Harry unlocks his phone and hands it over to Niall. The picture on the background is a black and white picture of him, Gemma, and Anne. He pulls his hand away from Harry’s and clicks onto the contacts add his name and email address.

“This doesn’t mean you can email me every day.” There needs to be rules, stipulations. He needs to have a little bit of control in this situation.

“I won’t.” Niall looks up from Harry’s phone to see him nod. His smile is getting wider.

“That doesn’t mean every other day either.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t even know what you are going to email me about.” He shakes his head as he finished, handing Harry back his phone. 

“I’ll find something to talk to you about as long as you take the time to reply.” Harry tells him. And he hasn’t stopped smiling. Not yet.

“And no like funny videos or memes or shit like that.”

“But what if I want to make you laugh, you know some of those things are really funny. Oh, I can send you jokes.” And Niall just barks out a laugh because, no, his jokes are awful.

“No, you’re jokes are really only funny in person.” Probably because watching him crack up over his own jokes is the best part. God- how can they go from stupid crazy nervous to talking about this? 

“I love your laugh,” Harry blurts out and this time he doesn’t look bashful or shy about it. 

“Haz,” It comes out soft and way too affectionate and he just doesn’t know what to say, so he stops there. 

“I know, I know.” Harry holds up both his hands in an appeasing gesture. “I have your email, I won’t send you junk, and everything will be personally typed out by me. You won’t over think anything and come up with more excuses and I will see you at the end of September.” He still has a small smile on his face.

“October 2nd actually is when I fly back. Then I’m done for the year, mostly.”

“Okay, October then?” He takes a couple steps, stops and stares at him. Niall can’t look away.

“Yes, October.”

“And you’ll call?”

“I’ll call when I get back.” He huffs on a laugh. 

“Okay, I’m gonna go then.” Harry points to the door and then starts to walk that way. When he opens the door he looks over his shoulder to look back at Niall. “See you soon.”

“Yeah, see you soon.” As soon as Harry closes the door he walks to the bed and sits down on the edge, drops his head into his hands, taking a deep breathe. He can’t help it; he’s shaking a little bit.

“What the fuck did I just get myself into?” He ends up asking the empty room. All he gets is a beep from his phone telling him his flight is still on time. 

He needs to go, and he will just as soon as he’s sure his legs will hold him. 

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liked this chapter? Tell me about it, leave a comment or kudos here or you can find me on tumblr. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter Three

So the email isn't working out as well as Harry would have hoped. Niall isn't quick to respond, nor does he seem very eager in his responses. The first time he emails, he waits almost a week for his response. And his responses are short and to the point and he knows that Niall spent time crafting that response, carefully picking every word to make sure that Harry couldn't read into his response the wrong way. Nothing like the last conversations where Niall had smiled a little, laughed a little and called him pet. Harry would always be Niall’s ‘pet.’

The first couple emails he sent were short, pleasant and when that didn’t work he went with flirty and fun and now he’s to just short communications that consist of what he did with his time and what is Niall doing? He’s trying to not put stress on Niall but he really doesn’t feel like he’s holding up his end of the dean.

So as it keeps happening over the next two weeks he finally gives up and calls in the reinforcements.

He ends up taking Louis and Liam out for drinks on a Tuesday night, then proceeds to vent to the both of them, hoping for some type of insight, since they’ve both been closer to Niall the past few years. They both look at each other, communicating in the silence, and then they look back to the green eyed pop star.

“So we can't really tell you for sure like why he's being so…”Louis starts but he's interrupted by Liam.

“Listen, H. He just doesn’t want to lead you on that’s all.” Is what Liam ends up telling him.

“How the hell do you know that?” Louis turns and glares at his best mate.

“Well maybe if you didn’t try to weasel all the information out of Niall he wouldn’t call me all pissed. Of course he’s not going to talk to you he knows you’re on Harry’s side.” Liam counters.

“There are not really sides you know?” Is what Harry ends with but the other two boys continued to bickering back and forth and Harry doesn’t really worry because he knows that it’s just fun for them.

But it does make sense that Niall is so worried about saying something that might lead Harry to hope for an optimistic return. He gets that he really does. But after dealing with it the first three weeks he ends up just sending Niall an email and all it says is _you promised_.

Amazingly it’s the one email that he gets the quickest response to. It’s only a couple hours later that he gets a short email just saying _I just don't know what to say_.

Harry responds with, _anything_. And after that things seem to get better, well maybe not better, but easier. The responses come quicker, sometimes even the same day and Harry can tell they are less colored with anxiety. It starts to feel more like a conversation with a person instead of a robot. Niall’s humor and sarcasm starts to come through and that alone feels like a step in the right direction.

He's been reading a script so he ends up telling Niall about it, as well as his studio time and his song writing collaborations. He shares with Niall some different photos of wedding venues and ideas Gemma but otherwise he tries to focus on them. Just focuses on trying to open the lines of communication that have been shut down for years.

He make a point not to email every day because he promised he wouldn’t but then that’s what starts to happen anyway. Harry will send something and with the time difference the Niall will reply overnight so he feels like he can’t ignore it. So then they are emailing everyday but only because it turns into a natural conversation.

He tries his best to give Niall space to breathe. But he doesn’t want Niall thinking that he’s forgetting about him just because he’s away. It doesn’t help that he gets so excited when Niall responds back right away that he can’t help but type out his reply almost instantly. But he knows that he need to be careful, he doesn’t want to be pushy. He knows that he’s walking along a knife edge and he doesn’t want to push Niall the wrong way. It needs to be comfortable for Niall; a slow and steady pace.

Niall could choose to pull away at any moment and walk away from it all, because even though Harry had Niall convinced to give this friendship a ‘chance’ they never really defined what a chance was. In Niall’s mind was this enough? Would he come back as say, ‘we tried but it didn’t work’ because this wasn’t enough of a chance at least not for Harry.

He ends up reading a lot of the articles that Niall publishes. He's wasn't lying when he said that he was going to be busy. He can't help but be curious as to how his job really works but when he sees Niall on camera he looks healthy and happy.

By the time week six Ross around, Niall is very much doing his part and he always replies usually within a few hours but he never really initiates conversations until Harry gets a new email, not one of their massive email chain, and it has in the subject title WTF? and when he first reads it, it doesn’t sink in. So he reads it again, then a third and this time he gets so pissed off his hand is shaking when he dials.

They’ve been through this before, he’s always said his friends, _his relationships_ are off limits.

"Harry." Jeff is curt and blunt when he answers the phone.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? You manage my career not my life." Harry is still in a little bit of disbelief from what he read. He knew that there were a couple current pictures out there of him and Niall, from Liam’s wedding. He knew they were still making the rounds on Twitter, and that he had been away from the media spotlight long enough to know that his fans were clinging to them. But they had no right to approach Niall about it.

"Harry? What are you talking about?" Jeff sounds busy and distracted and while normally Harry loves working with Jeff he hates that he can’t tell how truly pissed off he is.

"Who on our team reached out to Niall?" Is what he finally asks. Someone had reached out to Deo his cousin also his manager apparently, who Harry knows or knew really. He needed to know why it happened. Because Niall may have sounded pissed off in that email, but Harry knew that wasn’t all if it. Niall was _hurt_.

"It was our PR department. He'd said a couple things about you in an interview and pap video. We wanted to make sure that he wasn't degrading your character." Jeff talks smoothly and calmly. "It's my job Harry."

"No its not. He has said nothing that could be taken as degrading. I've seen his interviews, all of them. The only thing he said is the truth."

"The point is that we can't have people out there talking about you like that." Jeff insists. “We just want to train him on what to say.”

"He doesn’t need to be _trained._ The fact of the matter is that he is my friend not just an ex. In case you’re wondering he is the one that just told me about this. And imagine my surprise that I knew nothing. If you have a concern about him you can come to me."

"I have and you have told me it's none of my business." Harry finally has all of Jeff’s attention and he’s glad that he does, because this, _this_ is important.

"And that's exactly right. I can and will handle Niall if he actually needs to be handled. But he doesn't because he is a good person... no he is the best person and he doesn't deserve your harassment." Harry doesn’t even realize that he is almost yelling at the end of it. But it’s enough to have shocked Jeff silent. “Leave him alone or I’m done at the end of my contract.”

“Harry, really? Is he really that important to you? More important than your career?” Jeff finally asks after a long pause.

“I have loved him most of my life, of course he’s important.” There is another long pause and Harry know that something he said is bothering Jeff.

“Is he just a friend?” Jeff finally asks.

“No.” Niall never has and never will be _just a friend_.

“Are you going to tell me to mind my own business?”

“Yes.”

“If he says anything bad about you to the press or paps or anything, I can’t just let it lie. It’s part of why you hired me.”

“Why are you so concerned, you’ve never had this issue before?” And Harry’s right, and he wonders if it’s because most of his past partners are not as easily accessible as Niall is. He’s recognizable on site, but he doesn’t walk around with security or usually have to worry about paps chasing him down.

“Because you’ve never been this serious before.”

“It’s never been Niall before. And I know him, he will never ever say a bad word ever. So you tell the PR department to leave him alone and then we can pretend that this conversation didn’t happen.”

“Promise me this isn’t going to blow up in our faces.”

“You have my word.”

“Fine.” Jeff disconnects with a huff at that. He’s obviously still upset but Harry doesn’t care. He really doesn’t because now he needs to try to explain to Niall what the hell is going on. He decides to send an email with just the words _call me_ and then hopes for the best. Niall has his number and he knows that Niall wants an explanation otherwise he wouldn't have sent the email.

He’d gotten the first email at almost seven at night, but he knew that it was only the afternoon in the States. So he waits and waits and he does his best to keep a lie on his panic. It’s almost eleven before his phone rings with the words UNKNOWN blinking across the screen.

“Hello?” He doesn’t mean for it to come out as a question because he doesn’t know who else it could be, he just _wants_ it to be Niall, wants to be able to explain.

“Hey Haz, it’s me.” It’s the first time in weeks that he’s heard that voice directed to him, it doesn’t matter that he hadn’t heard it for four years prior to July of this year, it’s a comfort to hear now, even if he does sound a little tired and distracted. “What the fuck?” Is what he ends up asking.

“I don’t even know. I didn’t know anything about it Ni. I promise. Apparently Jeff was concerned because people keep asking you about me. Jeff- he’s –he’s my manger,” He can’t really seem to talk smoothly and he hates that Niall knows him well enough to be able to tell that he’s flustered and worried right now. “He thought it was a good idea to have our PR team reach out because- well I don’t fucking know why. But I told them that you would never do anything bad like bad mouth me or my music and movies. But they can’t harass you like that and my contract is up at the end of the year and if they don’t leave you alone then I’m gone and I’m sorry that they thought that was okay, because it’s not, and I, I, fuck Ni…” He just stops talking because what else is there left to say.

“Breathe.” Niall huffs out on a small laugh and Harry finds himself doing it, sucking a great big breath into his lungs before letting it out in a giant sigh. “Okay now?” Niall asks.

“Kinda.” Harry had been pacing around his living room where he’d been watching telly, but now he collapses onto the sofa dropping his head down while keeping the phone to his ear.

“So you didn’t…” Niall doesn’t finish that question, like he doesn’t really know what to say but Harry does know what he’s asking.

“No, I would never, I trust you Niall, and I know that you are not going to do anything, say anything that could hurt me. Because really you already have all the ammo, you have all the history, if you wanted to try to ruin me you could have, years ago.” And Harry knows it’s true, but he has always trusted Niall.

“’cause I was a little surprised by that phone call and it didn’t really seem like something that you would do.” And Harry can feel his lips curving up in a smile, because Niall obviously must somewhat trust him, even if he’s saying he doesn’t, there is definitely a silver lining to this dark cloud.

“No, never, I trust you.” Harry reiterates and this conversation is going so much smoother than he thought. Niall sounded angry in the email but for the most part he seems calm and level headed but that’s just Niall. “How is the tour?” He starts with the easy question, just hoping to get more of Niall’s time and he’s surprised when Niall really starts to talk to him.

“We’re in Lake Forest Illinois right now, hell if I really know where that is. But its sunny, that’s a nice change from London this time a year. Starting to get a lil’ homesick if I’m honest.” He can hear Niall walking, papers shuffling and he knows that he should feel a little guilty about stealing his time, but he doesn’t. He will take as much as Niall’s attention as he can get.

“I’m like that on tour. I made the decision to move back to London almost two years ago realizing that I missed home. But then I had to tour my album and I’d sign on for the movie already and I knew that I had to finish filming it then do the press. It’s a good feeling being home.” Harry tells him, because he can always tell Niall anything and he loves that right now he’s hearing his voice, just not imagining it while reading an email.

“I’m sure touring nine months is a lot different than this but I get it. Anne and Gems love having you back and Tommo won’t shut his gob talking about you, it’s annoying, but I’m glad you came home.” Harry sits up straight because he didn’t just hear what he thought he heard.

“I’m glad to be here. He may have to travel more in the long run, but there is just something about being back. Niall hmms along with his comment.

“I’m also kinda glad this was just a misunderstanding.” Niall throws out. Harry feels the last bit of tension leave his body. Niall’s not going to overthink this or he hopes not anyway.

“It was- I would never, ever send a PR person after you. I was so angry that I threatened them with my contract. Said I would be done after this year.” Harry lets out a laugh because even he can’t believe that he said that, he’s never been one to resort to threats or ultimatums. Niall is silent for a minute before there is just a small huff of laughter.

“Harry you can’t threaten that, not because of me.”

“The hell I can’t. They can’t make decisions for me. And my private life, you being in my private life has nothing to do with business and I can find another manager who respects that.”

“Haz…”

“I don’t care, they overstepped their bounds and I’m not some weak willed child that will just let them run my life. I decide… we decide.” He’s getting a little hot under the collar just thinking about it. It doesn’t help that it brings back memories of his first manager and label and how he felt like they manipulated his trust.

“Well, do you want me to say something different? I’ve just been saying we’ve known each other since we were lads and don’t talk much anymore.” Harry can hear Niall typing can’t help but wonder if he’s checking emails or typing an article or he can only hope that he’s getting ready to send him another email.

“No, that’s fine…” He pauses and decides to maybe push a little since they are actually on the phone and Niall can actually _hear_ his tone of voice, “Or you could just say that we’re friends.”

“I guess I could do that.” Niall gives him after a long pause.

“Or more than friends, I’d be good with that too.” Harry says it on a laugh and it gets exactly the response he wanted. A huffed out _Haz!_ That sounds like it could be a laugh. “I know, I know, don’t push my luck, but this hasn’t been bad right? This email thing or even this phone conversation right?” He waits as Niall again gives him a long pause before sighing.

“No it hasn’t been bad.”

“Or hard?” Harry prompts, smiling.

“No, not too hard either.”

“Once you stopped worrying that I would read into every word you sent.”

“Don’t be an arse.” But he can hear the lightness in his tone. They lose themselves in the conversation the ebb and flow of the words coming easy. It’s almost like no time has passed and they are talking about current things, Harry doing his best not to bring up the past.

“Two weeks, Ni, and you’ll be back.” Harry can’t wait, he really can’t. The last six weeks haven’t been awful, but ever since that show down in Niall’s room at the inn he has had a good feeling. Niall had been considerate, beyond considerate, when he had ordered him a lighter breakfast and had even been prepared with aspirin to combat Harry’s hangover. That was something that ‘boyfriend’ Niall would have done back in the day. Little things like that showed Harry that he was loved. How when he would go the grocery store, Niall would pick up kale even though he hated it, how he would go running with Harry because he wanted both of them to be healthy, how he would let Harry talk him into wearing outrageous shirts and take over their closet and hold Harry while he cried during stupid rom-coms.

“Yes, I do know my own schedule.” He laughs, “And I’ll call you. Maybe not the exact second I land, but after I get some sleep. I’ll call you.” he's always been so good at reading Harry, even now over the phone, he can hear Harry’s insecurities.

“Okay, I’ll see you then,” And he really doesn’t want to hang up the phone but he can hear in Niall’s voice that he’s getting distracted and he’s sure he has to go back to work, but he just doesn't want to lose this connection, not yet.

“Yes, sorry Haz but I really need to get back to work. But I’ll see you soon, yeah?” And Harry doesn’t know why he asks it but his answer is a quick.

“Yeah, bye Ni.” After the other boy hangs up he looks at the phone, telling him they’d spent 32:31 minutes talking on the phone and it certainly hadn’t felt that long. He knows he’s acting like a schoolboy with a crush but he can’t help it. Niall has always had that effect on him even when he didn’t know it.

He really can’t wait to see him again. He knows that when they see each other again it will go back to being a little harder; Niall’s defenses are down while he’s away. He feels safer and after the first couple rough weeks the email thing has worked out, so much more than he could have even hoped for. Harry had been worried that Niall would just ignore him, take the easy way out, but Niall was so

Harry was more hopeful than ever.

The next two weeks equally drag by and fly by. He’s avoided talking to Jeff but he does have a meeting coming up, in France of all places, with Christopher Nolan and the casting director of the new movie that has yet to have a name, so he’s going to have to talk to him again eventually. He’s pretty sure the timing is going to suck because as soon as Niall gets back he’s going to be leaving for a few days because he really does want to be in this movie and he’s starting to get bored with his time off, even with all the studio time and songwriting.

When it’s the day for Niall to come back he can’t help but check his computer, Niall let him know what time he left and the flight number and he abuses that knowledge by watching the flight tracker. Niall will be home soon and he still doesn’t know what the next step is. He was honest; he doesn’t really have a plan or an agenda, so he really is taking things step by step. He’s startled away from his computer when his phone starts ringing.

“Hey Li, what’s up?” He had the boys over a week or so ago to play a FIFA tournament where he got his arse kicked, but it was worth it to see them happy and just to have them over… to have friends he felt like he could be himself around.

“I need you to come to the pub.” And he sounds serious, which with the words he’s saying is a little strange.

“Say what?” He’s confused but he stands, he takes the stairs to his bedroom and grabs a shirt. The first one is the white shirt with the black teardrop pattern and he’s already in black ripped jeans so it works.

“So Lou called me right? And he said he’s at the bar, drinking and I’m like, ‘Why’ and he’s like ‘me and Danielle are over’ and like he’s bummed and drinking and like oddly ok but he just- like he wants you here. And he keeps calling Niall, but Ni’s on the plane and I keep telling him that and he's like ‘oh’ and it’s just weird man.”

“I thought they were good? All was good?” He starts to get ready a little quicker and asks him where he’s at and it’s a little bit of a drive for him but he’ll do it, because up until lately he’s been a shitty friend and he’s mending fences and this is what friends do for each other.

Besides all he’s doing is sitting at home, creepily watching a flight tracker for his ex-boyfriend that he really wants to become his un-ex-boyfriend. He should really get out of the house.

“All was good, but she’s got this promotion for work and she’s only like 22 and apparently Bri’s needed extra help lately, which ok I get, Freddie’s like one and co-parenting is hard enough but…”

“Mate, chill, I’m on my way.” He grabs his keys and gets on his way. He’s thinking the bar should be pretty empty on Monday night.

When he gets there it is pretty quiet so it’s not hard to find the two boys sitting in the back drinking pints of beer. Louis stands when Harry gets there.

“H! H! You’re here.” He finds his arms full of a partially drunk Tommo. “I need a night out with my lads! Yes! Where’s Ni, did you call him?” Louis now has his hands on either side of his face, squeezing almost painfully.

“Not yet,” That gets Louis to drop his hands. “He’s flying back today.” Louis nods emphatically.

“I knew that, I did, but I thought he would be back by now. Call him yeah?” He hands Harry his phone and Harry takes a minute and ignores the thought that he should steal Niall’s number from Louis phone.

Louis usually more into the club and dance scene so Harry’s surprised they ended at a little pub like this but they end up talking, drinking, then playing billiards. Harry cuts himself off after two pints and switches to water because the other two don’t look like they are going to stop drinking and he drove his Rover so the least he can do is make sure they all get home safe.

It’s a game of billiards and darts before Louis once again asks about Niall. Harry does the math in his head. He should have landed about an hour ago, if not more. He grabs Louis phone and scrolls through the contacts before finding Niall. He dials looking over his shoulder at the other two boys debating over another round of billiards or darts. He waits taping his bored shoe while the phone rings.

“Lou, I just walked in the door.” He sounds tired and Harry feels a little guilty because he really wants to see Niall as much as Louis does.

“Sorry not Lou…”

“Harry?”

“Yeah, I’m with Lou at the bar and he keeps asking for you.” he's talking in a hushed tone, almost hoping that Louis doesn't see him on the phone.

“What’s going on?” His voice is tinged with concern and already Harry is reminded of what a good friend Niall is.

“Uhm, he and Danielle broke up apparently. But he hasn’t really talked about it, but he’s well on his way to being totally pissed.”

“Harry! H! Who you talking to?” Tommo’s voice echo’s through and he knows that Niall can hear him on the other end.

“Uhh,” he doesn’t know if he should really say anything, Niall might not be willing to come out and that mixed with drunk Tommo isn’t really ideal. But Niall reads his hesitation even over the phone.

“You can tell him, I can be there. It’s already pretty late, what’s a couple more hours?” Niall seems to be talking more to himself than Harry for that last part. “I’ll grab a cab.”

“It’s Niall.”

“Finally, tell him to get his arse down here already. Darts we’ll play darts!” He finally decides grabbing the darts from the table. Most of the other bar patrons are steering clear of them and Harry is completely ok with that.

“Haz, where you at?” He rattles off the name of the pub before he’s pulled into another game of darts.

Now he can't help feeling guilty because Niall has got to be exhausted coming off the two month whirlwind of a tour and now he’s being drug out to hang with friends but at least now he’s off for the rest of the year, he thinks, so maybe he can rest tomorrow. Besides he didn’t sound all that pissed or upset.

Its barely a half hour and Harry is getting his arse handed to him in darts when he just happens to look over his shoulder when the door opens… who is he kidding, he’s been looking over his shoulder every time the door opens to see if its Niall, but this time it is.

He’s a full brunette now, the top cut short and the sides shorn close to his head, he’s covered in stupid stubble which shouldn’t be attractive, but is, and he does look tired. His eyes are bright though when he meets Harry’s and he gives him a tired smile before Louis realizes he’s there too, and stampedes over to wrap his arms around the other lad almost making both of them fall.

Harry can't help but follow him over, slowly trying to read his welcome. Niall greets him with a quiet, “Hey,” and a soft smile, so Harry can't really help himself, as soon as Liam and Louis step back, he steps forward and wraps him in a hug. Surprisingly Niall sinks into it, hugging him back, hands resting on his lower back, Harry chalks it up to his exhaustion that Niall seems to hold on for a minute, fingers tangling in the back of his shirt. They stand for just a moment, Niall’s body relaxed into his, before they both pull away.

When Harry looks over at Louis he is watching with surprisingly sharp eyes given his partial intoxication.

The next half hour, the increasing drunk Doncaster lad, tells them about his mutual break up and how ‘he gets it he does!’ but it still hurts and ‘they’re still friends, but how does that work really?’ The theatrical lad gets more and more worked up now that all of them are there and he waited for all of them because ‘this way I only need to tell it once!’

But now that Niall’s here, Harry can’t really stop looking at him, sitting across from him at the small round table they claimed. To be honest, whenever Niall’s in the room he has a hard time looking at anyone else. And right now, Niall looks sleepy, chin resting in his hand watching his friend with tired amusement as he keeps saying ‘this is what it’s all about lads!’ ‘We’ll always have the four of us!’

And it’s true, Harry’s so happy its true that he can’t stop the smile from breaking across his face. He can feel his dimple pop as he looks around at an almost equally drunk and happy Liam. When he looks back at Niall, he’s got that same soppy smile on his face and Harry just can’t stop looking at him. He knows that Niall has never thought that he was anything special, but to Harry he’s just the sun, bright and the center of his universe.

“Last orders!” Harry turns his head at the call realizing that the pub is getting ready to close. The night passed quickly and he can’t believe that he’s been here hours already.

“Ahhh,” Liam groans, “I’m calling a cab to get me home. Chezza doesn’t mind if I go out as long as I find my way home.” Liam smiles, talking about his now wife, Harry’s glad he found someone that makes him smile. He still feels like he’s being left behind, like everyone is moving without him, but that feeling is fading. Louis and Liam have allowed him into their live with open hearts and he’s just so _god damned lucky_.

“I drove, Lou wanna catch a ride with me?” Louis looks over at Niall though, his eyes somewhat calculating for how pissed he is, there is something slightly mischievous in his eyes and Harry can’t help but wonder what he’s planning.

“Ni, can I stay with you?” Niall perks up at the sound of his name.

“Huh?” And his eyes are barely open, his head resting on his fist propped up by his elbow.

“Can I crash with you?” Louis asks again.

“Uhm sure, yeah, my spare rooms empty. Or should be, don’t know, I was home for like two minutes. ” With that he looks over at Harry and he has to fight back a smile because Niall looks like a disgruntled puppy.

Liam texts for a cab and they all wait until he’s settled in and on his way before piling into Harry’s Range Rover.

Niall’s in the passenger seat, head leaning against the window. When Harry looks back, Louis is sprawled in the backseat almost looking to be asleep. He reaches across the console to lay a hand on Niall’s thigh. It always amazed him how skinny Niall was, how his hand just covered so much of his thigh, he never thought he had large hands but Niall had always loved them.

Niall head snaps up at the touch, looking over at Harry.

“What’s your address?” He keeps his hand on his leg and Niall doesn’t go to move it, even though he glances down at it.

“Uhh, we live pretty close together. I’m on Queens Grove road.” And they are close, that’s the same street that Harry lives on, just about half a kilometer down.

“Ok.” He finally moves his hand away so that he can drive and he can’t help but laugh when he hears Louis snoring in the back. Niall joins him though a little bit softer. “I’m sorry I called, but he’d been asking for you all night.”

“No, it’s okay. He’s an emotional sop when he goes through shit like this. I know you weren’t around as much, but remember Eleanor?” Harry nods, because yes, how could he forget that, part of him still thinks she’s the love of Louis life, “besides I mostly have the next couple weeks off, I just need to send off a couple articles tomorrow but I finished them on the plane before I slept.”

“So you did sleep on the plane.”

“Yeah, I’ve gotten better at that.”

“You could never sleep on the train either,” Harry threw out there not sure how a comment like that would be received. He’s not sure if the past is taboo or not.

“No not really.” Niall leans his head back against the window. This time of night the drive is short, but when he finally pulls to Niall’s gate, he’s asleep. He takes a minute to just really look at him. The man is seriously just ridiculously attractive; no one even comes close in Harry’s book.

“Ni,” He shakes him gently, hand on his shoulder. “Ni, what’s your gate code?”

“Um, 1-1-1-0,” He tells him trying to shake himself awake and it’s not ‘till he’s typing it in that he realizes what it is. It’s their anniversary, November 10.

His heart warms, because Niall’s had this house for a couple years now and it’s getting more and more obvious, that he’s still very present in Niall’s mind.

The two grab Louis from the back seat and Harry is thrumming with excitement to see his house. It’s obviously dark when they get in, but he can see lots of dark wood, very exquisite detailed wood work and a balance of light colors. He sees the photo of Augusta in his entry way and smiles because he knows the story behind it. Knows that Thomas took it and it is how they met.

More and more he is anchoring himself back in Niall’s life here and he loves it.

The two help strip Louis down to just his pants, leave water and aspirin on the nightstand and then leave the other lad to sleep his sorrows away.

He makes his way through the halls slowly, taking in the different pictures, trying to peak in the slightly open doors to see if there is anything interesting but Niall keeps him moving with a steady hand on his lower back .

Harry’s back to standing outside the front door before he knows it and when he turns back to Niall, he is leaning sleepily against the door frame looking up at him.

“I’ll see you soon?” Harry asks, while tonight has great, it wasn’t what he wanted to have has his first night back with Niall.

He nods drowsily and then Harry is struck numb, spine shooting up straight, as Niall leans up and presses a soft electric kiss to his lips. It echoes the goodbye kiss at the doorway Niall would always give Harry, his way of saying ‘see you soon’ when Harry would leave for work so early in the morning. It makes him remember good morning kisses from just waking up in the morning; just a soft press of dry lips to welcome the other one to the day, of welcome home kisses, the passionate kisses, of you-piss-me-off-but-I-love-you kisses. His eyes flutter shut for just a second but then open to watch Niall settle back on his feet.

Harry sees the second that Niall realizes what he did. His blue eyes widen and his mouth opens softly in shock and he stutters a bit when he starts to speak.

“So-yeah- I’m exhausted and that- that never happened.” The next thing Harry knows he’s looking at Niall’s closed front door but a wide smile is breaking across his face.

Deny all he wants, that- that just happened

\----

He can hear something, clanging, smell something, breakfast maybe? Who in the world would be cooking right now?

Niall wakes up slow, easing slowly back into consciousness. When he turns toward the window, he can tell it is much later than he thought it was. But then again he had a late night, later than what he expected anyway.

He groans when he remembers just how last night ended though.

He was lucky he was so tired, because otherwise he wouldn’t have slept at all. The problem is he can’t even explain it. Can’t reason out why it happened, why it felt so normal to reach up and press his lips against Harry.

Part of him wants to say that he was just too tired, trapped in a memory of before, when kisses goodbye were part of their normal routine.

But they don’t have a normal routine, not anymore and they haven't for years.

He makes his way out of bed, visits the loo, and then he’s off to see what Louis is up to. He’s the only explanation for the noise and commotion.

Sure enough, there he is making a good ol’ fashion fry up… at 4:00 in the afternoon.

“Ni, there you are!” Louis apparently had been into his room while he was sleeping and borrowed a kit . He looked clean and much better than Niall thought he would look.

“Morning- or afternoon I guess.” He sits down at the table and sure enough there is tea in front of him before he knows it. “Thanks.” He mutters before sipping some down.

“Thank you, for coming out last night, for letting me stay here. Danielle is getting all her stuff out today. I mean we’re on good terms and she’s not going to steal anything but I just really didn’t want to be there.”

“I get it man. You don’t need to explain.” He sighs into his tea.

“It was nice the four of us last night.” Louis put a plate in front of Niall then another one at the other seat, sitting down across from him. When Niall stays silent, Louis looks up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Hmmm? Oh, nothing.” Niall looks intently at his plate, because he’s a horrible liar and he doesn’t want to talk to Louis about Harry, doesn’t want to talk to anyone about Harry. He just wants to have a day to himself.

“Neil, seriously.” When Niall stays silent still, he gets up and tops off both their teas. “Or we don’t have to talk at all.” At that Niall finally picks up a piece of toast.

“I can listen if you need to talk.” Niall suggests, he just doesn’t feel like venting his emotions. He’s already figured most of their friends and family out. Since the engagement party, all of them seem invested in what he’s doing, where he’s at, but more importantly is he talking to Harry again?

“So I saw it coming.” Is where he starts.

“Saw what coming?”

“Danielle and I. It wasn’t like with El, with that I was blindsided. I regret so much of that.” Niall gives Louis his full attention. “And don’t get me wrong, I like Bri, but she was never the love of my life. We both knew it. But El, I regret giving in so easy, just taking her word that it was over. She came to me mum’s funeral. But things were already rocky with Danielle. I knew that if she got this promotion it would be over.”

“Relationships are weird.” Niall offers, “I knew that it was coming with Ellie too.”

“How?”

“Honesty I suppose. I told her I didn’t want to move in with her, she saw it as a fear of commitment. But once Gems posted the picture of me ‘n Harry she called it quits.” Looking back he can see her point of view. Knows that she wasn’t in the wrong, while he did care for her and was faithful to her, he could not see a lifelong commitment there.

“Why would that make her call it quits?”

And he can tell them. Now that he know that Harry knows it’s not really as big of deal as it was. “You know that side job I do, in the off season?” He waits for Tommo’s nod before moving on, “I met Ed Sheeran in the hospital after my accident, I don’t know if he was doing charity work or whatnot but he heard me signing a song that I wrote. Now we write songs together, some he releases and some he sells to other artist.”

“Why didn’t I know this?” Louis has always had a quick mind and Niall can see him putting the puzzle pieces together.

“Harry’s recorded a few of my songs.” Niall just throws it out there and Louis just stares at him.

“Does he know?” He finally asks.

“Apparently, he told me the night of the engagement party. It’s one of the big things he wants to talk about.”

“And this is why Ellie broke up with you?”

“Kinda.” Niall ends up offering.

“There’s more?”

“There’s always more.” Niall has to laugh a little bit, “but I’m not going to tell you anymore.”

“Why didn’t you fight for Ellie?” Louis asks, most of the food he fried up is just sitting there getting cold, but the tea is still hot and he keeps refreshing it.

“I think we both knew that our time was over. That was it for us. Same for you and Danielle?” Niall raised a brow and does actually take a couple bites of toast. He hasn’t eaten since he was on the plane yesterday and fuck if he can do the math to figure out when that was.

Louis nods again, “Why didn’t you fight for Harry?”

Niall waits until Louis eyes are up, meeting his. There’s no judgment there, just curiosity, “I was working to save the money up to go to LA to see him, but then there was no point.” He grabs his fork, starting to actively eat in the hopes that maybe he’ll get the hint that Niall really does not want to talk about it.

“No point?” The only thing Louis starts to do is eat as well as he waits for a response from the other boy.

“Yes, no point.” He stresses, “Two weeks after he left, he was papped with that Victoria Secret model… whats her name…. I don’t fuckin’ know anymore. It was headlines everywhere because he was just finishing recording and doing promo for the lead single. It was all over _The Sun_ and _Daily Mail_. After that what’s the point. If he can get over us in a couple weeks what was there to fight for?” After all this time he still has a hard time putting it out there. It took him years, two to be exact, to start dating again, first Barbra and then Ellie, but Harry had rebounded like their relationship was nothing.

“Have you talked to him about this?”

“Listen Tommo, I just got off a two month press junket, before that I saw Harry four wait---maybe five time, count them, five, the first three of those I told him to get out of my life or general vicinity. The only serious conversation about the past we’ve had is mostly colored with champagne. And I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He stabs violently at his plate getting some greasy eggs before stuffing them in his mouth to glare at Louis.

“Ok, but just a couple more things okay, just like let me talk for a second here.” Niall nods because what else is there to do.

“Harry is doing what I always wanted to with El. To go back and fight for her. You may not see it that way, but he is fighting for you. He wants to make you happy and he thinks that he can do that. He is bowing to every single one of your stipulations as long as you give him a chance. You can’t give him a chance if you are still holding on to all that fucking pain and resentment.”

“It’s been almost four years….” He tries to interrupt but Louis just continues to talk over him

“I am not a relationship expert by any means. But I can see that Harry still fuckin’ loves you and you may not see it, might even refuse to see it, but I can, Liam can, his mum can. All of us just want you both to be happy again.”

“Lou…”

“And before you try to tell me that you are over it, remember I know you. I’ve known you like a brother for over ten years. And you may not want to talk about the past but you need to. Because you need to know the truth and so does he. He needs to know that you drank until you blacked out more than once, that you threw yourself into school and work so hard that we didn’t talk for weeks, and that you ended up having a panic attack when you quit school but the only thing that got you through was the knowledge that you had nothing else anymore. I know it wasn’t easy for you so don’t pretend that it was.”

“I don’t need to make him feel guilty; those were my decisions, all of that was me.” Niall points out, even though all of it is true.

“But you still hold him responsible.”

“I don’t, I really don’t, I know I lost myself a little after he left. But I found me again. Eventually. I look in the mirror and I’m proud of what I see.” And he’s proud of who he is today, fucking proud.

“And you should because you are one amazing human being. But who’s to say he didn’t lose himself a little bit too when he left. Let him explain that picture, all the pictures, let him talk to you about your car accident, why it changed him…”

“He said he couldn’t imagine a world without me in.” Niall interrupts. “Did he call you?”

“Yeah, it’s when he reached back out to me for the first time. Gemma wasn’t giving him the whole story is what he told me, he thought you were dead.” Louis eyes are so concerned, that Niall just has the hardest time telling him to mind his own business.

“The truth is that he doesn’t need to explain, you get that right? The moment he broke up with me our decisions were ours to own. I can’t be responsible for his and he can’t be responsible for mine. We may have gone through rough patches, both of us, but why do we have to talk about it?”

“Maybe it’s just time to rip the bandage off so that it can really heal?” Is what Louis counters with. “It’s going to be the most awful conversation of your life, but maybe then you guys can actually give this a chance. Don’t get me wrong, I want to see you guys together, with a happily ever after, but if that doesn’t happen it doesn’t. But maybe you can both have healthy happy relationships with someone else. But I think you know, just like I knew with El, that he’s the love of your life.”

And that’s the thing. Niall does know that, he’s known it ever since he was thirteen and he realized that the only person he had eyes for was his best friend. And he was devastated when their first kiss lead absolutely nowhere. So he put himself back in the friend-zone, listened to his dates with Taylor, and when he lost his virginity to someone else. And he was okay with it, because that had been just a kiss, just a glimpse of a glimpse of what could be.

But he doesn’t want that now, he doesn’t want to be a friend to the love of his life, he doesn’t want to hear about those dates, those kisses, those encounters, but that’s part of friendship.

“That boat’s already sailed. And I know that we have too much history to be friends. But he told me if I gave him a chance and it didn’t work then he would leave me alone. And don’t get me wrong, the engagement party was nice, the email chain was nice, but it’s just not permanent.”

“It could be, if you let it. He’s here and he is fighting for you, let him, talk to him, let him prove you wrong. I know when it comes to relationships you aren’t the most optimistic person anymore, but just let him prove you wrong, because I know he will.”

When Niall looks over to him, the only thing he can really see is the complete and utter belief in what he is saying. Whatever Louis knows has him completely on Harry’s side.

“Why are you on his side?” He finally asks, because he can’t help but feel a little betrayed by Louis attempts to sway him. It was Niall that has been here through thick and thin with him, Niall who was here for Jay’s funeral, and while she was sick, when he and El broke up, when they found out Bri was pregnant and when Freddie was born. He was _here._ Not just on a phone or through a social media status, he was _here._

“I’m not on his side.” Louis sits back a little to rest his elbow on the table and put his chin in his hand as he looks at Niall across the table still full of mostly cold food. He gives Niall a soft smile so full of fondness that Niall can’t help but smile back, because this man is a brother to him. “I’m on your side. Because I know that he’s your happily-ever after and if anyone deserves one, it’s you.”

And Niall doesn’t know what to say to that. Louis is so confident, so sure and he just wishes he had a little bit of that. But he keeps falling back to the fact that Harry threw him away so easily… but maybe it wasn’t as easy as he thought it was, maybe he should know the whole story.

“I’m supposed to call him soon, I have his number.” Is what he ends up saying grabbing his tea.

“Oh, that’s good.” Louis blinks wide eyes at him.

“I don’t know what the plan is past that.” At that Louis laughs at him.

“Lad, I know you always want to have plan, or know where it’s going or what-the –fuck-ever but just try to go with the flow. Talk about nothing or talk about the big stuff and get it out of the way. But don’t try to think ten steps ahead, because I can tell you he doesn’t have a plan or agenda other than you… just you.” Niall can feel his cheeks heat at that. He hasn’t really done that in ages.

It’s a nice thought, that all someone else can think about is you; to in a way, be the center of their world.

“So when are you going after El? You’ve been talking since the funeral?” He really just wants a change of topic, Louis has some valid points, either way he was going to reach out to Harry, but maybe after this he may approach it a little differently. Maybe he will just get the big stuff out of the way first. Maybe that’s the only way to see if there is a chance to actually have something there.

“We have, I’m just playing it cool right now, I have time. I’ll give it a couple weeks, maybe follow her again on Twitter and Instagram, my sisters are still close to her, so maybe I’ll ask them to tell her I’m single. Right now, I’m going to appreciate the fact that Danielle was amazing and that we had a good go of it and make sure I’m not rushing into anything.”

“Smart move.”

“But you should rush into things, call Harry.” Louis laughs at the glare that Niall sends him because really he’s much too adorable to be threatening. Niall knows this as well.

“I’ll do what I want when I want, and since I didn’t ask you to cook, you can do the dishes, I’m going to go shower.” Louis stutters and Niall walks away but he can’t help but laugh a little himself.

When he gets to his bedroom, he grabs his phone. He sends off the text before he can think better of it, knowing he’s finally taking that leap, giving Harry his phone number by choice and fully opening lines of communication.

**I’ll call tomorrow. Im just catching up on sleep I didnt forget. N**

He jumps in the shower washing off the grime of the airplane and the pub from last night. When he gets out there is a message waiting.

**Im looking forward to it. XxH**

He leaves the phone in his bedroom so he won’t be distracted by wanting to look at Harry’s text message every five minutes and ends up finding Louis on the couch.

“Netflix?” He asks.

“Sure.” He answers as he drops down beside him, putting his feet on the coffee table. “Just no rom-coms.”

“Deal.”

\----

Harry spends most of the next day reading through the Christopher Nolan script trying to relate to the characters he has him in mind for. The heartbroken MI6 agent he can somewhat relate to except for the fact he is far away from bad-ass. He’s really much more of a lover than a fighter, always has been.  
But he’s really excited about this film. He had such an amazing experience and he was hooked, all he could think about was how he wanted to do it again and again. It was a high almost like when he would get out in front of a crowd of thousands and they would sing his songs right back at him.

He’s relieved when he finally gets a text from Niall. Apparently he didn’t feel the need to hide his number so he saves it to his phone with the email contact.

Dealing with Niall is almost like dealing with a timid animal that’s been abused once before. And he gets it, he knows why Niall is so tentative to let him in, but he really just wants to see him smile at him he way he used to, laugh freely like he does with others.

He knows he needs to be patient, but he really doesn’t want to be.

Harry spends most of the next day working with Jeff and the casting team to look at his trip to France to audition for the new film. It’s getting to be late afternoon and he still hasn’t heard from Niall that he starts getting a little nervous. He keeps telling himself to trust Niall, he hasn’t changed that much and he did promise.

It’s later than he would have thought when his phone rings. It actually startles him and he ends up spilling his tea and sending his phone to the floor when it happens. At times like this he laughs at all his fans who think he’s sexy, he’s a knob, a clumsy knob.

“Hi,” He pauses just to catch his breath and try to make it sound like he’s a little less eager. “Hi, Ni.”

“Hey,” It’s drawn out and pretty soft and Harry guesses that he still must be playing catch up from the flight. “So how do you want to do this?”

“Do what?” He can’t help but ask, he’s taken a little back by the questions and just how forward he sounds.

“How do you want to get your questions answered? I’ve been thinking and instead of beating around the bush, let’s just do it.” Harry’s still a little unsure.

“Do it?”

“Yeah, let’s ask the questions we really want to ask. Then we can really see if this has a place to go.” His voice is still soft now a little unconfident. Harry can tell he’s still not sure if he wants to do this.

“Oh, okay, do you want to come to my place? That way you can leave when you want. I mean I can come to your place but I don’t want to be pushy, yeah?” And it would be a lot easier for Niall to walk out of his house then to kick Harry out of his own, though they are both equally as stubborn.

“I can do that. It’s a short walk.”

“Do you want to do this now?” Harry queries, he has a huge ball of nerves just forming in his stomach. He thought he would have more time, be able to build a solid foundation before they would tear into this. But if this is what Niall wants to do, he’ll do it.

“I think it might be best to get it over with. I mean why waste time if we can’t get past this shit.” He sounds a little depressed about it himself and Harry already doesn’t like that train of thought.

“I don’t want you to force yourself to do this…” Harry starts but Niall just talks over him.

“If we can’t move past the break up, there’s no point in pretending. I don’t want to really talk about it either. I’ve spend the last few years making a point of not talking about it. But any friendship, hell any relationship, is built on honesty and we need to start there.” Niall’s right, Harry knows it too, but he just can’t figure out if Niall’s looking for an excuse or trying to give it his all.

“I’ll text you my address, and then see you in a bit?”

“Sure,” Then he’s disconnecting and Harry texts him the address then starts looking around his house, trying to figure out what to do, what to clean, is it tidy? He’s not always the neatest person.

He starts with putting the kettle on for tea… is this a kitchen conversation or a living room conversation… definitely not a bed room conversation that’s for sure and he laughs a little at his own joke because otherwise he thinks he’s going to be sick. He tides up the kitchen, empties the dishwasher, fills it with the dishes in the sink, then wipes down the counter… Good enough.

Moves on the living room, fluffs up the couch cushions, throws the pillows where he thinks they’re supposed to go, and uncovers more dishes on the coffee table so he throws those in the dishwasher too. He is walking to the entry way to check how bad that is when his security buzzer rings and now it’s too late. He buzzes Niall in then takes a deep breath.

This is what he wanted, he tells himself. All he’s wanted this entire time is to talk to Niall, explain at least a little bit without looking like he was trying to making excuses.

He opens the door before Niall can knock. And he looks like he did on the phone, soft, warm and fuzzy around the edges. He has a flat cap on his head, a warm snuggleable white jumper and dark wash skinnies on, comfy trainers on his feet. He looks delicious.

“So, yeah- uhm hi, come in. I’ve got the kettle on for tea.” He wants to hug him but he’s not sure if it’s okay or not. He got that vibe at the bar and now he’s not getting it so he goes with no, but he doesn’t look stand-off-ish however he doesn’t look open either.

Niall doesn’t say anything as he steps in and looks around. Harry’s proud of his house, much like Niall’s it has the somewhat old fashion woodwork, but the house is light and airy bright with sunshine and windows. He loves it and it has quickly become home.

“I like it.” Is what Niall goes with, and he kicks off his shoes at the entry way before following Harry to the kitchen in wacky striped socks… at least that hasn’t changed.

“Thanks, so kitchen or living room?” Harry asks and he uses a hand to indicate the different doorways.

“I’ve had enough kitchen conversations, let’s take the tea to the living room, okay?” Niall finally cracks a small smile at that and the two get settled and as much as Harry wants to say its awkward knowing the conversation that’s coming ahead, it’s really not, it feels familiar, like settling down for dinner or a movie. So much about Niall is still familiar and warm and makes him feel like he’s that teenager who’s in love for the first time.

“So I know I said that I didn’t really want to talk about the past and I really still don’t. But maybe full disclosure is important. So let’s make a deal?” Harry smiles because that is so like Niall, to have a plan, outline rules, and make an itinerary.

“Ok, what’s the terms?” He faces Niall sitting crossed legged on the couch, giving Niall his full attention.

“Any question you or I want but after this it’s off the table unless we both think we need to talk about it again.”

“Seems fair.”

“And no bullshit, no excuses, this isn’t about guilt or blame just answers.” Harry can’t stop looking into his eyes. He’s unwavering in this decision. He obviously wants to get this over with.

“Ok, so unlimited questions?” Because he really has so much that he wants to ask, he starts ranking the questions in his head.

“Until one of us calls it quits?” He’s turned on the couch facing him pulling one leg up on the couch to get comfortable.

“Who starts?” Harry asks.

“You.” Niall stresses with a nod.

“Ok.” He stops for a minute. “Let’s start easy… where’s our writing journals?” Harry knows that Niall knows what he’s talking about. But for a second Niall just looks at him, then he huffs out a small laugh.

“That? That’s what you start with?” He looks amazed, but his eyes are bright with disbelief and this look alone is well worth the ‘wasted’ question.

“That’s what I start with.” This is the warm up, anyway.

“They’re at my house in the attic storage.” Harry nods, that’s good. He didn’t bin them, he has plans for them.

“Your turn.” Niall looks up at the ceiling before looking back at Harry.

“Why did you really move back to London?” Okay… so Niall wasn’t going to pull any punches, no starting easy here.

“So I was serious, when you had your car accident, I was a mess. My mum called me to tell me, but Gems wouldn’t tell me anything and nobody really knew what was going on. That evening I got papped leaving a restaurant, because there was a meeting I ‘couldn’t miss.’ I don’t even remember what I said, but security stopped me from attacking the guy.” It was probably one of his darkest moments, that day, realizing that he didn’t like the person that he was becoming, “I knew that the person I was, wasn’t who I wanted to be. And I knew I wouldn’t be like that if I had you, mum, Gems, the lads, in my life like they should be. So I started the plan to move back.”

He keeps eye contact with Niall, doesn’t let him look away. He wants Niall to know that he’s being fully honest.

“Why did you and Ellie break up?” Niall takes a couple big breathes before he answers.

“She asked me to move in. I said no, she thought I was afraid of commitment. When Gem’s posted the picture of us, she recognized you and put it together with the tattoo I have. Then she realized that you had recorded my songs and she thought they were all about you. She told me it was over because it was big and she didn’t know what else I was hiding and that I was…” He stutters for the first time a blush coming up to his cheeks, “She told me that I was still in love with you.” He’s meeting Harry’s gaze and his blue eyes are honest but he’s obviously a little uncomfortable.

Niall has to take a drink of his tea before he asks his next question. Harry takes the chance to take a sip of his as well. “The first time you were papped, you said it wasn’t what I thought it was… what was it?” And Harry is so relieved, so glad he was asked because…

“I was at a label party and it was interesting, exciting ya know?” And he waits for Niall’s nod to continue. “And it was getting late, but I had been talking with Nads all night on and off. We’d met before and knew each other. Nothing special, nothing crazy, but I noticed another guy slip something into her drink. I didn’t get to her in time before she drank it, so as soon as I could I got over to her and explained. She didn’t want to go to the hospital or risk exposure so she asked that I find her security and take her home.

“Nadine became a good friend after that, but when we walked out of the party into the paps, it did look like she was all over me, because I was the only thing holding her up. I can’t be sorry it’s the reason you never came after me. I don’t know what would have happened if I wasn’t there and I don’t want to.” It’s blunt and honest and he has always believed that he was at a certain place at a certain time because he was where he needed to be.

It may have screwed up his life, but Nadine’s alive and well because of it.

“A true gentleman, Anne would be so proud.” Niall tells him and there is a small smile even though it’s a sad smile he’s at least starting to smile more around Harry, his defensive walls have been coming down brick by brick.

“Tell me about your tattoo?” He watched as Niall goes to place a hand on his hip, right over the mark, but stops himself settling his hands back into his lap instead. “Why did you get it? Why is it still there?”

“It’s still there as a reminder not to be that stupid and naïve again…” Harry can’t help but flinch when he hears that. “Or at least that’s what I tell myself, but the truth is I really don’t know.” He stops and he looks away from Harry, studies the black and white pictures on the wall, the large TV hanging over the fireplace, the bookshelves on either side. His answer has broken Harry’s heart. But he stays silent; Niall still has more to say but he just doesn’t know what to say, he can tell, he just looking for the words. “But I just never really wanted to cover it. No one really knows about it, Gemma I think and my past relationships, obviously. It’s right at that line that my pants usually cover it, ya know? But it needed to be there, that was-like-your spot?” And Harry can’t help but nod in agreement, he does know. “I didn’t know what I would cover it with? Plus what was important enough to cover it with? So I just left it alone.”

“But why did you get it?” It’s not really his turn, but it was his original question, he’s somewhat cheating by asking more than one, but it all related so…

“Looking back, I think I could tell you were drifting away, maybe that’s the wrong word-- let’s go with wavering? I wanted to show you that I was in, all in, for the relationship, the job that you were trying to do, that we could do it together and I would always be yours.” He looks away again, it’s like he really doesn’t want to talk about this, but he’s doing because that was the deal. “I actually found a copy of your contract, that had you initial every page. I took a picture then took it to that tattoo shop you liked, the one with the awful name… Skin Kitchen or something like that? Worked with your guy there to turn it into this…” He waves a hand in the general direction of his hip, like Harry has forgotten where it was. “It took about three months to pull it together to make it happen. I was going to show you on our anniversary, but look how that worked out.” He gives a harsh laugh at that and Harry’s pretty sure he’s blinking tears, but that’s okay ‘cause Harry is too.

“I…” And Harry’s at a loss for words. He really doesn’t know what to say.

“Don’t make it a bigger deal than it is, Harry.”

“But it is a big deal, you never wanted one, didn’t think that having something inked to your skin was the best way to get your point across, that’s what you told me. You laughed at me when I said that we should get matching tattoos. So why? Why this?”

Niall looks at him as he ponders the question. “I think this was my way of trying to speak your language? You have tattoos draped all over your body, all of them linked to memories you have. You’ve covered them up as the need to remember lessens. I think this was just my way of proving to you that you were it for me.” Niall looks away again, looks back to the black screen telly sitting in front of them, not even blinking.

“Why didn’t you show me then?” His voice is a barely a whisper.

“Why? Would it have changed anything? Or would you have just felt even guiltier for leaving?” And Harry knows now why he didn’t, because he was sure that Harry’s mind was made up, didn’t realize that Harry’s heart was breaking just as much as his was, not even sure that he was making the right decision for his future.

“I guess we’ll never know.” Is all that Harry can say, he’d like to say it would have made a difference, that it would have halted him in his tracks because he knows, he knows what it took for Niall to walk in the door to a tattoo parlor. He’d gone with him a couple times, held Harry’s hand and had always been more pale and shaking that Harry had-and he had been the one getting the tattoo.

“There’s a lot that we’ll never know. A lot of what-ifs and maybes. We can’t hash through them all, we’ll drive ourselves crazy.” Harry knows that Niall’s right. He can’t keep thinking of the past and how he wishes it was different. He thinks that he understands now why Niall wants to get the out of the way, if they can’t get through all this shit, there is no point.

“Okay, your question.” Harry finally prompts.

“Why did you really break up with me?” And fuck those are tears in his eyes and Harry doesn’t want to make him cry, it was awful enough the first time.

“To try and make a long answer short, I was young and I let myself be manipulated, I let it happen without really realizing what was going on before it was too late. There were just so many people around me, like me, and I listened when people told me that it wouldn’t work. That I was too young for a ‘real long distance’ relationship and I let them influence me and convince me that it would never work, that once I hit it big I would never be able to keep those friends and relationships from ‘my old life.’ They had me convinced that a ‘normal’ person could never understand what my life was going to be like and it would be better for you if I let you go. They had me convinced that, in a way, I would ruin your life by trying to stay with you. And that it would save you from having to deal with paps, tabloids, and rumors and all the heartache that comes with it.

“Truth be told, they just wanted a young, single, ‘sexy’ artist to be able to market, because you have more fans when you’re on the market. They could control who I saw and the people around me influenced me to make one of the worst decisions of my life and that’s why I won’t let Jeff talk to you or any PR person, because my life is my life and I will live it on my terms. It was the hardest lesson I had to learn, but I did. But it was at the expense of you.”

There it is. The fucking miserable truth that he let himself be lead, let himself be manipulated. He didn’t stand up for himself and he sure as hell didn’t have a backbone.

But he does now. And he got it the hard way.

“That’s fucking stupid.” Niall tells him on a watery laugh, because yeah, it is.

“Yeah, it is.”

“You’re such an idiot sometimes.”

“I know. But we both came out of it stronger. I can tell you with confidence that I have never let it happen again.” He feels a lot better getting that off his chest. He knows that Niall said that none of this was about guilt, or blame, but it doesn’t change the fact that Harry had always blamed himself by not seeing through that manager or label. It is why when he searched for a second label and manager he was happy to have found Jeff. And his second album, songs mostly written by him and ones that he chose, and movie deal were a testament to that change.

“Okay, my turn.” And Niall looks at him, raising a brow, because yeah, that’s most of it, almost all of it but…

“Can I have some of the writing journals back? I’d really like to use them on my next album.” At that Niall really laughs, he wipes the tears from his eyes as he rests his elbow on his knee that he has lying on the sofa. It’s the first time that Niall’s really looked at him and his defenses were down and he can really see the Niall that he knows, that he loves. The one that is warm as sunshine and makes his stomach knot up with nervous butterflies.

“I think we can arrange something.” Niall tells him. And his lips are red and curved in a smile; eyes blue and warm, emotion flushes his cheeks with a ruddy blush.

“Maybe we can even work on them together? Write something for my album. Your songs, the first time I heard them I felt like they were meant for me. It wasn’t until last year when I was out with Ed at a Brits party that he let it slip that he wrote with some semi-famous golfer. Then the name James Gallagher was easy to figure out.” Harry offers the answer even though Niall didn’t ask the question but it was important. “By then I was already planning to relocate so I figured I didn’t need to call or track you down through the label. I’d be seeing you soon enough. They’re about me right?”

“Fuck you… of course they are… and… and can we be done? There’s nothing else right, we can stop tearing our hearts out right?” Niall’s shifting, moving so that he’s facing the telly, legs off the couch much less relaxed. And yeah, Niall’s done, but Harry’s done too, at least for a minute.

“Here, let’s try this.” Harry turns away from him, then let’s himself fall back, his head lands softly on Niall’s thigh. “We’re done tearing our hearts out for right now. Let me tell you about this movie and my audition that I have coming up.” He brings his feet up throwing them off the other side of the couch, and for a second Niall is frozen. He can feel his muscles lock up under his head but Harry just starts to talk, minute by minute, his body relaxes and he melts into the back of the sofa. He doesn’t touch Harry, except for placing his hand on his shoulder because he really has nowhere else to put it.

After he’s finished about the movie and upcoming audition, Harry just keeps talking, it’s random now, about the farmers market, the new Whole Foods that’s opening near their houses, the Gucci jacket he was just sent.

He makes sure to keep the conversation light, considering the heavy conversation that they already had. Niall is mostly relaxed, head falling back against the back cushions of the sofa, and Harry does his best to not stutter when the hand that was on his shoulder moves to brush back through his curls. But his mind goes blank and he ends up falling silent.

It’s as familiar as that kiss was the other night. The only thing that has changed is they’re in his flat worth almost £2 million, his hair is short instead of long, and Niall’s hands don’t have the same calluses he used to. He can’t help the shiver that races down his spine, because this is good right?

“I have one more question.” Harry talks soft, there is really no other sound in the flat, but after he speaks the silence feels different. It’s like he can feel the tension rolling back into Niall’s body. His hand stops the steady stroke through his hair and falls back to his shoulder. “Do you have another one for me?”

“Yeah, I can come up with one.” Is what Niall says but its’ stiff and a little uncomfortable and Harry can’t help but wonder what’s going through his mind. He still mourns that he has to think that since there used to be a time that he would almost always already know what he was thinking about.

“Why…Why’d you kiss me the other night?” He stutters just a bit. He’s worried about ruining the mood, this truce they have going on. It’s annoying in its importance because if he can’t last through this he doesn’t have the hope of getting Niall back in any form, friend or more.

“Same, reason you put your head in my lap I suppose.” He stops there for a second and finally looks down at Harry since he hasn’t moved. “It’s familiar, yeah?” And Harry doesn’t know what Niall’s looking for so he nods. “This is familiar.” He takes his hand from Harry’s shoulder and motions it over to the two of them on the couch. “It was just like when I would wake up just to walk you to the door when you would leave for work. That familiarity…it’s easy to want to fall back into that when I’m around you. But I don’t want to because that doesn’t solve anything.” He pauses there and then leans his head back and Harry can’t tell if he’s looking up at ceiling or if his eyes are closed.

“The fact that it’s so easy, that it so comfortable doesn’t make up for the fact that it was easy for you to toss me aside and move on like our life together was nothing.” His voice is choked up and he’s starting to move restlessly under Harry’s head. He’s getting ready to run.

But Harry is more shocked by the words that he said. It echoes in his head and it makes everything make a little bit more sense, all the previous conversations, the way Niall would talk to him defenses up, heart guarded. Because, Niall is smart, so incredibly smart but he still doesn’t understand what Harry’s doing. He doesn’t understand _why_ Harry is doing this. He still doesn’t get it.

Niall pushes on his shoulder, trying to get him to move. But Harry needs to answer his questions, the one that he hasn’t asked yet- the ones he won’t ask. He sits up but before Niall can stand he turns and throws a leg over Niall’s straddling the other boy’s thighs.

“Harry, no,” He raises his voice, but it’s not in anger, more like panic. His eyes are wide, but they are full of hurt and fear. Niall doesn’t want to talk about this, but he needs to hear it. He needs to hear what Harry has to say. “You said I could leave when I wanted.” He stops moving right away though, dropping his head back to rest against the back of the sofa. His eyes drift close, like looking at Harry is even too much and he can’t help but notice his lashes are wet and he places his hands on Niall’s shoulders with a gentle pressure.

“Just wait for a minute, before you go, just one minute, that’s all I ask. I need to answer your questions first. Remember? No blame, no guilt and no bullshit?” Harry tells him and he doesn’t want to startle him, so he lays his hands very softly on the side of his face. He brushes a thumb right under his eye, catching the moisture there. Niall’s trying so hard to stop them all, Harry never dealt well with his tears, felt useless when Niall’s Nan passed away and all he could do was hold his hand.

“I didn’t ask one.” He opens his eyes but he’s still looking at the ceiling, refusing to make eye contact with Harry and that’s okay, he gets it, but it’s not going to stop him from saying this last bit that needs to be said. Then that’s everything, he’s pretty sure after this they’ve said it all.

“Yeah you did. So let me answer it. Why did I throw it all away and why was it so easy for me to move on? That’s what I heard, so let me answer it, okay? And then you can go.” Niall nods to acknowledge him but he won’t look at him, won’t change his gaze from the ceiling. But his hands are on Harry’s hips, like he was going to push him off, push him away, now he’s just holding on fingers tight.

“It wasn’t easy for me, it was a very hard decision and I’d seen how being away and recording in LA and flying back and forth was making it hard on you- hard on us. I let what other people say influence what I thought, I let the toxicity of LA and New York -where love means absolutely nothing- I let it get to me. I thought that I had to leave you behind because it was the only way to accomplish my dream, that I had to give up my world to get the one I’d always dreamed of. We don’t know if it would have worked, I can’t change the past, but I can tell you this. I regretted it the second I got on that flight to move to LA. When my mom asked me how I could do it and Gemma asked me if it would even be worth it without you, because the answer was no, the answer is still no.” Niall blinks slowly and he pauses, catching his breath and letting his words sink in before he keeps going.

“Why was it easy for me to move on?” Harry has to ask again this time Niall finally brings his chin down and Harry drops his hands from his face to his shoulders when their eyes finally meet. Harry doesn’t know when he started to cry, but he can feel a tears tracking down his cheeks, amazed when Niall wipes it away for him. “I think it’s fairly obvious I never have.” He reaches into his shirt, pulls out the cross necklace that Niall gave him on his 19th birthday, shows his left wrist where Niall’s tattoos were-are still coloring his skin, his right hand where he stills wears a ring with dancing teddy bears that Niall got him as a joke, its moved fingers but he’s never taken it off, will never replace it.

“I am still so completely in love with you. That has never changed. Every time I even tried to date someone it just wasn’t right, it never compared, and pretty sure my longest relationship wasn’t even three weeks. Because I _never_ got over it, I _never_ moved on. And all I want is you back in my life even though I know I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve you…” And he can’t keep talking because he’s starts crying, the sobs are stealing his breathe and he hates crying, he’s such an ugly crier and he hates it. But Niall does what he always does, seeks to comfort, even though he has tears leaking quietly from his own eyes. Niall pulls him in closer and Harry just follows his lead, rocks forward into Niall wrapping his arms around his shoulders and turning his face into his neck.

He didn’t want to get emotional, there is no doubt that Niall is feeling hurt and uncomfortable, he wanted to try to do this Niall’s way- but he does feel guilty, he has a lot to own up to, he never understood the full extent of what his leaving Niall behind did to him.

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” He whispers his words into Niall’s neck and the other man rubs those strong hands up and down his back.

“Hey, hey, breathe now, remember this wasn’t about guilt or blame, remember?” The thing is Harry can feel Niall’s tears too when the other man tucks his head into the curve of Harry’s neck. They’re both crying too over a stupid mistake that he made years ago, that he’s just now trying to get around to fixing.

“I should have fought for both my future and you, I should have believed in us instead of them.” He can’t stop now, it’s like all of his regrets are pouring out of him, “I should have known better. I don’t know why I trusted them. Mum was even telling me different… Gems didn’t talk to me for weeks. Liam called to yell at me because you quit school…And then it got worse when- when you got your sponsorship, I was so proud but it didn’t matter to anyone, I had google-alerts for you name, but then then you met _her_ and I hated you dating someone famous because then I had to see proof all over that you were happy, that you could find happiness with someone else and I was alone, always alone, because nobody could even come close to you and…”

Niall’s sharp, “Stop it.” Makes his breath hitch, “Stop it, breathe.” The second one is much more gentle and accompanied with hand running over his hair and landing on his neck. The fingers massage gently and his tears, his heart, slowly start to calm down.

He doesn’t really know how long they sit there, holding on to each other. Niall definitely seems calmer than Harry feels but he’s scared to pull away now. Doesn’t know what’s going to happen when he does. But he’s going to have to do it soon, since his legs are starting to cramp up and his head is starting to hurt. Crying always makes his head hurt.

“Feel better now?” It takes Harry back to that conversation they had in Maura’s kitchen. Back when Harry had just gotten home and invaded his kitchen to get his mum’s eggs. Niall was just so cold then, but this time, it sounds much more genuine and this time Harry does.

“Yeah,” He nods and burrows in tighter.

“Me too,” Niall shares with him and that alone is an accomplishment. Harry finally pulls away sitting back onto Niall’s legs, letting his arms drop to Niall’s waist. Niall lifts his hands and thumbs away the remaining tears.

“So I didn’t think that it would be this bad, ya’know?” Niall tells him. And he looks as bad as Harry feels; eyes bright red from tears, face pale and pinched.

“I didn’t either, I’m sor…” is all Harry gets out before Niall stops him

“What did I say? You need to stop apologizing.”

“I know but I keep thinking of all the pain and shit that I’ve put both of us through and it all seems so…”

“Pointless?” Niall fills in for him.

Harry nods, grateful for the assistance. “But this wasn’t pointless was it?” He can’t help but ask.

“You mean this conversation?” Niall queries back, to which Harry just nods. “No, you feel better, I feel better, and those are both two very good things.” Harry can’t really keep track of Niall’s hands, they keep moving, from drying his tears, to pushing his curls off his face, to rubbing his lower back. All of it feels achingly familiar and Harry gets where Niall was coming from with the response to his question about that ghost of a kiss from a couple days ago.

“I know what you mean by it all seems too familiar and too comfortable.” Niall just ‘hmms’ in response, telling him to go on. “That night I was even thinking it, that it was like when I would leave for work at five in the morning right? You always hated to get up in the morning, since you didn’t have to be to class until nine. But you would still always get out of bed, to kiss me goodbye at the door.” Harry brings a hand up, lays it on his cheek; he’s still slightly surprised that Niall’s letting him get away with it, that he isn’t pushing him away. That Niall is letting him in his space, still sitting on his thighs close enough to smell his cologne. “Why were you so good to me?” Harry can’t help but ask.

“Hey,” Niall’s smile is small but warm and echoed in his eyes. “You were good to me too. It wasn’t all just me.”

“Maybe, but you’re just amazing. I hope that you never question that, I’m sorry I made you question that.” Niall rolls his eyes, but he does lose his smile.

“I lost a lot of confidence in myself after you left. It took me a long time to get it back. And I’m not saying this to be a twat but I still don’t trust you.”

“I get it, I know that you don’t trust me, I know that our lives are much more complicated now more than then. But we accomplished something today right? Out of all this shit, we got somewhere didn’t we?” Harry is getting tired of being on a rollercoaster ride, he just wants to know if there is hope and he knows that it’s a lot to ask for but…

Niall seems somewhat at a loss of what to say but he just ends up nodding, “Yeah, we did.”

“So have I gained the chance to earn your trust back?” He’s gone through too much today to be scared to ask this question. Granted he’s asking Niall to take a big risk, to re-invest back in him. But Harry _knows_ that they have future, he knows it more than anything else. Niall is the love of his life and he’s not going to scare him right now with crazy declarations of love, earlier was enough. But he knows that he can make Niall happy again, that Niall can make him the happiest person on earth.

“Yeah, and I think you may have even gotten yourself to the ‘warming me up for a date stage’.” He knows exactly what Niall is talking about, back in the pub when he said that maybe eventually he could warm Niall up to consider letting him take him on a date. He never thought it would come this quick.

“Really?” Harry knows his face lights up, probably looks like a kid at Christmas but he can’t help it. This has been by far one of the craziest days in his life, but he’ll take it, he’ll take a hundred of them if it means moving forward with Niall.

“I hate to tell you this, but I think that I’m probably right. I think we have too much history to be friends, Haz, it’s all or nothing I guess.” Is what Niall tells him, but his eyes are bright and he can see that he’s still a little afraid of letting Harry back it; afraid of the damage that he could cause.

“So its ride or die for us?” Harry tries to go with a little bit of comedy to try to lighten the mood, but all he can think about is that Niall wants to skip the friend stage. It’s equally terrifying and exciting at the same time. And all he can think about is how he’s sitting in his ex-boyfriends lap after crying his eyes out. Not only that but even though Niall looks tired, emotionally wore out, he’s still smiling lightly at him, cheeks ruddy, lips bitten red.

And Harry stares at him, eyes flitting down to his lips when Niall laughs out, “Sure, ride or die.” But then he’s not laughing because Harry’s kissing him.

He didn’t even make the conscious thought to kiss him, he just _did._

He kisses him slow, warm, lips pressed in gentle not demanding a response. Niall can push him off the couch and onto the floor but it will be worth it. Because his lips feel like heaven underneath his and when he flits his tongue out to taste his lips he can taste the salt of their tears.

To his surprise Niall responds, and it’s not by throwing his arse to the floor, instead his hands come up to his hips, fingertips dig in tight, but his soft lips open and Harry uses the one hand on his face to tilt his head so they match up _just right_. He’s never been slow and tentative kissing Niall before but parts of this are _new,_ the feel of stubble is new, 20 year old Niall only had peach fuzz, and he when Niall presses up against him with his lips it’s with a slightly different pressure.

He presses his lips in again and again slight whispers of kisses before nipping lightly at that plump lower lip with his teeth before teasing his tongue inside. He explores slowly, remembering how Niall likes it, loves the slow deep passionate kisses that get him burning from the inside out. He moves his knees shuffling closer, but Niall brings his hips down, settling them in his lap, he grinds down, drawing a moan from Niall that Harry just swallows down.

He pulls away for just a minute, to watch Niall’s eyes flutter open and they’re bright bright blue but they hold no sign of regret or anger. So he just leans down and kisses him again, diving right in, tracing the top of his mouth, tasting his tongue before teasing him and leading Niall’s back into his mouth. And as Niall kisses him back becoming a full active participant, he takes him apart with his tongue he can feel Niall’s pulse in his neck racing, he knows that his is too, can feel it rushing through his veins.

He could kiss Niall for hours, but Niall pulls away on sigh.

“I should go.” But it’s just a whisper against Harry’s lips and he hums against Niall’s lips in reply when he presses a soft barely there kiss to his lips.

“Or you could stay and we could kiss more and you can leave later.” Harry guides his head back and teases his words into the skin of Niall’s neck. He feels a shiver when he bites at his Adam’s apple and as he kisses back up his neck the course hair of his stubble is rough against his lips and he loves it.

He pulls back licking his lips and takes in Niall’s smile and his blush. He can’t even explain his joy right now. Niall is giving him a chance to win back his trust.

Niall licks his lips as well his breath coming out faster than normal. Harry leans down again slanting his lips over Niall’s sneaking in and just devouring him.

He’s losing a little bit of control bordering on sloppy but it’s been years since he’s kissed someone and felt passion. He’s never felt the intense need to kiss someone, to steal their breathe away and leave them panting. It’s a Niall thing, he’s always so mellow, so laid back, but so strong at the same time that taking him apart with kisses and leaving him panting and hard was is so rewarding, so fucking special.

It’s not just him though, Niall is kissing him back, just as fervently and there’s a desperation there that both of them are feeling. He bites into the kiss, trapping Niall’s lower lip, sucking on it before releasing it to lick into Niall’s mouth and his hands are slipping under Harry’s shirt, hot on his back, fingernails making crescents into his skin, scratching down sending goosebumps over his skin.

He hasn’t felt this good in ages…

The moan that slips out of Niall’s mouth makes all his blood drain to his dick. Niall’s always sounded like sin in bed, so innocent, loving, and sweet, until you get him flat on his back on the nearest surface. Oh god, he didn’t let himself think about it- didn’t want to tempt fate, but his body was made for pleasuring Niall. It was what his body was designed for.

But he pulls away before Niall can; now they are both panting, but Niall’s skin is highlighted by the flush of arousal not just the emotional spectrum that they have been through tonight and Harry lives for it.

“Do you really want to leave?” Is what he goes with, because he won’t make him leave, but he also knows that Niall will regret rushing things if he wakes up here in Harry’s bed in the morning. Even if they don’t do anything, even if he just sleeps, Niall needs room to think and Harry needs to give him that.

Niall moans and it’s a sound of ‘I don’t know’ but Harry knows that he was right to pull back.

“Your pace.” He tells Niall kissing him softly; right on the cheekbone, then back towards his ear, down the cut of his chin and up to his lips. “We go your pace. You’ve got control here.” Because he knows that when Niall isn’t in control of uncomfortable situations there is always an edge of nerves.

“My pace?” Niall asks, agrees, but his hands are still under Harry’s shirt, fingers not as callused as he remembers, but he seems to have no trouble remembering that spot on his lower back that pitches his hips forward looking for friction.

“Yes, you’re giving me the chance here so it’s all up to you.” And the thing is Niall has got to know how much that’s killing him, not like Harry’s a control freak but he does like to have things how he likes and most of the time Niall liked it that way too.

“Hmm and how long is that going to last?” Niall asks and looks Harry straight in the eye, his eyes shining with subdued arousal.

“As long as it takes.”

“Pretty confident there aren’t ya?” But it’s said with a little smirk, like Harry’s arrogance amuses him more than it annoys him.

“Of course, we were made for each other.” In his mind it has always been true, even when he left Niall behind, he always thought that if it was meant to be it would happen. It took Niall’s car accident for him to realize that he could-should _make_ it happen.

And he can’t resist. He kisses him again just presses his lips against his. But both their lips are still wet and they end up sliding deeper, Harry pressing in before he growls pulling back. “I’m trying to be good here. You should go.” Harry tells him using his large hands to frame that lovely face. He can’t even explain how good this feels right now, to be here, _hopeful,_ with Niall.

“I should go.” Niall finally agrees, and drops his hands from under Harry’s shirt so he can back up off of him, finally stretching out his legs and he stands and then he pulls Niall up into him, chest to chest.

“So I have to go to France soon for an audition, were you serious about that date?” And he has to ask because Niall has been a little wish-washy, but he’s allowed. Harry destroyed the trust between them that had been built over fourteen long years of love and friendship. One awful but heartfelt conversation and a great snog isn’t going to fix that.

“I think so, it’s just-”

“You don’t need to explain yourself Ni, I’ll do whatever you ask.”

“I know, but you get it right? We can’t really go back to casual acquaintances and I can’t help keep thinking back to that engagement party…” And Niall takes a big breath in, pushes it out.

“You mean you keep thinking about Carolyn’s hands all over me and how you had to tell yourself it didn’t matter…”

“It shouldn’t have mattered, but it did, I just…”

“I was jealous of Lottie,” And Harry wanted to take it back but knew that he shouldn’t, he should tell the truth, “She was with you all night, dancing and laughing, and I know that she is just like a little sister to you, but I wanted to strangle her.” And it was true. Niall was definitely not alone in this feeling.

“Okay…” And Niall drags out the word over a long breath and Harry can see a bit of humor as well as understanding. He gets it; he knows what Niall is trying to say, what he means.

“So…date before or after my audition?”

“After, I have some work to finish up and that will give me time to track down the journals you want.” Niall isn’t tentative like earlier tonight. He’s a bit more confident, looking Harry in the eye, not letting himself waver.

“Can the date be here?” He asks as he looks around his house.

“I guess…” Niall drags out slowly trying to figure out what Harry is playing at.

“I just don’t really want to attempt a restaurant. If paps track me down then our date would be all weird. And sometimes I really just can’t completely relax when I’m out in public. This way I can cook for you.”

“Are you a better cook now?” Niall has to ask. Harry was always great at salads and smoothies, baking things, but not always the best at throwing together a full meal

“Better, but I bet you are still the grilling king.” And Harry doesn’t have to guess it because Niall was always an amazing cook on the grill. Niall nods at him

“Okay, it can be here, and you can cook for me. Just tell me when.” Niall’s voice gets soft at the end.

“Would you want to take me to the train station? You can drive me there and we can talk and it will all be in public so you don’t have to worry about me seducing you?” Harry offers and Niall laughs at him.

“Is that what happened here?” He waves a hand back to the sofa.

“Obviously.” Harry laughs with him and it feels good.

“I was just an innocent bystander.” Niall rocks back into his heels then forward again, shoving his hands into his front pocket.

“No, not innocent, you always play innocent but you’re not…” Niall looks down at his feet then back up at Harry through his lashes as he licks his lips. “See that’s proof.” And that look still does the same thing to him after _years._ This is how he knows that Niall’s _the one_.

And Niall just has to laugh a little bit again, softly as he leans into Harry. “So when is this audition and this ‘magical-life changing’ date?” He finally takes a couple steps away from the sofa starting to inch to the door.

“I don’t know, but soon, probably here in the next couple days so I’ll be gone over the weekend, few days at the most. Then if I make the cut I’ll be called back the next week most likely.” Harry doesn’t want to get ahead of himself with this movie, but he’s hopeful. He enjoyed working with the team last time and from what he understands it’s most of the same team.

“I’m sure it will go well, you’ve always been so good at everything you try, and you’ll get your part.” Niall tells him confidently and just that makes Harry feel, warm and just _good._ Harry follows him to the door.

“You didn’t bring a coat. Do you want to borrow one of mine? Or do you want me to drive you home? I can do that.” He offers eagerly.

“It’s only a few streets down, I don’t need you to drive me but I will take you up on that coat if you have one to spare?” When Harry grabs one from his entry closet he goes with the more basic coat, brown-grey suede with a warm fleece lining. It’s starting to cool down at nights, the October winds can be pretty chilly. Niall slips into it and it’s obviously too big for him but Harry loves how it looks on him. He used to love seeing Niall in his clothes, shirts to big, trackies too long. “To be honest I didn’t think I’d be staying this long.”

The sun has long since set and Harry has no idea what time it is. But the moon is partially full and big and bright in the sky, so it has to be later than he thought.

“I’m glad you did.” Niall takes a couple steps outside and Harry leans against the door frame because he can’t stop looking at him. He doesn’t want him to go, but he knows that right now it’s for the best. They need time to _settle._

“Me too,” Niall is looking down at his shoe where he’s kicking at a stone on the small entryway. “And you don’t have to worry. I’m giving you, _giving us_ , this chance. I won’t talk my way out of it. And you can email and text if you want to. If you annoy me I’ll let you know.”

“You never did have a problem letting me know. And thank you.”

“No more sorrys and no more thank yous, we’ll just see what happens.”

“Ok.” And because he doesn’t really want to stop himself he takes a quick step forward and presses his lips against Niall’s because it’s _allowed_. Or he thinks it is… he hopes it is.

Much like Niall’s kiss to him the other night, it’s quick and over before Niall even knows it.

“Bye, Ni.” He takes a hand and brushes it down the side of his face, one last touch to get him by.

“Good Night Haz.” And because he’s an emotional sop he stands at the front door and watches Niall walk down the path to the sidewalk. And just like Niall knows he’s there he turns around and gives a brief wave before tucking his hands into Harry’s jacket and walking out of view.

After he closes the door he leans against it and his knees give out as he sinks to the floor. He has always been spiritual, always believed in _something,_ but now more than anything he sends up thanks that Niall has a heart so big that he’s even willing to chance this. The safe thing would have been to say no, to walk away, to tell Harry to leave him alone and never see him again. And right now Harry is so glad that he kept trying. He’s so glad that he didn’t give up, because Niall is worth fighting for.

He’s not going to mess this up, he can’t.

He and Niall have been through enough…now it’s time that they get a little bit of happiness.  
\----


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always no beta so all mistakes are mine.

 

\----

It just after nine in the morning when he drags his arse out of bed and gets down to the kitchen to make himself some tea and toast.  He’s still trying to figure out if the night before last was a dream or a mistake.  If doing this –even thinking about it- is another chance at love or is he just opening up the door for more pain and misery.  There is a part of him that wants to take everything Harry said at his word, but another more tentative part of him that keeps whispering, be careful, be cautious, protect yourself.  He’s been protecting himself a long time, he doesn’t really know how to let his walls down, but last night was the closest he’d been in years.  He just doesn’t completely trust Harry yet, sure- he trusts what he says and more and more he’s trusting his actions.  But he doesn’t trust him not to break his heart again and that isn’t something that he can just change overnight.

 

 He’d stayed in yesterday, working on finishing up everything for the year, now that the golf season was mostly over.  He got everything sent off yesterday, so now if he wanted to work the rest of the year he could freelance as much or as little as he liked. 

 

Harry had sent him a couple texts and it was nothing pushy or annoying just something that just communicated that ‘hey I’m thinking of you.’  They text back and forth but left it at that and he knows that Harry is doing his best not push.  He knows that Harry would love to make some huge dramatic gesture of… something…he doesn’t even know but Harry has always liked big and bold.

 

So far this morning though, he has a missed call from Gemma and from Deo, his cousin who also works as his agent/manager.  He hadn’t really heard from Deo since the last week of the tournament, used to talking almost every day, but maybe he had something on the books.  Niall’s knowledge of sports was well versed and maybe he had something that wasn’t maybe golf related.

 

When he finally rings Deo up he does have a couple different jobs offers for him to look at, an MMA fighter wants him ringside to run his instagram while he fights and the Australian open wants to chat with him about running their snapchat in the upcoming year.  Once they get all the business out of the way, Deo pauses, and it is that uncomfortable pause that Niall recognizes.  The ‘manager’ tone, the same one that he had just a few weeks ago when they got a call from Harry’s camp.

 

“So what’s the deal with you and Harry?”  He finally asks.  And Deo was there for most of it. Deo went to the same college, with Niall and Harry, went through what he calls ‘the breakup’ with Niall.  He saw it all and walked by Niall’s side when he started playing professionally then convinced Niall he had the connections- the personality- to be on the press side.

 

“He’s moved back to London and he reached out...”  But Deo interrupts him right away.

 

“Mate, have you turned on your computer?  Checked your phone?  He followed you on Twitter and instagram last night.  It's like his fans are part of MI6 or something.  The Daily Mail and The Sun have old pictures from god knows when and an article saying that you guys are firing up your old romance.” 

 

“From a Twitter follow?”  Niall asks, awed.  He’s not all that worried about it, he has nothing to hide, but he doesn’t know whose Facebook account they could have traced.  It’s weird to think that people are interested in their history, their old pictures, in their old lives.  “Are the pics at least good ones?”  He asks, curious, wondering where the pictures came from.  When Harry had broken up with him, he and his family had purged a lot of the pics that were ‘relationship’ pics but his mom refused to take down graduation pics and other ‘family’ pictures that still Harry in it.  He didn’t blame her, but they were all at a loss assuming that Harry really just didn’t want to be associated with them.  That in a way he was turning his back on them.

 

 At the question Deo just laughs, for the most part his cousin is just as laid back as he is.  That helps with situations like these.  “Ya, most of them, I can’t believe how young you look; you have such a cherub face!” Deo laughs at him and Niall laughs along, “But seriously, what’s the deal?”

 

“I don’t know, mate.  I really don’t.  At Liam’s wedding in June, I was just like, ‘stay the fuck away from me,’ then he kept showing up and talking to me.  And I was like ‘what’s the point?’ and he was like, ‘I want you back in my life,’ and I’m just, no-then –maybe.  Then there was emails and flirting and it was strange but nice.  Then I’m just like ‘we can’t be friends there’s too much history it’s all or nothing’ and now I have no fucking clue.”  And that pretty much summed up everything from his whole day and night of thinking it over.  And he really feels bad for it pouring out like that be it couldn’t be helped.  He has no clue what he’s doing but he’s going to do his best to just relax, to not _think_ about it, but he can’t help it. 

 

He snogged his ex-boyfriend two nights ago.

 

And he’s still smiling about it today.  Something is wrong with him. Or right.   He doesn’t know anymore.

 

“Well just be careful.  I’m assuming the fever will die down a bit, but maybe just lay low?  On the flip side, you have like a half a million new followers on twitter.  But they may be a little disappointed when all you do is post about golf.”  And Niall can’t be more pleased that Deo can find the humor in the situation and when they ring off and now knowing what he knows he doesn’t really want to ring Gemma, but he does anyway.

 

“Nialler, when is dinner?”  Is how she greets him when she finally picks up.

 

“Uhm, I feel like this is a trick question, but usually in the evening...”  Is what he goes with because he’s at a loss as to what else to say, sometimes the bundle of energy that is Gemma does that to him.

 

“As in when are you, me, and Thomas meeting for dinner, or lunch, or hell I’ll even take brunch, I’m really not that picky, ya know?”  And he relaxes a bit because thank god this isn’t going to be the inquisition.

 

“What works for you?”  His schedule is pretty open.

 

“Well how about tomorrow? No, wait not tomorrow, the day after tomorrow.  Let’s do that.  You are back for good right?”  She asks.

 

“Yeah,” They make plans to meet and then he rings off.  He clicks on his twitter and he can see a lot of mentions, his name is everywhere, more than he’s used to but he does a quick search for Harry, finding the verified account.  He clicks the follow button, because if he’s in for a penny he’s in for the pound.

 

The only conversation that he’s had with Harry is the text messages that they had sent back and forth yesterday.  The last one had been one asking him if he’s still interested in taking him to the train station, he has to leave this afternoon. 

 

Nervousness sits in his belly, he doesn’t feel ready to see him again, but on the other side he wants to. He wants to make sure the other night wasn’t a dream, he may not have asked Harry about it, but he heard it when Harry said he was still in love with him, that he had never gotten over him. 

_Harry_ had never gotten over _Niall,_ plain, boring, normal Niall.  He almost can’t believe it, but he knows Harry’s tells or used to anyway. Harry is as bad of liar as Niall is.  It is just part of the reason honesty was so easy with them, but they never really had anything to hide from each other back then.  He can’t say the same now.

 

Harry had been waiting to see when he would actually have to be down to the train station.  Apparently he uses public transit pretty regularly and he really doesn’t get noticed unless someone really calls attention to it. Niall had gone back and forth about taking him to the station but the fact of the matter was it would probably be good to spend small doses of time with him, in public. 

 

He feels like a teenager with a crush and it definitely doesn’t help that Harry’s emotions are just out there for everyone to see.  For him to see.

 

He’d text back that yeah, he’ll take him to the station and it was barely a minute and he had gotten a text back from Harry with the time.  Considering that he is up this early it gives him plenty of time to get to the gym, workout, and get back home to shower.  But after all that is done he still has a bit of time to kill.

 

 

 

He can’t help but think back to the conversation they had, back to the journals Harry was asking about.  Back when they broke up, Anne had come over, helped Niall pack the apartment to send things to Harry in LA, she’d left a lot of things behind and there were some things that he hid from her.   There were a lot of things that he didn’t want to send to Harry, things that were _theirs._ And he had thought that since Harry was done with him he wouldn’t have wanted those things. He doesn’t even think Anne knew about some of them, but he stashed them away in separate boxes, labeled them just with the year, and taped them up.  Those boxes moved with him three times, finally settling into the attic in this house.  He’d never opened the boxes, never looked in them again kept them all sealed up but they were there, always there.    He has time, so he pulls down the ladder and climbs up, moving the door to get into the attic storage. 

 

There are only five boxes and he knows he’s not ready to go through them all.  He doesn’t even remember everything that he put in them so he just grabs the closest one and slides it down the ladder before putting the attic door back into place. 

 

He sits on the floor right in the hallway and peels the tape back, part of him just wants to take the whole thing to Harry, but on the other side he doesn’t want Harry to know that he kept literally _everything._ He pulls off the lid and breathes a sigh of relief because at least he grabbed one that had a couple journals in it.   But there are other things too.  There’s a mug wrapped in newspaper, one that Harry had made with his photo on it.  A concert shirt from a Fleetwood Mac concert, is folded up, was white, now turning yellow.  And picture frames, lots and lots of pictures, the top one of them is a candid of them, it’s from when Harry’s hair was long, tucked up in  a bun, he has a faux fur vest on that Niall used to love to touch, he’s tucked into Harry’s side and he’s saying something into Harry’s ear.

 

He grabs the journals and puts the lid on the box, nope- he can’t do it.   Or maybe he just doesn't want to do it- at least by himself… now there's a thought, maybe?  Maybe he didn’t have to do this alone, maybe Harry would want just more than the journals?

 

The journals are brown; leather covers the way that Harry loved them, inked doodles on the front.  The pages are wrinkled, some from use and some from spilt tea.  He pages through it seeing a couple lines here or there that are familiar.

_Who’s that shadow holding me hostage I’ve been here for days_

_Nobody knows you the way I do baby the way I do…. maybe we’re fireproof_

 

They’re incomplete, just lines and random thoughts put onto paper with notes of chords and progressions and when he reads that last one he feels the ache in his chest… they used to think they were fireproof.  Then Harry changed his mind.

 

And he had to stop thinking that way, he knows it’s going to be hard to not think about it, but if they are going to _try,_ then he can’t throw Harry leaving in his face every time they have an issue, every time he becomes insecure.

 

Niall takes a quick peek in the mirror, brushed the dust off his hands and then heads out the door.  He throws the journals on the passenger seat wondering what the hell he’s really doing as he drives back to Harry’s. 

 

It’s been almost 48 hours since the last time he showed up on his door, but this already is different.  He doesn’t know what to expect, when Harry opens the door, does he expect a handshake, a hug, a kiss? Just what the fuck?

 

He’s works himself up to a full blown nervous mess but he knocks on Harry’s door anyway, waits for the curly haired lad to answer.

 

“Niall, you’re early.”   But he looks overjoyed to see him, eyes bright, smile wide, his whole face is glowing.  Niall looks at his phone realizing he’s still almost a full hour early.  _Fuck,_ he’s such an idiot.

 

“I can come back? I wasn’t really paying attention to the time.”  That’s when he finally takes a good look at Harry, just in track shorts, _small_ track shorts, no shirt, and his chest glistening with sweat.   His legs are really long and _damn,_ his thighs are thick, muscular and he can’t stop looking at that damn butterfly on his stomach, the muscles in his abdominals, so defined.  He’s so fit, so easy to look at and then his eyes are dragging down to the laurels on his hips and, that boy needs to pull up his shorts…  “Sorry what did you say?”  Niall asks when he realizes Harry has been talking the entire time.

 

“I just said I finished my workout. Come in.”  Harry has a certain amount of glee written all over his face and Niall knows that he’s not going to be able to play that off as anything other than what it was… him ogling Harry.  So instead he pushes the journals out in front of him as he walks in the door, shutting it behind him.

 

“Here.”  And Harry must recognize them right away, because he smiles and reaches for them, opening the first pages and reverently running a finger down the page.  And shit, it’s like he’s opened the flood gates he can’t stop looking at Harry and thinking _things_.  He remembers those fingers, long and thick, how they would play on his body, how they know him inside and out.  His hands look larger than they used to and it’s not hard to imagine, both their bodies had changed a lot in the last four years.  But now instead of ignoring it, like before, now Niall is trying to catalog every change.

 

“There are more right?  We had so many.”  He starts humming a tune that seems familiar to Niall and he realizes that the tunes are coming back to Harry as quick as they were coming back to him.  Harry’s eyes look soft and wet when he looks back up at Niall, “Thank you.”  His smile is gentle and fond, “I’m going to kiss you now, is that ok?”  The asking of permission is new, unconfident and it’s nice to know that Harry’s as unsure as Niall is about this, but he misses the confidence that he would always carry; he wore it so well.  Harry steps a little closer and Niall can smell his sweat, and he can’t help but question whether or not it’s weird that it’s something he remembers?

 

He nods and Harry takes two quick steps in close, drops the journals on the entryway bench, licks his lips, puts his hands on Niall’s hips and then gently presses his lips to Niall’s. 

 

When Harry’s lips press on his, all his thoughts- his brain just goes quiet, all those nerves and all those fears just disappear and he lifts his hands to Harry’s face, keeping him in place as their lips brush then pull away, just to press against each other again, and when Harry licks at his lips he grants him entry, deepening the kiss, kissing him back and losing his breath.

 

Kissing Harry has always been heart stopping, is like he loses all awareness of everything but them, Harry’s body pressed into his just makes his mind melt and his body boneless.

 

But he only lets it go for a bit before pulling away dropping his hands to Harry’s broad shoulders and then drops his forehead to his collarbone.  One thumb brushes across the swallow there, tracing the word BLACK on his left shoulder, he drops his other hand to brush on his right forearm, there is a new tattoo there, one he doesn’t recognize and when he looks down he thinks he sees another on his thigh, he wants to discover all of them.

 

 “You ok?”  Harry’s voice is soft in his ear but he can hear the concern there, part of him feels guilty because he has a feeling that Harry is going to say that often, a check in with Niall to see where he’s at.  But the other part of his is relieved.  _His pace,_ Harry said and he’s obviously trying.

 

“Yeah, just overwhelmed a bit, not bad.”  He takes a step back, Harry’s hair grew quite a bit while Niall was gone, and he has the top part pulled up in a ponytail-like attempt and Niall runs a hand over it, pulling on it slightly.

 

“Thank you.”  He whispers, they’re still standing awfully close to one another and Niall fights the urge to step in closer to his warmth.  All those thoughts and doubts from this morning are fading and he has to keep telling himself that he really isn’t going to rush into this.  He’s still not really in control of all his emotions around Harry.

 

“The journals or the kiss?”  He sounds out of breath and the smile on Harry’s face shows that he loves it.  Both of them used to love the way the effected each other, but now Niall just needs to get used to it being ok.

 

“Both.”  He steps back from Niall slowly, “So I need to go shower and get ready to go, do you want to go and watch telly a bit in the other room and then we can go?”

 

“Yeah, I can do that.”  Harry nods, sneaks in for a kiss pressed to his forehead then dashes up the stairs to get ready.  Niall heads back to the living room. 

 

When he walks in he’s hit by the memories of just a couple days ago?  Harry climbing in his lap, crying, and he knows they’re slowly getting better now.  He’s not sure if it was while he was gone and they were emailing or if it was because of their conversation the other night, but he’s so much more comfortable around Harry.  So much of the anger and resentment is gone.  He can't explain it but he feels like he _knows_ Harry again. 

 

He still remembers the absolute anxiety he had every time he sat down to write an email.  He spent hours thinking of what he needed to say. He never wanted to lead Harry on,  but at that point he couldn't lie to himself either.  He wanted Harry’s attention, he wanted to talk,  and it took Harrys email that reminded him of his promise to make him realize that he wasn't ready to give it up and throw in the towel.  He had always said that he didn't hate Harry and that he'd forgiven him- or was time to practice what he had preached.

 

He knows that Harry is hopeful, cheerfully optimistic of them and the fact that they may have a future together…and right now, standing here, he feels just a little bit of that too.

\----

 

“What the hell H?  Why didn’t you tell me that things were good with the Nialler?”  Harry rolls his eyes as he finishes changing into his clothes for the audition, debating on how high to button his shirt.  If it was just him he would only do the bottom three, but should he look more professional? He could do one more, that way his butterfly is covered?  Maybe?  He hates being nervous about shit like this.

 

“Because they aren’t _good_ … it’s… progressing?”  He doesn’t really know what to say.  They’ve exchanged a few texts and a call that was cut short, since he’s arrived here on the outskirts of Paris.  Once he got off the train it was all business, straight to the hotel a meeting about the movie, then sleep and now he's getting ready to meet with Christopher Nolan and the casting director.

 

“He’s kissing you at the train station, that’s good.”  Louis says, “There’s a pic of it on the Daily Mails’ snapchat.”  And _shit…_ would Niall be pissed at that?  He doesn’t know, he really shouldn’t have done that, but he couldn’t help himself.  Should he ask about it or should he let Niall tell him?  He’s trying to give Niall all the control, but he doesn’t exactly know how to do that.  He doesn’t want to push, doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable but Niall wasn’t always the best communicator.  He was never really good at telling Harry what he wanted, always wanting to put Harry first.

 

“Well to be honest, he was dropping me off and when I went to leave I had to say good-bye.”  Truth being said he had tried to walk away from that car, but then he had turned around and as he had walked back Niall had rolled down his window.

_“Did you forget something?”  Niall had looked over to the passenger seat where he had been sitting but instead he just reached a hand in the window, turned Niall’s face and kissed him.  Niall’s mouth opened in surprise and Harry just swallowed his gasp down as he licked into Niall’s mouth and all he wanted to do was press in closer, have Niall’s solid arm around his waist but the damn car was in the way.  And it doesn’t matter how close they are, kissing Niall still steals his breath, warms his heart, and sends his blood straight south to his cock._

_“Just forgot to kiss you good-bye. That okay?”  He asks, and he loves how Niall looks all stunned, cheeks covered in a blush, lips red and wet, eyes wide and blue.  He wants to kiss him again, now, and not leave, just stay right here, snogging Niall in his car until the end of time…but that’s just not practical._

_Niall nods, “Yeah, that’s great, fine… I mean, okay?”  And now he’s blushing for another reason, but Harry loves all of Niall’s blushes._

_“I’ll see you soon.”_

_“Yeah, soon.”  And as Harry walks away he keeps looking back, but Niall’s still there, and he’s pretty sure Niall watches him until he’s out of sight._

 

It’s a pleasant- very pleasant memory.

 

“But it’s progressing?”  Louis asks and in a way now that Harry’s gotten to this point he doesn’t want to talk about it, he wants to keep it private between him and Niall.  But Louis has been fighting for him this whole time, on his side, doing his best to make Harry see the other side, tell him the damage he caused, let him know that there is a lot to _fix._

 

“Yeah, I just- I just can’t believe he’s letting me in.”  Harry just huffs out.  That’s the amazing part.  He knows that he hurt Niall.  He knows that Niall is afraid.  In a way he can’t believe that Niall is strong enough to open himself up again to that kind of hurt.

 

“He is one of the best people you’ll ever meet.  Heart as big as the ocean, but you too H, your heart is just as fucking huge.  You’re risking a lot too, to come back and fight for this.  Both of you are being pretty damn brave.”  And that’s why Tommo knows all the gossip, because he has such a way of putting everything in perspective, such a great person to talk to.  Even if he is sometimes a snarky twat.

 

“Doesn’t seem like it.  Seems like I’m just coming back to prove what an idiot I was to begin with.”  He gels back his hair quick before walking out the hotel room and heading to the lobby.  The car should be by to pick him up shortly if it’s not here already.

 

“That too.  Hey I got to go, Freddie’s too quiet and it’s not naptime.  I’ll ring ya back later.”  Freddie was a great kid, but really just starting to discover his feet and could be quite mischievous -just like his da.

 

“K,” Then he’s on his own, on his way to his audition.  He studies the scenery as it flies by Paris is lovely, always has been and Harry can’t help but fall a little bit more in love with it every time he comes. 

 

He about to get out of the car when his phone dings, he looks down and it’s a text from Niall.

**Good Luck**

 

He’s smiling as he powers his phone off. 

 

It goes well, so well that he can’t help but call Niall from the car the second he gets in it.  He just feels the need to share his excitement with someone. He doesn’t get an answer so he calls Gemma instead.

 

“Hey, bug! Can I call you back?  Thomas and I are out to dinner with Niall. ” And it just warms his heart because he loves the fact that Gemma feels like she can tell him that now.  That she doesn’t feel the need to hide it or not answer the phone, like he knows that she had done in the past.  He feels like he and Niall aren’t the only ones healing, that all of them are, his whole ‘family.’ 

 

“Is he there? Can I talk to him?”  He asks because he just really wants to share his excitement with someone and Niall is first on his mind even when on the phone with his sister.

 

“No he just ran to the loo, so I guess you’re stuck with me.”  He voice as always edged with humor as well as sarcasm.

 

“Don’t say it like that, my audition just went really really well and I’d love to talk to you about it.”  Well obviously he just wants to talk to someone about it.  He's buzzing.

 

“Or Niall apparently because you asked to talk to him first.” Gemma has always been a pro at giving him a hard time , “How about you call me tomorrow so you can tell me all about it then. I’m sure Niall will call you back tonight. We'll be finished up soon.” She tells him, it's amazing how she gets it,  gets _him._

 

“Okay, that works too, love ya sis.”  They ring off  and when he looks down he realizes that he has a text from Niall waiting.

**Out with gems, did it go good?** And he smiles because of course Niall knows why he called he'd even remembered the time,  that good luck text meant  a lot to Harry, so much so that he really can’t explain it. It just helps to give him that boost of confidence that he needed.

**Yes**

 

It takes seconds for his phone to ring and then Niall’s on the other end, and he can’t stop himself, “Hi.”  He drawls it out slow and soft because Niall called him back, he’s out with Harry’s sister, probably hiding in the loo, or somewhere else just to call him back.

 

“Hey, so I can’t really talk but I wanted to call because” and Harry smiles when he pauses because he gets it, “Well I really don’t know why I called you back when I can’t really talk to you.  That was dumb.”  Is what Niall ends up going with and Harry can help but smile a bit and let out a chuckle, dropping his head to the glass he looks out the window watching the scenery move by, traffic is slow but Harry doesn’t mind.  It just gives him more time to absorb this feeling.   

 

“Thank you for calling. I- just thanks,” Harry feels the need to whisper, “But, Ni, it- it went so well, and at first I was nervous because there was a different casting director and I have never met her before.  But everyone is almost the same and Tom Hardy might be on this project again.  Oh-Oh and they are thinking of bringing in Emma Watson, _Emma Watson,_ Ni!  And how is this my life?  Just how?”  And he doesn’t know how long he’s been rambling but Niall’s laughing softly.  Harry is just so glad that they are finally at a point where they can, _want,_ to share things with each other.  

 

“I’m proud of you, pet.”  Harry’s heart soars.

 

“Thank you, go eat your dinner, call me back when you’re done.  And thank you for, ya know, calling me back when you didn’t have to.”  He’s so excited he can’t sit still, it felt good really good, and while it’s not for sure yet, he knows he’s pretty damn close.

 

“I’ll call you back when I leave.”

 

“Okay, bye.” He leans against the back seat of the car and smiles.  Because it’s a damn good question.  How is this his life?  He has an another amazing acting gig coming to fruition, studio time booked, and the love of his life not only just talking to him again, but letting him call him, touch him, kiss him.

 

This is the best he’s been in ages.

 

He calls his mum and she is just as excited as he is.  She really can’t contain her excitement but she never really tried all that much.  She has always been so proud of her babies. 

 

“How about I pick you up from the train and you, me, and Robin go out to that place you like, the Mediterranean café with the drinks you like.”  And Harry just pauses because yes, he wants to do that but… but Niall is picking him up and right now the little things like that feel important, he knows down the road, Niall won’t care if his mum or him picks up him up, may not care now even, but Harry doesn’t want to take the risk of hurting him in even the most minor of way.  Sometimes the things like this mean so much more in the beginning.

 

They haven’t even really talked about it.  What they’re doing, what they are to each other now.  He knows it has to be driving Niall insane, he just likes to _know._ He knows that Niall probably wants to take things slow, be in control, not rush things; that’s why Harry told him that they could go at his pace.  Most likely Niall’s trying to avoid getting snogged again on Harry’s couch, because –yeah- he could do that all day and all night.  He didn’t even mean for that night to happen?  To end up like that…

 

But it was good, better than he remembered, but the scary thing is that Niall is in control.  They aren’t dating yet, at any point in time, Niall can turn tail and run.  And he doesn’t want to scare Niall more than he already is.  It’s not like he doesn’t get it, he’s scared to for an entirely different reason, he’s scared he’s going to gamble and end up losing it all.

 

“I think Ni was going to pick me up Mum.”  And it’s comes out as whisper because he never really talked to his mom about this.   About him trying to fix things with Niall, the last time they talked about it was after the rehearsal dinner when she was so happy just to see her boys talking.

 

“Well then he can come too.”  She replies and she speaks softly mirrors Harry’s tone, “Are you and he…”  And she doesn’t finish and Harry guesses it’s because she’s not quite sure what she’s asking.

 

“He’s talking to me, and we hashed out some things.”  That might be a way to say it he guesses, nothing about that conversation the other night _felt_ good.  Did they both benefit from it, yeah, definitely, is there more insight there than before, yes and he’s grateful now that everything isn’t second hand.  He loves that all his information isn’t being filtered through Gemma, Liam, and more recently Louis.

 

“Did you tell him you were an idiot for leaving him?”  Anne asked and Harry wants to laugh but there is no laughter in his mum’s tone.

 

“I told him I regret it, that I made mistakes, and he’s part of the reason I’m back.  I told him I never got over him and I still love him and I’m scared to death that I’m going to scare him away, but I didn’t tell him that part because obviously…” he didn’t want to scare him away, the amount of emotion that he has for Niall is ridiculously large and scares him, so he’s sure that it would scare Niall even more.

 

“Truth be told baby, I don’t think he ever got over you either. You boys always had such a special bond; I’ve never seen anything like it. So call your boy, see if he wants to do dinner when you get back and text me.  Either way we have a reason to celebrate.”

 

“I love you Mummy.”  And he does, he loves her so much and the fact that she just asks hard questions and accepts that he doesn’t always have an answer for her.  His mum is truly an angel on earth.

 

When Niall calls back, he can obviously tell that Harry is more subdued.   He’s not really doing it on purpose, not really.  It’s just when he was in that car, talking to his mum, the reality of everything hit him- Niall truly can run at any given moment, any time he feels too scared, too overwhelmed. Now Harry regrets promising to Niall that if it failed, Niall could have the nothing that he wanted.  What if Niall didn’t really think about it, what if today he realized that this was going to be their lives, Niall traveling for sports, Harry travelling for music and movies, what if Niall doesn’t want that?  What if being with Harry is too challenging for him now?

 

They are both jet setting all over the globe and this, talking on the phone, texting, skype-ing, they are going to have to use it all to make it work. Not just use it though; they are going to have to be good at it- work for it. What if Niall figures this out, what if Niall gives up and just decides it’s not worth it, it always so much easier to call it off in the beginning.

 

“Harry?”  Niall’s voice is soft and sleepy.  He’s sure that he had some pints with dinner and it _is_ late.  He doesn’t even remember what they are talking about; they talked about his auditions, where he was staying, did he eat dinner?  What was the last thing they talked about now?  Now all his head is full of _oh god,_ how are they going to make this work?  Because he wants it to work, he wants it so bad, because they are so good for each other.

 

“You aren’t ready to give up, not yet right?”   And he hates how shaky he sounds on the phone, how his voice sends his insecurities over the airwaves.

 

“What do you mean?”  Niall asks, he doesn’t sound upset, just curious, “What’s going through your head, Haz?”

 

“It’s just a lot isn’t it?  The travelling that I’m going to have to do with this movie?  Its, it’s a lot to handle right?”  And he doesn’t really know what to think when Niall laughs softly, but it makes him perk up because it doesn’t sound callous or mean.

 

“You just put up with me being gone for almost two straight months because of golf, where email was your only form of communication.  And you think I’m giving up because you’re gone for four days for an audition? What brought this on?  Are you ready to give up?”   Niall asks.

 

“What? No?”   Because the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind, he’s never going to give up on Niall- ever.  Hasn’t he proven that yet?

 

“Then don’t worry about it.”  Niall’s voice dials down a notch when he continues, “I promised you a chance, a real solid chance, if I run now you’ll never leave me alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know what the hell we’re doing here and I don’t even know where to start, but we’re at least on the same page right?”  And Harry just breathes a sigh of relief because okay, that’s good, that’s really good.

 

“So how do you feel about dinner with my parents?”  Harry throws out there, he keeps biting his lip and it’s going to be chapped tomorrow but it’s a nervous tendency.  One he seems to have a lot around Niall these days.

 

“Well it’s not really very intimidating or scary considering I’ve known them most of my life, if that’s what you’re asking.”  His tone is light and Harry appreciates the way he tries to get the conversation into something more humorous, less stressful- Harry’s ready for everything to be less stressful.

 

“What?  No, I mean the day after tomorrow.  When I come back? Do you want to do dinner with my parents?”  He can’t help but laugh a little.  He wants to laugh more with Niall, get away from this knife edge of emotion that they always seem to be walking on.  He just wants to be confident in _them._

 

“Oh, sure?” and it comes out unsure.

 

“Okay, it’s not like crazy or anything.  Mum just wants to celebrate.  It won’t be like when Maura and Bobby sat me down and asked me what my intentions were with you when I was 16.”  _Oh God_ that had been so embarrassing.  All Harry knew at that time was he didn’t like Niall kissing other boys when he could be kissing Harry instead.  They were barely boyfriends at the time.

 

“Oh my god!  I forgot about that, you were scared of Bobby for weeks.”  Niall can’t seem to stop his laughter, but he really doesn’t mind that Niall is laughing at him- as long as Niall’s laughing.

 

“For weeks?  I’m still scared of Bobby, it’s why I was always on my best behavior at your house.” 

 

“So that’s why we never shagged in my room?”  Niall still laughing and Harry can’t help but laugh too.  Back then they had no problem snogging on the couch when they were alone or in Niall’s room but he could never take it farther than that convinced that Bobby could hear them… that he would somehow just _know._

 

“That may have been part of it.”  Harry told him, it’s amazing the things you think when you’re a kid.

 

“He’s a big ol’ teddy bear, you know that.  He’s all bark and no bite.”  But it had been enough to intimidate him anyway.

 

“Maybe I know that now…”  Harry drags out, “But my parents were just a little more chill about it.  I remember my mum buying me that first box of condoms and god that was embarrassing enough.”

 

“I think what was more embarrassing was having Gemma walk in on us in just our pants watching porn, that was totally worse.”  Niall can barely say it with how hard he’s laughing.

 

And, oh god, it was true, that was way up there for all three of them, Niall and Harry not even under the sheets, mostly naked, trying to figure out between the real of themselves and the unreal of porn how this shagging thing was going to work.  They all decided to never talk about it again.

 

“I don’t know… our first time was pretty embarrassing for me.”  Harry tells him, even though the memory is really a fond one.  Both of them overly eager, using way too much lube, both scared of Niall being hurt in the process, making a mess on the sheets, and Harry coming way too quick.  Granted he’d still gotten him off with his mouth afterwards but he’s still lasted not even five minutes.

 

“Well… it could have been worse,” Niall starts.

 

“Don’t even finish that sentence,” Harry interrupts, cutting him off before he goes any further, because he doesn’t want to think of all the ways it could have been worse.

 

“But it got much better.”  Niall responds and his voice is huskier, darker and Harry can’t help but wonder what he is thinking about.  Because their sex life was great once they got it down, it took practice, but they knew each other’s bodies inside and out, they knew how to drag it out or get each other off quick if that was what they wanted.   And if they ever got to that point again, Harry can’t help but think that the self-control, the experience he has now would make it so much better, and being with Niall, someone he loves, that’s really what makes it the best.

 

“It did, it was pretty amazing,”  And Harry is sitting in his hotel room on the edge of his bed in his pants, talking to Niall with a soppy grin on his face… this…this is what Niall does to him.

 

“So dinner… with Anne and Robin?  You still want me to pick you up?”  Harry’s not sure how long the pause was, it seemed like both of them were thinking the same things but they aren’t quite ready to talk about it yet.

 

“Yeah, I was thinking we could go straight to dinner, it would be a little early, I think I get in at 4:30, but then afterwards you could just drop me off at my house.”     

 

“Or you could come to mine?”  Niall sounds hesitant now in the way that Harry did earlier.

 

“Or that.  What are you thinking?”  Harry has to ask because he knows that sometimes Niall’s not always great at asking what he wants or what he needs.

 

“So I took down the boxes that had the journals in them, I have them in my spare room, but there is other stuff in there too, and I was… after you left… I just…”  He’s stuttering and losing momentum and Harry doesn’t want that because this feels like it could be important to him.

 

“Hey, try again babe.”  He says it with a gentle tone.

 

“So I didn’t ship you a bunch of stuff that was ‘ours.’  And I… it’s still it here and I don’t know what you want so maybe we could look through it together?”  He ends it with a big sigh.

 

“Of course, I would love to.”  And Harry wonders what treasures Niall has.  They had over four years of relationship to collect ‘our’ stuff and Harry really can’t wait to see what’s there.   “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”  Harry asks then wants to bite his tongue because he shouldn’t be second guessing Niall; he should just trust him and go with the flow.

 

“I think so?”  And he sounds unsure.

 

“Talk to me, Ni.”

 

“There’s just a lot of stuff in there and I didn’t realize that I kept all this shit and some of its nothing but I don’t want to go through it by myself.  I started to but…”  Harry can’t help but think that Niall sounds a little embarrassed and that’s the last thing he wants.

 

“No offense Niall but you would have been completely justified to burn all my shit instead of send it to me.  I’m grateful you kept anything and maybe this is a way to remember all the good things, where the other night we had to deal with all the shitty things, now we can remember happier times.”  It’s true, he’s ready to remember the good times with Niall, maybe even show him what they could be again.

 

“I-okay- I like that thought process,” Niall’s voice seems stronger, more confident.  “So, I’ll pick you up at 4:30 then to dinner…”

 

“Do you like Mediterranean?”  Harry interrupts

 

“I like food- all food.”  Is what Niall replies with; Harry can hear his smile.

 

“Ahh, so you still eat like a teenager?”  Harry asks remembering the take-out orders of crazy amounts of Thai food and pizza.

 

“A healthier teenager but my metabolism hasn’t slowed down yet if that’s what you’re asking.  But I’ll find something to eat, then after dinner, my place and then I take you home.”

 

Harry wants to say something soppy, like _you are my home,_ or _I can just stay with you_ but instead he goes with “Sounds like a plan to me.”

 

“Then I’ll see you later.”  There’s a long pause and then, “Good Night, Haz.”

 

“Good night Ni.”

**\----**

 

It’s still a little strange, knowing that he’s here to get Harry.  It’s been almost a full five months since Harry walked back into his life.  He’s still not sure what to do with him, how to control all the emotions that come alive when he’s around.  But the ache in his chest is smaller, he finds it easier to breathe but he still doesn’t know what his own endgame is.  Is his goal to try to make a real relationship work?  That’s what it should be right?

 

He doesn’t want to string Harry along, but right now he can’t say if he’ll ever be able to completely trust Harry again, but the one thing he does know is that he would spend the rest of his life wondering _‘what if’_ and that is not something he’s okay with.

 

He wants to live his life without regrets.  He knows that he would regret not giving Harry, _them_ this chance.  He’d done a lot of think while he was in the states, emailing back and forth and he did get a lot of the answers he wanted the night they ended up both crying then snogging on Harry’s sofa.

 

It’s strange, because he doesn’t have a plan, doesn’t really have his own agenda, and it’s new for the first time in his life.  And it’s he doesn’t trust Harry yet, but he does trust him in the fact that it is his pace.  Niall started the hard conversation last week, he asked for- wanted it out of the way.  And ok- he hadn’t asked for the kiss, well kisses, but he hadn’t stopped him either, hadn’t told him to stop, and if he was honest with himself, he didn’t want Harry to stop even when he did.

 

When Harry did stop them, the foundations of trust just got stronger.   

 

The thing that he really noticed is when he got back from the golf tour, he’s attraction to Harry was back.  It’s not like he had forgotten how good looking the other lad was but it was over shadowed by the anger and resentment.  Once that started to disappear he started to remember the good things, and one of the best was how they always had been attracted to each other.  Harry’s touch, Harry’s kisses, could always make him shiver. 

 

And he’s still a little bit afraid of that, but he wants it too.  The other night, he could have easily fallen into bed with Harry- it would have been amazing too.  Now he’s just wondering if that is causing more stress.  Maybe they should just get the shagging out of the way.

 

But he trusted Harry when Harry said he should go home and it was the smarter move.

 

So here he is, at the train station, leaning against his car, snapback pulled low over his forehead.  After the last time, when the pictures of them exploded online, he figures that he should be careful.  He doesn’t really mind the attention, finds it easy to ignore, but he knows that Harry’s management has issues with it, issues with him and while he hasn’t heard from them since he was in the States on the PGA tour he doesn’t really want to have to deal with that again.

 

But the fact of the matter is that the masses are enamored with his ex- should he even still be calling him that?  What are they calling each other, friends?  Are they a _thing_ now?

 

He shakes his head, he’s thinking about it too hard again… he just needs to roll with it and if things start feeling weird or uncomfortable, he needs to get back control, _his pace,_ Harry promised.

 

He pulls out his phone checking the time and scrolling through his social media accounts trying to keep his head down because he’s been recognized a few times now on his own and it’s different.  This will be the only the second time they have been in public together and he knows some of his fans will go to extremes to get in contact with Harry.  He knew that Gemma and Anne has had to deal with quite a bit in the past, even Anne having own iCloud hacked.

 

He hears the foot traffic pick up and figures Harry should be here any minute.  Looking to the corner of his phone, he’s grateful that the train was on time, it’s just now almost five.  Its then that he feels someone standing in front of him, blocking the autumn’s sun that is starting to set quicker than he would like.  When he looks above the top of his phone, all he sees are black boots with a silver buckle and he smiles because of course.

 

“You’re wearing my hoodie.”  Is the first thing Harry says though and Niall didn’t even really realize it, okay that’s a lie, but yeah, he had grabbed the Packers hoodie from his entry way that he’s had forever and most of his were in the wash and well, it was there and comfy.

 

“Yeah, wanted to make sure I remember to give it back to you.”  Is what he goes with though so it doesn’t sound so…soppy, “How do you look like a broke uni student when you’re wearing Gucci shoes?”  Niall asks laughing.  Harry has a pair of sunglasses in his hair with his grey hoodie pulled up over his very recognizable hair.

 

“It’s an aesthetic Niall… it’s my look.”  He says with smile.

 

“Yeah, I thought your look was crazy patterned shirts barely buttoned to show off your nips?”  And fuck, he just revealed a lot of information, because Niall hasn’t seen him dressed like that in person in years but he’s seen in online, on YouTube videos of his concerts, and all the rag magazines in the grocery store checkout.

 

“I can have more than one look.” And he avoids looking at Harry because, he really doesn’t want to see how smug he looks right now, because smug is actually a really good look on Harry, it doesn’t matter thought he can still feel his blush reddening his checks.

 

Niall takes the small piece of luggage from Harry and throws it in the boot of his car, before grabbing the bag Harry has on his shoulder and putting it in the back seat. 

 

“I’m sure you think you can pull off any look.”  He deflects hoping that Harry will ignore what he said previously and it looks like today Harry is going to roll with it. 

 

When he finally looks over his shoulder as he closes the door, Harry’s green gaze is locked firmly on his arse.  He can’t help but shake his head as he turns around and Harry’s eyes snap up to his.  Harry grabs the bill of his snapback and takes it off his head to run his fingers through Niall’s hair. He takes a couple steps closer to him, lays a gentle hand on his waist.  Harry always loved to touch and be in his space, it’s comforting that some things will never change.

 

“Do I get a hug, a kiss, a something?”  Harry asks and he looks a little hesitant and it throws Niall because he is not used to seeing it.  He also really doesn’t like it.

 

“I-uh- I wasn’t sure how you wanted to handle that- because like –I didn’t know if you talked to your – Jeff?  It’s Jeff right?  And we hadn’t really talked about it- so…”  Niall just stops talking because he sounds like a complete idiot, but Harry’s smile grows and he just steps all the way into Niall’s space, leaning down and wrapping his arms around his waist pulling him up and into a hug.  Niall goes easily up to his toes, wrapping his arms up and over Harry’s shoulder.  He can’t help but echo Harry’s smile as he presses a kiss to his cheekbone.

 

“Hey.”  Harry mumbles into his neck and it’s nice to know that Harry is as unsteady about this as he is.

 

“Hey.”  He whispers back, “Let’s go get some food, yeah?”

 

It should be odd sitting down to a family dinner with Robin and Anne, but it’s not, just like a lot of the other things just feel right and familiar with Harry, this is another one of those things.  It’s obvious that they feel the same way too, there is no lull in conversation, no awkward silences, and it’s one of the first times that Niall has noticed that no one is scared to bring up the past.

 

It’s nice in a way that Niall hasn’t had in so long.

 

There was the way that Harry walked with him into the restaurant, large hand splayed across his lower back, guiding him in the subtle way that they picked back up like magic.

 

It’s nice in the way Harry pulled out his chair, and then moved his own chair closer.

 

There was the way that he leaned over the menu, giving Niall his recommendations, knowing his loved of grilled meats and other certain vegetables and spice that he would need to avoid so that his acid reflux wouldn’t flare up.

 

It’s nice in the way that Harry won’t let go of his right hand, fingers laced together under the table.

 

The way he orders a dessert for them to share.

 

They end up spending much more time there then they thought they would, but the wine and the food just kept coming and Anne just couldn’t stop smiling every time Harry would lean over and whisper something in his ear.

 

It was sweet- her love of the two of them together but Niall can feel the heavy weight of her hope as well.  Her hope was always that they would find happiness together instead of apart.   It wasn’t that his mum didn’t feel the same way, but she was angry- so angry- when it happened.  He’d rarely seen his mum that mad.

 

It was Niall that had to convince her that she and Anne could still be friends, that Bobby and Robin could still have a few pints together.  It wasn’t even until that first neighborhood grill-out that Niall had come back for, that he had gone over to Anne and Robin’s, and shown his parents that it was okay.  Harry was close to Bobby more than Maura and Niall didn’t know if Harry ever reached out to them.  If he did he didn’t know about it.  Niall had never wanted to create the rift in the families- that was until he found out that Harry was going to Liam’s wedding.  Then he wanted a rift that was a mile wide between them.   It didn’t work out the way he had thought- he’s starting to realize that’s a good thing.

 

“You okay?”  Harry asks him, hand squeezing tight and he looks over at him.  Anne had just run off to the loo, and Harry was sneakily paying for the check.

 

“Just thinking.”

 

“It didn’t look good.”  Harry tells him and he’s starting to hate it less that Harry can still read him like a book.  As much as he hates to say it, Harry’s knowledge of him and his knowledge of Harry is just making this easier.

 

“No not bad, just thinking how much happier your mum looks…”

 

“Now that we’re speaking again.”  Harry finished for him.  “I’ve told her that we hashed things out a bit, but I know that she’s…”

 

“Hopeful.”  Niall fills in for him.

 

“Yes, but Ni, no pressure, well yes- pressure, but it’s you and me first.”   They’re whispering hushed together and Niall just smiles soft, Harry’s eyes are so green, so earnest as he tries to figure out what he’s saying.

 

“Haz, I love your family but I won’t stay with you just because your mum wants me to.”  And at that Harry laughs at him.

 

“Right.”  And he can see the exhaustion sinking in.  Maybe they won’t be going back to his tonight and that’s okay because that stuff has already been sitting in boxes for years, a day isn’t going to change anything at this point.  His eyes are bright though as he continues.  “But it works in my favor right?  That they’re awesome and they love you.”

 

Niall chuckles, “Yeah, it works in your favor.”  He doesn’t add on that he seems to have a lot going on in his favor right now.  He feels like he still needs to hold this to his chest, if he gives Harry too much power and he’s still afraid he's going to lose it all.

 

Anne obviously chastises Harry when she gets back, “We wanted to pay!  We are celebrating you!”  It isn’t until they are all walking into the parking lot, that fans of Harry’s spot them.  They snap a couple pictures from a distance.  He knows what those will look like, the four of them talking; Harry and Niall still standing close, his long learn arm wrapped low around Niall’s waist.  They seem to finally work up the courage as Niall and Harry say ‘bye’ to Anne and Robin with hugs and then walk up asking for pictures with Harry. 

 

Niall hangs back, not awkward but he doesn’t feel the need to get into the conversation.  Harry talks with them, listens about their day, how they are so excited to meet him.  He’s so kind with them, sharing hugs and parts of himself that he doesn’t really need to.  He stays as they get through all the pictures and then shoots a small video saying ‘hi’ to one of the friends not there.

 

Niall’s heart skips a beat as he watches it all go down.  In all the anger and resentment of the last few years he’s forgotten just how _amazingly kind_ Harry is.  He was always giving, giving, giving. 

 

The group finally walks away happy with meeting their idol, but when he comes back to Niall taking his hand, he’s just Harry again.  The kid he’s known since he was 6, the boy who tried to cheer him up and tell him that Cheshire wasn’t so bad, the one that took him to the park to play because he didn’t have any other friends, the same boy who took his first kiss and his virginity.

 

Niall guides Harry to his car, and opens the passenger door for him before getting in the car.  He looks over at the other boy and those same traces of exhaustion are still present and Niall really just wants to tuck him in bed and more and more thoughts like those are starting to rise to the surface and he just doesn’t know what to do with them.  Because he’s just not quite ready for them yet, but more he’s unsure if Harry has those same thoughts, those same urges.

 

“How about I take you home?”  He hates the way Harry looks hurt, it flashes across his face so quick and he can already hear the ‘what did I do wrong?’  So he reaches across the gearshift grabbing his right hand before he can even say anything.   He ends up fiddling with the ring on Harry’s hand making one spin around at the base of his middle finger, it’s not the ring that he gave him, but it feels similar, bulky and textured.  “It’s been a long day.”

 

“No, Ni, we had plans.”  But he barely finishes before a tired yawn makes itself present.

 

“You look exhausted and maybe after you get some sleep you can ring me and we can make some time?”  Harry looks like he wants to fight him, but instead of answering he nods his head.   He won’t let go of Niall’s hand and he just lets him get away with the clinginess because, what else could he do?   

 

It feels like a backwards deja-vu because it was just a little while ago that Harry was driving an exhausted Niall home and then he was kissing Harry on his doorstep, wanting to pretend it didn’t happen.

 

What a difference some time can make...

 

The drive is quick and Niall literally parks in front of his front door.  When he walks around to the boot he can’t help but peak around the car and watch as Harry steps out.  He doesn’t know how he forgot how good looking he was.  Maybe forgot is the wrong word, ignore- ignore the long legs, the broad shoulders, the muscles that he puts so much work into.  But now that he’s starting to open up to this idea he can’t help but just keep looking.  He knows that Harry is doing the same though- he’s felt his eyes on him multiple times.  It’s nice to know that Harry still finds him attractive, scruff, chest hair, and all.

 

It brings back startling memories, like the first time he realized that he was watching his best friends arse in footie practice, or when he realized that he liked having to look up just the couple inches, or how he was mesmerized but his large graceful hands, that seem to counter act how ungraceful he is most of the time. When he realized his best friend is as beautiful on the outside as he is on the inside    He loved watching Harry, knows now that he still does.

 

Snapping out of it, he grabs the luggage and follows Harry as he walks towards the door. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Harry mutters as he opens up the door.  “I’m just- I didn’t think…”

 

“Travelling always does it to me in too, just saps the energy.  Don’t worry, you’ll see me again soon enough.”  He follows him in the door, not closing it but letting it drift that way.

 

“I’ll ring you tomorrow?”  Now they’re just standing in his entry way.  Niall’s car is still running, but he finds that he doesn’t really want to leave yet.  He should, but he doesn’t, just another way that Harry keeps confusing him.   But it’s really not his fault, Harry’s not _doing_ anything.  Instead he’s following Niall’s lead, which is different than in the past.  Niall was never submissive or passive by any means, but Harry was always interested in going places and doing things and Niall was too, but for Niall it was the going places and doing things _with Harry_ that made all the difference.

 

After the past four years of hurt and resentment he still can believe that they are standing right here talking, being _nice_ to each other, the fact that he’s even thinking about _them_ is even crazier.  The insane part is that Niall just wants to follow him to bed, just curl up with him and drift to sleep.  That Niall is able to even _feel_ things for Harry that aren’t causing his heart to fracture and his mind to stuff all these memories in a box so he just doesn’t have to deal with them.

 

Harry walks up to him, slow steps, feet dragging with fatigue and he presses a small kiss to just the corner of his mouth, his right hand is on Niall’s left hip, thumb pressing up under his shirt to brush the skin as he tucks his head into the curve of Niall’s neck in a strange partial hug, partial cuddle that makes Niall’s heart skip a beat.  He brings both his hands up to Harry’s waist and waits when Harry sighs into his neck, shuffling closer, snuggling in.

 

He can’t help himself so he brings a hand up and brushes it over his hair, the touch slow, cautious, but soothing.

 

“Hey, just go to bed, ring me when you can.  I have a couple meetings and conference calls tomorrow but otherwise I’m free.” 

 

Harry snuffles into his shoulder, whispering something that Niall can’t make out, but he gets the idea.  It’s not like he doesn’t understand what Harry wants.  He wants him to stay and Niall wants to but Niall’s not ready for that.

 

Harry loves to cuddle, loves to be in other peoples’ space, right now, he’s mentally and physically tired and all he wants is the comfort of someone who cares about him wrapped up with him.   Niall is almost there- farther than he ever thought he’d be if he’s honest.  Harry is just already so _ready_ to give him everything, to just let him all the way back into his heart.

 

But his heart was broken in a very different way from Niall’s when Harry left. 

 

“Okay?”   Niall asks, its soft, he can scarcely hear his own voice, but Harry nods into his neck, before standing up straight, vertebrae by vertebrae.

 

He should be prepared but he’s still not, when Harry kisses him, this much less reserved than the kiss at the train depot when he dropped him off, lips slanting over his, biting his lower lip softly, then invading his mouth and all his senses.

 

Harry tastes like the wine that he was drinking and it’s sleepy, hazy, like Harry is trying to melt the two of them together.  His hand drops from his hip to his arse and his other hand moves up his back rest between his shoulder blades.  Niall’s not small, he knows he’s not, but Harry’s hands on him make him feel small.  He should hate that feeling but instead he loves it, loves feeling how _large,_ how _strong_ Harry is.

 

Niall’s hand somehow is tangled in his hair and his other hand is tangled in belt loop pulling him closer, shifting his legs so Harry can press one of his up and in between.   

 

It’s always been like this as soon as Harry touches him, kisses him, his mind melts and he gets caught up in everything _Harry._

 

He pulls away from Harry panting, it feels like his knees are about to give out and when he looks up at Harry his green eyes are hooded and dark, and his lips wet and red from kissing him.

 

And this is what terrifies him, he doesn’t _want_ to stop, he doesn’t _want_ to go home and he’s not okay with that yet.  

 

Harry reads him so well, too.  He takes a quick step back, keeping a hand on his waist to keep him steady.  It’s like he know that Niall’s having that mild moment of panic.

 

“I’ll text you as soon as I’m up.”  Harry says, that hand on his waist moving up under his shirt, fingers moving in a familiar soothing pattern.  _Damn him,_ it’s calming him down.

 

“Ok.”  He nods because now that Harry’s not around him, surrounding him he can think again, and he can’t stop thinking and he’s fighting to keep his mind calm and remember he’s in control here.  Harry promised him, _his pace._

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”  Harry asks and he pulls him into a hug.  Niall wraps his arms around him taking comfort in him even though he’s the one causing all the chaos. 

 

“Yeah. Tomorrow,” He escapes swiftly, just one backwards glance and then he’s in his car, still in Harry’s hoodie, _damn_ _it,_ driving the couple blocks home and only when he gets there does his heart stop beating out of his chest.

 

He hardly gets sleeps that night and when he does wake he’s questioning his sanity.

 

Why did he even bring up those boxes in the first place?  The only thing Harry had ever asked about was the journals, so why did he even bring up the boxes?

 

But it was guilt he knew it.  Some of those things he kept just to be selfish and petty, but that’s what you do in a break up.  He hid it some of it from Anne boxed it up and kept all the memories for himself.  But that was when he thought that Harry didn’t really care.

 

He knows a little different now.

 

It doesn't change things, but at least he knows _why._  Sometimes that can changed things- when you actually know the whole story.

 

Harry had stayed true to his word, sending him a text early in the morning.  They both had calls and virtual meetings to take care of so it wasn’t until late afternoon to early evening that both of them could even peg down a time to get together.

 

He’d originally moved the boxes from the attic, to the spare bedroom, and then thinking better moved them to the living room so it wouldn’t be as intimate.

 

He ordered pizza, so it would deliver near when Harry got here. That was meltdown number one.  He didn’t want to text Harry and ask what kind of pizza he wanted because that felt like the easy way out.  But the Harry from back then, no matter how health conscious he was always wanted a pizza done right- loaded with cheese.  So he went with two options a healthier veggie version and then a cheese and meat loaded version. He’s going to eat pizza for days after this.

 

However that leads to meltdown number two which has him standing in his pants in his closet trying to decide what to wear.

 

What he wears sets the mood right, since they are doing something here? Is this so casual that he can go with trackies and a vest, but that doesn’t feel like it’s enough…armor.

 

And with the way that he’s been losing his head around Harry he needs armor.

 

He hasn't forgotten exactly, but he had just blocked out Harry’s effect on him.  He remembered when they first got together, the learning curve of knowing each other’s bodies inside and out.  It took months and repeated practice but they knew each other _very well._

 

He decides on dark wash jeans and a white Henley.

 

He just doesn’t trust himself with Harry right now.  The last couple time they’ve been alone they have been both very emotional and physical.  While he no longer feels like all his emotions are raw, grating on his nerves, everything is just fresh and even though they know each other well, it feels like he’s back at that nervous getting-to-know-you stage.

 

Which is just weird because he’s never had that stage with Harry; they already knew everything about each other.  He’s also finding that Harry was right- they do still know each other but it's just like they need to fill in the gaps.

 

This pizza comes first, which makes things easier, they can eat right away, they don’t have to talk, they can just eat and go through things silent.

 

What the hell is he thinking?  Of course Harry’s going to want to talk about things. 

 

It’s only a few minutes later that Harry is knocking on the door.  When Niall opens the door, he’s in a coat, the same one that he had lent Niall just a week or so back and his car isn’t in sight.  His cheeks are bright and rosy, lips red, dark hair covered in a beanie.

 

“Haz, are you nuts, you walked?  Its freezing.”  He reaches out and grabs his arm pulling him in quickly and taking his coat to hand up.  He’s wearing a thick grey jumper underneath it, but there are holes in the knees of his jeans.  Even with it being the middle of October the nights are definitely carrying a certain chill.   “You’ll get sick.”

 

“I’m fine Niall; it’s really not all that far to walk.” And it’s not, if Niall was still in his ‘I hate Harry’ stage and wanted nothing to do with him it would be awful having him this close.

 

Harry’s hand is large and cool when it lands gently on the side of his neck.  “I’m fine, well rested, warm, and most importantly I’m here.  Something smells good.”  Presses a kiss to his cheek, leaves it at that, he must be able to pick up on Niall’s nerves.  He hates him and loves him for it at the same time.

 

“Do I get a tour?”  Harry finally prompts.  Niall nods walking him through the first floor, his office, the living room, kitchen, and parlor. 

 

“Just bedrooms upstairs?”  Harry asks, he has a slight smirk on his face, like he knows what Niall’s thinking about, because since that snog on his sofa, Niall’s mind has gone to the carnal side, and he knows that, it’s just been a while.  He can’t remember if he’s remembering their actual sex life the way it was or blowing it out of proportion, because just the kisses they’ve had are causing Niall to lose his head a little bit.

 

“Just bedrooms.”  Niall confirms.

 

“I don’t get to see those?”  Harry asks, but his eyes are sparkling betraying the pout on his lips.  It never really did anything for Niall anyway -other than wanting to bite his lower lip.

 

“Not yet.”  Niall gives him and it feels good to flirt with Harry, because even now he knows it’s still _his pace._

 

They are camped out on opposite sides of the couch and as it always has the conversation comes easy.  Sometimes Niall wishes this part was harder, that it was a challenge to talk to Harry or spend time with him.  But it's not, even when he dreaded responding to the emails he loved getting them and he loves the texts that he gets from Harry too.

 

Niall already has everything they need to eat and he definitely didn’t need to worry because Harry demolishes a good quarter of each pizza before finally claiming that he’s full.

 

“So these are ‘the boxes,’ huh?”  Harry finally brings up the elephant in the room.  It’s not like they’re huge boxes even but… they are very _present._

 

“Yup.”  Niall nods looking over at them, they don’t look intimidating, but they are, to him anyway.  Part of it is because he knows that Harry is somewhat excited about what they hold.  Niall however, these are all the things he didn’t want Harry to have 4 years ago.  These all meant something to him, even though now he doesn’t know what, they only thing he really remembers is that he _didn’t_ want Harry to have them.

 

They both end up on the floor pushing the coffee table out of the way, settling onto the plush rug.  Harry grabs the first box, his face looking almost like its Christmas, but one more time looks back over at Niall.  “You’re sure?” 

 

“Yeah,” Much like the conversation the other night it was just a need to rip the plaster off.  The first box is the smallest, seems to be just minor things, magnets from their silly vacations and uni, nothing major, but Harry kept smiling like each one was a fond memory, which in a way it might be. He's keeping a small pile off to the side; Niall’s guess is this he wants to take with him, and he’s okay with that… it was kinda the point, but it still feels better than doing this alone.

 

He grabs the next one, it’s larger but still light, and Harry tears off the tape off before smiling when he opens it.

 

“You kept my pillow.”  Is the first thing Harry says, pulling out the big black throw pillow that has ‘MY SPOT’ written in big black letters.

 

“I don’t know why?” Niall still can't say why he kept it instead of throwing these things away, “I remember getting it for you, putting it on the sofa so everyone would stop taking your spot.”  And it was true that was exactly the reason he bought it.  As a joke of course since he was very particular about that in their old flat, not that he was rude about it but… that was why he got him the pillow.

 

And okay, this wasn’t so bad, this wasn’t creepy or strange.  That box is fairly easy, just a yearbook from school and a couple more journals.  And they are almost half way through.

 

“I don’t care about the year book,” He says paging through; there are a lot of pictures of the two of them, both of them were fairly popular and active in school, “Can I take the rest?”

 

“Of course.  That’s the point right?”  And Harry nods, grabbing the next box, this time though when he opens it he freezes.   It’s the small box that Niall had originally opened to find those first two journals, so he kinda knows what's in it.

 

“Oh.”  It’s all the pictures from their flat.  Harry reaches in moving past the mug and the T-shirt straight to the pictures.  The first one he pulls out is the one that Gemma posted to twitter almost five months ago, helping to bring all this to a head.  Making everyone feel like it's okay to talk about them as a unit again.

 

“Is it sad to say I thought you burnt them all?”  Harry says pulling the first one, then the next and the next, studying each one almost reverently.  “I was always so obsessed with taking your picture.  The camera loves you as much as I do.”  And Niall doesn’t really know what to say to that, but he really doesn’t seem to be talking to Niall, so he doesn’t say anything at all.

 

He makes his way through the box so many photographs, some spanning before they were even together.  “When I came back and broke it off with you I never thought to grab pictures, ya know?  And I didn’t come home for the longest time, and then the first time I saw you on a golf magazine cover you took my breath away.  I’d forgotten how beautiful you were...are.”  Harry’s eyes are misty as he goes through the box.  But then he’s finally laughing.

 

“You kept our family portrait!”  It’s a stupid picture really, one of both their families and Louis and Liam, they’re all making silly faces and it’s a ridiculous picture.  But they always had it sitting on the shelf by the telly.

 

“Of course.” He couldn't throw them away, couldn't burn them,  destroy them,  as much as he was hurt, heartbroken he couldn't just throw away their past.

 

“Did you keep the one?” Harry looks away from the pictures and Niall looks up from Harry’s hands cradling the picture. When their eyes meet it’s a little bit more intense than Niall would have thought.  

 

“Which one?” But the fact is Niall doesn't remember, he’d tried so hard to move on that he made himself forget. There were so many things that Harry had, that were sentimental to him.

 

“The one I had by my side of the bed.” Ahh, okay, that one.  It had been Harry’s favorite.

 

“Oh, I think the frame broke.”  His voice hitches when he speaks and that's a lie and Harry knows it- lets it slide.  It was picture of them, a selfie of them taken just after the first shag in _their_ new flat, just their faces flushed red and so fucking happy and he let Harry take it. Framed it as a joke, but Harry put it by the bed, when he started traveling even took it with him, except for that last trip. Niall had thought back then that he should have seen it coming, since he'd left it behind,  threw it across the room, broke the frame, the glass, scratched the picture a bit, but he's sure is still in there.

 

Niall watches as Harry digs through the box with a purpose, all the frames are scattered around him, photo albums and other things, books, old CDs, zip drives,  but he seems more intent to find that one specific picture.  When he finally finds it, he looks wistful, “It's damaged.”  Niall doesn't want to see the picture, couldn't look at it then doesn't want to see it now so instead he loads everything back into the box.

 

“Uhm why don't you take this box home?” His voice is shaking and he doesn't like it.  These things should mean nothing, to both of them, but Harrys treating them like gold.  Like they all still mean something, and they do to him,  Niall knows that they do. He knows that _he_ means something to Harry.

 

“Are you alright, Ni?” Harry’s hands cover his but he pulls his away.

 

“Yeah,” He shakes his head and they always lean towards honesty, “I just…” But he doesn't know how to explain it, doesn’t know how to tell Harry what it does to him to know that he cares so much about these little things, and that he wishes Harry hasn't been a stupid brainwashed twenty something that let strangers talk him into breaking them up.   

 

“Just?”

 

Niall looks at him, scared to blink.  He knows that Harry will understand.  He just has to figure out how to say it. “Is so fucking stupid isn't it?  All we've gone through to be here.”

 

“Here?”  Harry looks unsure of what Niall’s trying to say.

 

“Sitting on the floor going through memories of a past life.”

 

“No not a past life, it’s _our past,_ it’s _our memories._ ”  Harry pushes the box out of his way so the is nothing between them and crawls over, ends up kneeling on the floor in front of Niall, where he sits cross legged on the floor.  “Help me out, Ni.  What are you thinking?”  

 

“What’s going to stop you from doing this to me again? From wanting me to put all of our memories in boxes to hide away?”  And that's really the most of it, isn't it? Why open yourself up to someone who already decimated you once before? 

 

Harry’s looking at him, those beautiful green eyes of his so soft.  “That's the question isn't it?  I told you why it happened last time.” He settles in right across from him, so that their knees are touching.   He reaches a hand out, tangling their fingers together. “I thought that's why we were doing this, so you could see if you could trust me again?” His voice is so gentle, so slow, its cadence always soothed Niall’s sometimes almost hyperactive mind.

 

“But I trusted you before and look what happened.”

 

“The only thing I can tell you is I learned that I don’t have to sacrifice everything I want to my dreams come true, but I also learned that I sacrificed the wrong things. I won't ever make the same mistake twice.  I can’t go back and tell the 20 year old Harry not to do what he did.  I can sit here and apologize and tell you how wrong I was but you told me you don’t want that.  I know you don’t have to do any of this, talk to me, touch me, acknowledge me even, I mean I’m not going to let you get away with it.  I want us to be in each other’s lives.”

 

Niall doesn’t know what words he’s looking for, he doesn’t know what he wants Harry to say or do.  He looks down at their hands tangled together.  It looks right to him, it feels right.  He just doesn’t know what is keeping him from looking at Harry and knowing that he can trust him again.

 

“Do you even want me here?”  Niall’s head snaps up, grasping tight to his hand when Harry goes to pull it away.

 

“Yes.”  And he doesn’t even hesitate to answer, “And I’m not leading you on, I’m not trying to promise you something that won’t happen… I just, I just don’t know.  I spent so long just resenting you but now you’re here and you’re still you and I still feel all these _things_ and they confuse the hell outta me.”   But Harry smile turns into a small little smirk.

 

“What _things_ do you feel around me Niall?”  It’s said in a low voice and Niall knows that voice even though he hasn’t heard it in _years_.

 

“Oh no you don’t!”  Niall takes the hand that’s not being held in Harry’s grip and presses it up against his chest.   “That’s what I say and this is where you go with it?”  Niall can’t help the disbelieving laugh because that is just so _Harry._

 

“What?” he asks, exaggerated wide eyes, sounding scandalized.  

 

“Oh, don’t play innocent.”  But Niall can already feel the mood lightening.  And that’s exactly what he needs, damn him, Harry always knows what he needs.  He moves his hand from Harry’s chest up to his neck.

 

“I am innocent.”  Niall doesn’t know what to think, but he knows where this is headed.  He wants it though.  He wants Harry to make that first move, he’s not sure when he’ll be ready to make the first move, but he’s thinking about it… a lot.

 

“You have never been innocent.”  Niall’s laughing because it’s mostly true.  Harry’s shifting and Niall really wants his lips on his.  He wants to feel wanted by him, happy with him, like he did in all those photos.  He wants it to be _their_ world again.

 

“How about this then, I’m glad you’re not leading my on.  I'm glad you’re not making promises that you have no desire to keep.  And I’m so fuckin’ ecstatic that I make you feel _things.”_ Harry’s leaning up slightly, leaning over him now, and Niall’s hand is still on his neck and he tangles his fingers in the neck of his comfy jumper.  “I hope that I make you feel butterflies in your stomach, because I have them too.”  The hand that was holding his drops his hand so that he can trace his fingers over his belly and the muscles there tighten under the attention and the smirk on his face widens and Niall hates that it makes him more attractive. He's always loved when Harry’s confidence would shine through.

 

“I do.” He doesn’t even realize it came out until Harry covers the distance to kiss him.  Niall’s uses the hand on Harry’s neck to pull him close and Harry ‘hmphs’ as he loses his balance, falling into Niall but that’s okay, because Niall lays back, legs uncrossing and uses his other arm to steady Harry as he lets go of his waist and props himself over Niall, elbows by his head, but his lips never leave Niall’s.

 

It could almost be a seduction, his lips slow and hypnotic on Niall’s and his brain goes offline. He just reacts to Harry, kissing him back, teasing his lips and tangling his hands in his hair to keep him close. 

 

It should feel suffocating, trapping, to be under Harry like this, but it doesn’t, it feels safe, and it’s been a long time since he could say that he has felt _safe_ in his presence, let alone their last couple snogs.

 

But Harry has a way of taking him apart, making his lose time in his arms, turn his mind to static.  And only Harry can do it.

 

He pulls away just slightly, his face still close to Niall’s and he just looks at Niall.  He doesn’t really understand what he’s looking at, Harry is the beautiful one.

 

“So tell me about these _things_ I make you feel. “  Is a strange thing to say, considering that Harry is lying between his legs on the floor, somewhat winded from their heated kiss.

 

“Ummm, nervous, confused?” Niall starts there, because, yeah of course.

 

“Okay,” And he drawls it out long and slow, “Do I make you feel something other anxiety?”   Harry looks a little apprehensive as he asks.

 

“Well you make me feel good and important- I feel like important to you, I mean.”  Oh god he doesn’t really know what he’s trying to say.

 

“Good, that's good…’cause you are, important.” He settles back in, his weight a warm comfort on top of him.  “What else?”  And one of his hands is stroking through Niall’s hair and it feels like heaven.

 

“Hopeful.” And he is.  He’s never been so optimistic as he is right now, because Harry didn’t run when Niall was angry and resentful, he didn’t run when Niall had thought that Harry was going to someone else’s bed, he didn’t run when Niall had to be gone for two months straight, and he’s not running now, he doesn’t seem to be going _anywhere._

 

Harry smiles beautifully at him, leaning down to kiss at the hinge of his jaw, biting softly at his ear.  “Really?”  And if the man wasn’t kissing right below his ear stealing his breath he’d answer him.  Instead he’s gasping at the tingles it sends down his whole body.

 

“I just-” His breath catches as Harry’s teeth nibble down his neck, “I just-” and his breath keeps catching because Harry seems to be re-discovering every sensitive place on his neck that makes him shiver, hips jerking as his blood starts to travel south.

 

“Hmm?” Harry mumbles into his skin as he works up the other side of his neck, back to the other side of his jaw to trace the cut of his chin, until he’s finally where Niall wants him to be.  Lips back on his.  The small gasp he lets out lets Harry into his mouth and makes him forget everything he was about to say- hell he didn’t even know what he was about to say, his brain is melting out of his ears right now.

 

The heat of Harry over him is making everything feel slow and he feels drunk on Harry as he lets him takes him apart kiss by kiss. 

 

It isn’t until he feels Harry’s echoing hardness press against his that his brain clicks back in.  He wants this, wants this so much that it scares him a little bit.

 

“Wait…”  He pulls his mouth away from Harry and as the words echo for Harry, he pulls himself up and off of Niall before the Irish lad can say another word.  Niall knows what he’s thinking though, so he stops it quick, seeing the panic on Harry’s face, “Don’t worry.  You didn’t do anything wrong… nothing.  It’s okay.” 

 

That’s something that so new about this Harry.  He’s so worried about doing something wrong with Niall, miss-stepping with Niall, and he hates it.  He really does. 

 

“I’m just not there yet.”  Niall tells him, the edge of concern bleeds from his posture. 

 

“ _Yet?”_ Harry asks, with a combined look of joy and smug that Niall wants to pull him back into a kiss, but he doesn’t… not yet.  He’s still waiting for that sign and he’ll know it when he sees it.

 

“Yes, yet.”  He says it forcefully, with confidence because something about these last couple hours here have comforted him, seeing Harry cherish the different memories they made together.  Their fourteen years together wasn’t just something to be ignored and obviously Harry didn’t just forget about him, didn’t just move on- and yeah, they were both with other people obviously, but it’s becoming more and more obvious that they still have feelings for each other. _Two months-_ Harry waited two months to see him, and talk to him normally barring that one conversation. 

That one conversation that had made Niall want to keep calling him.  He enjoyed the Harry that made him laugh the Harry that made him smile.

 

“Let’s finish this shall we?”  He sits all the way up and he grabs the next box, opens it himself, ignoring the partial hardness in his pants, and then he laughs, because, well just because.  He pulls out the stuffed leprechaun out of the box and throws it at Harry.

 

“Hey, I won that for you!”  Harry had seen it at the fairgrounds and spent almost half an hour playing a game that he was rigged to lose just to win it for Niall.

 

“I know,”  This box like the first was full of memorabilia, stuff that was important then, doesn’t feel as important now, their first concert tickets, their ticket stubs from the first footie game that they went to, a badly recorded mixed tape of some type.  A lot of it stuff that Niall felt comfortable throwing away, not the leprechaun though, he’s keeping that.

 

It’s easier now, the last box is painless, and the conversation is equally so.  There are some concerts t-shirts, some guitar picks, and lots of journals.  Another six of them to be exact- not all of them were full, some had doodles, and some had random name and numbers of people they don’t know anymore, but all the stuff Harry wants fits into the one box with all the pictures. 

 

It isn’t until almost midnight that they finish up, not that it took that long to go through the boxes, but now it conversation just seems to naturally grow

 

They’re still sitting on the floor, back to the couch, and Niall finds himself leaning into Harry, much like he would have when they were younger.  And for some reason he doesn’t feel guilty for wanting to do it, for wanting to seek comfort in Harry.

 

The conversation has dwindled and Niall knows Harry needs to go or he’s going to invite him to stay and while he wants that…

 

God- he just needs a sign, _something_ to prove _something_ to him- but he just doesn’t know.

 

He hates not knowing.

 

Harry leans back into him, “I should go, Jeff is flying in tomorrow night, so I’m meeting with him, but do you want to come over for dinner Friday night, have our second first date?”  Niall loves how Harry seems a little shy; there is something just amazing about plain Niall Horan shaking up pop superstar Harry Styles.  He loves it, loves that he did it then and that he can still do it now.

 

“Yes, I’d love to.” 

 

Niall can’t help but watch when Harry walks away, carrying a box, refusing a ride from Niall.  “I walked here and I can walk back.”  Is all he says.

 

But Niall can’t help but appreciate the view as he walks away, all broad shoulder, slim hips and long lean muscular legs.

 

Harry can’t seem to stop texting him the next day,  but it amuses Niall more than anything else, just like the emails when he was out with the tour, it is so obvious that he is completely present in Harry’s mind, all the time.

 

Then it’s time for this big date… he dresses up a little bit, fashionable button up shirt, jeans that make his arse look fantastic and boots instead of trainers.  His now completely brunette hair left soft over his forehead so he still feels relaxed and casual.

 

Harry thinks this date is important, and it’s not that it isn't, but it's not _that_ important. Harry probably doesn't realize that it is all the other stuff was important, letting him be angry, letting him tell him to ‘get the fuck out’, not pressuring him into giving him his mobile before he was ready, letting email be the only way of communication, letting him control everything, the communication, the pace, the interactions, and the fact that Harry never gave up, still hasn’t given up.  But now he's ready to see the real Harry, the one who makes stupid jokes, the one that watches stupid rom-coms and laughs and cries at the stupid antics, the Harry that is just such complete and utter dork.

 

 He knows Harry’s a little afraid, every time Niall pulls away, he can tell Harry’s first thought is _what did I do wrong?_ He saw it last night. And he hates that, he really does…because that's not Harry and the last thing he wants is for Harry to be scared of him.

 

At first he kind of liked it, the way it made him feel so important -- that Harry was cautious of every move, but now-now he just wants to be able to relax and not overthink every move.

 

He wants to make sure that a part of the Harry he loved is still in there, and he know it is,  he's seen him in small glances, little actions here or there,  but what he really wants is to be able to ease Harry’s fears and his own if he’s honest.

 

He’s waiting much longer at Harry’s door than he expected. He reaches a hand out to check the door, but Harry beats him to it.  Harry looks down-right annoyed and he just barely says, “Come in,” before he's rushing away.  It’s not until he gets in the door that he recognizes the sound of a _smoke detector?_

 

He hangs Harry’s hoodie up-because he finally remembered it- and then he walks to the living room and he freezes.  There on his sofa that probably cost thousands of pounds is Harry’s pillow.  The MY SPOT looks so out of place in his posh living room that it makes him smile. He looks towards the telly and sure enough there is the family picture that Harry took with him along with a graduation picture of them with their mums. There’s none of the personal pictures of them, but it does something to his heart to see them there, almost like it's skipping every other beat.

 

And he knows that when he gets to the kitchen those stupid cheesy magnets are going to be on his fridge, and all those little treasures that he found the other night are going to be scattered around the house.  

 

When he finally gets to the kitchen though, that’s just comedy, because Harry is pulling very burnt bread out of the oven, smoke is everywhere, hazing up the air and, well, Harry looks like he’s about to cry, yell, scream, or all three.

 

Because he had put so much pressure on himself tonight, so much stress, wanting to make this perfect, make this right, for Niall.  To prove something to Niall, and he did. 

 

Niall just wants to take the stress away, to take some of the pressure off of both of them, and he thought maybe it was best to just take baby-steps to ease themselves in.  But he should have known there are no such things as baby-steps for them, so now, it’s just time to stop the fight.

 

He looks at the kitchen fridge and sure enough… there they are-those stupid little keepsakes.

 

It makes his breath hitch and his heart just stops.   Because it all just looks so right…and he just knows-this is what he was waiting for.

 

This was the _something_ he was waiting for.

\----

 

 


	5. Chapter Five

It’s not that Harry lost track of time, it’s just when Jeff’s in town, and he’s much more focused on just Harry.  Its great actually, they get a lot of things accomplished, a good layout for the next few weeks, studio times, meeting with producers, things like that.  They spend a lot of time at his house on Thursday and Jeff is the first on to notice the ‘new’ old pictures.

He doesn’t say anything, but Harry doesn’t think he has to, maybe he gets it now, maybe he finally understands how important Niall has always been to him.

Friday morning he spends a lot of time on the phone, hammering out the rest of this year’s schedule, or trying, once December hits he’ll be done for the year.  He’ll work mostly on the album through the last couple weeks of October and November, and maybe he can even convince Niall to come with him.  He would love his input and there are a couple journals that he already wants to take with him to the studio.

He can understand why Niall kept them, but he can also understand why he never really looked at them again.  Knowing how Niall felt, hurt, betrayed, thrown to the side, he can understand why he didn’t want things around to remind him of them.  It makes sense that they were all boxed and hidden, but he can feel Niall loosening up.  More and more each day he recognizes the boy he knew in the man he’s getting to know.

Last night was nice, better than he expected and in a way, Niall’s saying that the memories aren’t so bad anymore; he even kept a few of the things out last night. Every day he shows more and more promise and Harry can’t help but feel like this is really going to work out… he was conservative before, but now he feels like there is a future here.  

“So Saturday, I’ll pick you up and we can head back to France, 7:30 in morning.”  Jeff’s voice over the phone sends him back to track.

“You can park here and we can just get a car, I hate to have something happen to it.”  Harry tells him.

“It’s a rental Harry, I’m returning it.”  Jeff’s voice is dry but Harry knows he’s laughing at him. 

“Oh, okay that works then.”  And he’s distracted because yes, he is making the bread from scratch; yes he is making the pasta and sauce from scratch. He really wants Niall to

“Hey, I also got notification that part of the script had changed, there are some minor plot changed.  Did you get the new script?”  Jeff asks.

“Uhmm, how would I know?”  Harry asks, and he knows that he should know this, but he’s distracted.  The bread is in the oven and the pasta’s on the stove, Niall will be here soon, and this is what Jeff wants to talk about?  It’s just not a good time.

“There will be a version number on the front that shows which one, can you check?”  Jeff asks, and Harry looks around the kitchen, he’s got a lot going on but he turns down the burners and heads up to his office, pulling out the different scripts he’s received.

“What-wait I have three copies?”  Harry tells him, as he digs through his desk. 

“That’s perfect; the one you need to work from has the letter V and a number 3 in the corner.”  Jeff tells him.

“Does this change what pages I’m reading?”  Harry asks, quickly getting distracted trying to make sure that he has all the correct information.  He and Jeff pour over the pages, making sure nothing has drastically changed and he knows that he’s going to be reading the entire script on the train tomorrow just to make sure he’s good.

When he finally disconnects with Jeff, is when he hears the chirping, and the door bell.  _Oh fuck._ He runs down the stairs, grabbing open the door to see a startled Niall.  He rushes out, “Come in,’ before he is rushing to the kitchen.  There is smoke coming from the oven, and the water from the pasta boiled over, and the sauce is also giving off black smoke. 

For a minute, he just stares, because _of course_ , this had to happen _tonight_ of all nights.   This couldn’t have happened last night when he was cooking for Jeff and Glenn, no it needed to be tonight, when it was important and he wanted it to be right.  He had a small table set up in the sun room off the back; there were flowers there, and _fine_ china.  Dammit!

He kills the burners completely, pulls the bread out of the oven and the top is burnt black, the smoke rolls of the oven.  It’s shameful!  He was a baker – he should know better.  He was all on schedule until the damn script dilemma.

He finally hears Niall’s footsteps get closer and he can’t remember when he was this embarrassed.  He has literally tried so hard not to fuck this up, but here he is, doing just that.

When he finally gets the courage to look back at Niall the other boy looks completely relaxed, completely comfortable in his own skin.  This isn't bothering him, not at all.  But it's bothering him; Harry can't stop looking at the mess all over his counter.

“Don’t worry about dinner.”  When Harry looks over at Niall, he’s smiling, almost laughing, opening the windows to let some of the smoke out while the alarm on the ceiling continues to chirp its annoyance.

“No, I fucked it up, we can… we can order something, you still like Thai food right?”  He goes to a drawer and pulls out some menus, for when he feels the need to binge on junk food.  He can’t believe he’s such an idiot.  This is their _second first date_.  It needs to be special.  He can still get this figured out; he can still make something out of this mess. 

“Hey,” Niall’s voice is soft, but his hand is firm and confident when he presses Harry’s hand to the counter top, stilling him. That’s different… Niall rarely reaches out to him always allowing Harry to instigate. “It’s ok.  You didn’t fuck up anything.”  And Niall is so close to him, his chest right against Harry’s side.  He pulls his hand from under Niall’s lays it on his hip, thumb pressing into that hipbone.  And it grounds him a little- he can still smell the smoke but it’s not wreaking havoc on his senses. “Besides, I was thinking that maybe we could skip dinner.  Move onto dessert, maybe?”

Okay, he could do that…he has dessert… he has the limoncello cake with the homemade raspberry syrup.  Yes, that was done, that was _perfect._

“Ok,” And he pants out of breath from his rant, his run from his office, and his obvious panic. He turns so he’s facing Niall completely.  Niall’s so close to him and he seems so comfortable in his own skin, those nerves, shyness, all gone.  Something changed, _shifted,_ and it leaves Harry feeling a little apprehensive- but he rolls with it.  “We can do that, dessert, I made a cake, I used to be a baker ya know?”  And this succeeds in making Niall laugh.  But he takes a step closer, the hand that was sitting on the counter is now on Harry’s neck, and he can feel his own pulse picking up. Is he- Is he reading this wrong?  Because it seems like Niall is implying…

But Niall just looks up at him, blue eyes stunning, open honest and for the first time, Harry can’t see a trace of hesitance, a trace of fear, none of the indecision that they had run into so so much over their first encounters.  “How about you take me to bed, Haz.”

“I’m sorry, what?!?” but it’s like he’s not in control of his own body his arms wrapping around Niall’s waist pulling in him close but it’s Niall that pushes up on his toes, pressing his lips hard against Harry’s.  He slips his hand down to Niall’s arse and he responds with a moan and his hands knotting tight in Harry’s hair, angling his face but he lets Harry dominate the kiss.  He doesn’t mean to back Niall into the wall, but it happens, but it lets him get his other hand under Niall’s jumper, feel the warm skin, and he gives a gentle scratch with his fingernails.   He swallows the _hmmm_ that vibrates out of Niall’ mouth and he can’t control how his body’s responding, kissing him deeper, imprinting his taste into Niall’s mouth.  But, but, but he can’t- he can’t just do this. 

He pulls away and stares as Niall slumps against the wall, chest heaving, ruddy blush on his neck moving up to his cheeks.

“Okay, okay, wait, wait…”  He moves his hands tries to take them from under Niall’s shirt but the other boy whimpers at the loss, so he ends up putting them back and leaning down sipping the moans right out from Niall’s lips.  He taste just as good as he remembers.  But no- he stops pulling away again.

“Wait? Wait for what?”  Niall asks, he’s breathless and Harry really does love it.  They say the eyes are the window to the soul- and it’s a true statement for Niall, if you know him well enough you can know what he’s thinking by those eyes and there is just a trace of doubt that is starting to leak back in.  That’s what he was afraid of.

“Why?”  Is what Harry ends up asking because he has to know… Two nights ago Niall stopped him, in his own house, because he wasn’t ready?  Now it’s okay?  “Nothing’s changed?”  And if something did he wants to know what it is, so he can do it again and again.

“You know what I noticed first thing when I walked in your house today?”  And that doubt in his gaze is gone as quick as it came.  He knows why Harry stopped, but something obviously happened to make Niall change his mind.  And it had to be important, or at least important to Niall.

Harry just shakes his head; he didn’t change anything- at least not that he can think of.

“Our family picture is hanging in your living room; our graduation picture is on the shelf by the telly.  Everything I kept in boxes for years, stuff that I couldn’t throw out but you took pieces of your old life…our old life and they’re everywhere.”

And he did; the throw pillow that Niall gave him that says ‘my spot’ in big block letters is on his couch- in his spot.  The pictures he took, they are all scattered around the house, some of them he can’t even believe that he never realized he missed.  The personal ones, the intimate ones are still in the box, he doesn’t know what to do with those yet, but the others with friends and family, they belong in his house.  

“They’re where they belong, in my home, _in my life._ ”  He stresses, but now he gets it.  He realizes what that means to Niall, why it gave him so much confidence. 

“And I belong in your life,” Harry is nodding because yes, yes he does, “and right now I feel like I belong in your bed.”  Niall tells him and Harry wants to laugh, but he kisses him instead because he loves Niall, always has, always will. 

And he can’t take his mouth off of him, because he wants to relearn every inch of him, with his eyes, with his fingers, with his lips.

They stumble away from the wall, leaving the mess in the kitchen behind, it will be hell to clean later but Harry really doesn’t care.  He stops kissing him when he gets to the stairs, instead just takes his hand and leads the other boy up the stairs and to his bedroom. His knees feel decidedly unsteady and his palms are sweating.  He’s nervous; he never gets nervous, not about this.

Part of him is scared this is going to be like their _first_ first time, that was slightly painful and over way to quick.  But he spent years memorizing Niall’s body and he still remembers it like yesterday and he’s ready to see if anything has changed.  Is there something new?

“You’re sure?”  Harry asks, but Niall’s response is to pull his shirt off over his head, leaving his chest bare.  Then he gets his hands on Harry’s buttons, slipping them undone then pushing the shirt of his shoulders.  Niall’s hands are warm as they smooth down Harry’s chest, thumbs brushing over his nipples, causing a shiver to ripple across his skin.

“Yes, trust me.  Are you sure?”  Niall asks, looking up at him but when their eyes meet Niall has a small smirk on his lips.

“Yes.”  Harry gives a sharp nod of his head, then he grabs Niall’s waist, lifting him up off the ground and tosses him to the bed. He crawls over him sliding a leg between his parted legs, slanting his mouth over Niall’s and he feels the body beneath his relax, start to melt into the mattress.  And that is just the beginning; he’s going to make Niall’s as pliable as butter.

He pulls away just to kiss down his neck, stopping right at that spot under his ear and he gives a small bite.  Niall’s moan vibrates in his neck and his hips press up against the leg Harry has between them.  He presses his thigh down, giving Niall something to rub against; glad he’s not the only one drowning in arousal.

Harry runs his hands down his chest, stopping to pinch first one nipple than the other but he has a very specific goal right now.  He gets his hands on that button of his jeans, quickly undoes them.  He looks up at Niall as he moves down, kissing his chest, tonguing his already abused nipple into his mouth to suck hard.   Niall’s fingernails claw into his shoulders at the bite and he wiggles his hips giving Harry the permission he was waiting on.  He stands quickly, pulling the skinny jeans off Niall’s body, taking in the chest hair, the narrow hips with muscled thighs, down to the skinny calves and delicate looking ankles. 

“Pants too?”  Harry asks because he left the tight black boxer briefs on, the outline of his hard cock obvious.  Niall pushes his chest up onto his elbows as he nods and Harry tucks his thumbs into the waist and pulls them down and off when Niall raises his hips.

Niall’s cock is hard, flushed red and pretty but his gaze falls to Niall’s left hip, to _his tattoo_ , and he never understood why so many people were obsessed with his own tattoos until now.  They all obsessed about what they meant; who they were for, when really most of them were just his, art he used to decorate his body.  Granted there were a few that were different, that really _meant_ something.  But he gets it now, gets the obsession.

He crawls back up Niall’s body and the first thing he does is trace his initials with is finger.  Niall’s hips tremble under his finger and he lets out a moan.  This was Harry’s spot, he left love-bite after love-bite here and Niall had always been more sensitive here.  As he presses a kiss to the ink he can feel Niall’s cock give a jerk by his face.

But he can’t stop looking at his hip, pressing kisses to it, tracing it with his tongue.  He keeps expecting to be able to taste it, to _taste himself_ on Niall’s skin.

“It’s lovely.”  Harry slurs into the inked skin.

“Thanks.”  Niall’s response is high and reedy and Harry loves it, loves that this hasn’t changed.  “Are you going-fuck!”  When Harry swallows his cock down, hand anchoring at the bottom moving up and down as he sucks at the head, tasting the pre-come as it leaks from his prick.  Niall hips twitch up even as Harry drapes an arm over his hips to hold him down.

“Am I going to what?”  Harry asks as he pulls off but when he looks up Niall’s eyes are closed, his chest heaving.

“Do something?  Please?”  Niall whimpers so Harry keeps a hand on his cock stroking but he kisses back up his body, sucking a bruise just under his collarbone, then a light one on his neck, up to his ears.

“What do you want tonight?”  He’s leaning over Niall, resting on one forearm as the other jacks him slow.  When Niall’s eyes open they’re dark and slightly unfocused.

“Why are you still wearing clothes?”  He whines and Harry wants to as well, because these trousers are pretty tight and his cock is painfully hard in them.

“Hey, remember your pace.” And because he can’t resist he slides in for a dirty, sloppy kiss and Niall doesn’t let him pull away.  He traces his hands down to Harry’s arse and pulls him down sharp on top of him.  He loses his grip on Niall’s cock as he tries to catch himself from completely falling onto him, but Niall doesn’t seem concerned.   He just hitches a leg over Harry’s hip and grinds up gently.

“My pace requires you to take off your kit and get inside me.” He tells him when the finally pull apart.  Harry rests his forehead on Niall’s, lips close, both of them panting.

“Okay, you’re sure?”  Niall rolls his eyes and nods. Harry pulls away, getting up and off the bed unbuttoning his trousers and wiggling his hips as he peels them along with his pants down his legs.  His cock springs free, bouncing up against his belly before sticking out obscenely between his legs.  He’s so hard and he can even see precome leaking from the head of his dick.

When he looks over to Niall the other boy is watching him with hooded eyes, one hand on his own cock as he looks down at Harry’s bobbing between his legs.  Niall had always had a way of making Harry lose control without saying anything.  It seems that hasn't changed.

 He takes a couple steps to his nightstand where he know he has lube because obviously he still wanks, but he hasn’t shagged in forever.  He throws the lube on the bed as he rifles through the drawer.   “Condom. Condom.”  He mutters to himself before he catches Niall’s soft laughter behind him. 

The other boy is standing, body almost completely flushed as he digs one out of his wallet and throws it at Harry.  In a rare moment of grace he catches it and throws it back on the bed with the lube he just liberated from the drawer.

“Thought you’d be prepared for this?”  Niall asks as he sits back on the edge of the bed, feet propped up on the bed frame, legs splayed wide, completely unashamed of the picture he makes. 

“Not this, I was so sure that I was going to win you back, but this _this_ is more that I could have ever prepared for.”  He walks stands right between Niall’s legs, forcing him to look up at him.  Niall’s hands land on his stomach, tracing his butterfly then down to his laurels, one hand stroking his dick, catching the moisture at the tip and spreading it down the shaft.   He leaned his forehead down to Niall’s.  “I didn’t let myself think about this part.” But he’d wanted to, wanted to fantasize, to remember- but he didn’t want to get his hopes up.  He always knew he was asking a lot of Niall.  Can’t believe he’s this lucky right now.

Then he’s kissing him pressing in hard, diving in, dominating his mouth, tongue thrusting in and tasting, controlling swallowing Niall’s moans and whimpers.  His hands are gently pushing Niall to lie back, and then he works on taking him apart, kiss by kiss.  

He gets the cap of the lube, squeezing some onto his fingers, slipping his hand down between his legs.  When he gets down there his touch is soft massaging, working to loosen, relax.  As he presses a finger in, he scrapes his teeth down the side of Niall’s neck and his back arches up from the shock it sends down his spine.

Niall feels so hot around him, underneath him, and he just starts to massage his walls, moving his finger in and out as he bites down on his collarbone.  Niall’s breath is coming out in wheezes, moans and whines filtering through, and when he adds that second finger, he hears his name drawn out on a moan.

“Relax for me babe,” Harry mutters when Niall clenches down around him, rim tight keeping his fingers tight inside him.

“Hmm, it’s been a while…”  Is what Niall says, his accent heavy, words drowning in it.

“Me too…”  Harry tells him tracing down his body.  He’s not loosening up so Harry starts massaging those walls, looking for that bundle of nerves.

“Almost four years.”  Niall tells him and Harry pauses as he puts it together.  Niall hasn’t done this… _this,_ with anyone _but_ him.

“Oh, babe.”  He reaches leans back over and kisses him, biting at his lips, before soothing with his tongue. 

“Oh god!”  And there it is, Harry starts to press up, into that gland as he works to relax Niall’s body.

“How about I get down here, huh?”  And he moves down, fingers pressing unerringly into his prostate.  He noses at Niall’s red cock, hard and pulsing.  “How about I suck that tension right out of you, make ya relax.”  And then he gets his mouth on it, sucking the head into his mouth tonguing at the slit, sipping at the precome leaking steadily.  “How about I do this until you come, then I’ll get you hard as I finish opening you up and then shag you ‘till you scream.”  He goes right back to sucking down on Niall’s cock, head moving up and down as Niall pants and moans above him.

“Please, Hazza, I’m – I’m -”  And Harry can feel his cock tensing jumping in his mouth, but his rim is relaxing opening up and then Niall’s hips are jerking up as his hands land in his hair,  pulling Harry down on his dick and coming down his throat.  He pulls off slow, cleaning Niall’s dick with small licks, the dick twitching and pink.  He pulls his fingers out and leans over Niall on the bed.  His arse is just barely on the bed, legs hanging over and his chest is heaving.

“Hiya,” And his voice sounds raw as he kisses it into Niall’s neck.

“Sorry- Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”  And he can’t really finish that sentence because Harry’s kissing him again, messy and wet.

“Don’t be.”  He mutters as he pulls away.  He falls to his knees between Niall’s spread legs.  “We’re not done yet.”  And then Harry leans in tracing his tongue around the whorl between Niall’s legs.  The Irishman groans but he twitches his hips toward Harry not away.  So he presses in again tongue flat and wet and he can feel the muscle give way.

So Harry presses a hand down, right over Niall’s hip as he points his tongue and starts to work the muscle in and out.  He wants Niall to be a relaxed sopping mess when he’s done with him.  The lube taste strange and clinical but he works past that, as Niall’s hands find his way back to his hair and he presses back against Harry’s face, sobbing breaths being pulled from his body.

And god, Harry just lives for the noises coming out of Niall’s mouth, moans, whispers, all mixed up with choked out versions of his name.   This time when he presses in with two fingers there is no resistance.  He presses up against that gland again, Niall’s hips shooting up then, pushing back against his fingers and his face, and finally he’s in with three fingers.  Stroking in and out pressing up into his prostate and Niall’s hips are trembling pressing up in abortive little jerks as he rides Harry fingers.

Niall’s getting hard again, but that was the plan, his body’s all relaxed and blissed out, but Harry knows his body almost as well as he knows his own, or he used to, wants to get there again.  He rises from his knees and just swallows his dick down, sucking on it until comes to full hardness in his mouth.

Niall’s whimpering, whining as Harry plays every card he has.  He finally pulls away, patting next to Niall for the condom that he pulled out of his wallet earlier.  His hands are shaking as he tears open the packet, pinching the tip as he rolls it down his cock.  He looks up to see Niall watching him, lust darkened eyes hazy.

“C’mon Harry, c’mon, it’s been long enough.”  And yeah, it has.  He squirts out more lube than probably necessary but he slathers his dick with it.  Niall pushes himself back a bit, giving Harry room to climb up on the mattress, they both reach for a pillow but Harry lets Niall situation it under his bum as he snubs the head of his dick to Niall’s arse.  When he looks back up Niall just nods and Harry presses his hips, guiding the head of his cock in.  He stops once the head is in and waits as he can feel Niall’s body tense then relax around him.

“That’s it Ni, relax for me,” He presses in and out on a small thrust, warming up Niall’s body to him.  “That’s right.”  He leans down over Niall kissing his chest up his chest, to his neck right back to that love bite he made earlier, sucking on it again. He starts to press in deeper, inching his way in slowly.  “Feel that?  Feel you opening up for me?”  And he his, his hips are wide, feet on the bed, twitching into the mattress, arse thrusting up trying to get Harry in deeper.  Niall’s hands are on his hips trying to speed up his rhythm but Harry’s going to take him apart.

“Jesus, stop fucking teasing me… I- just- now- please?”  And Niall’s begs so nicely that Harry can’t help it.  He finally thrust in all the way, his large cock burrowing his way into Niall’s body, re-claiming it for his own.   “Oh God, Oh God.”  And Niall hands move up his body until they are cupping his neck, moving him in to kiss him.  It’s a little chaotic and Niall bites at his lips and he pulls his hips back all the way just to thrust right back in.  But he starts a rhythm, in-out, to drive them both mad.

He can barely breath with how good Niall feels around him, hot and tight and its feels familiar and not at the same time, because Niall’s voice is deeper than it used to be and instead of just moaning, he’s choking out broken sentences, _so good, fuckin’ perfect, more, harder._   And he knows he’s not going to last.   He grabs Niall hip, tilting him up changing the angle and he can feel the nub of his prostate on the head of his dick, so he aims for it his rhythm changing to deep, hard, fast- his balls slapping against Niall’s arse- full, heavy and aching to come.

The sound of their shagging is wet and loud, and Niall’s words, moans and whimpers it all just sounds like music to his ears and he won’t ever love anyone else like this, no one else has even come close to this, he’s never felt passion like this with anyone else and he never wants anyone else ever again, just Niall, only him, only this. 

“Me too, god me too.  Touch me please- please, _please…”_ Its then Harry realizes he’s been talking, slurring all that shit out loud right into Niall’s neck where his head is nestled, and he lifts Niall’s legs onto his arms and curves one hand around to get a hand on his cock.  Niall can’t do anything just lay there and take it as Harry just plows into him and it only takes two quick strokes before Niall’s coming and he’s tightening around him and Harry’s coming, his brain turns to static and there’s black on the edge of his vision as he drops Niall’s legs and catches himself.

But then Niall’s kissing him, threading his hands through his hair, licking into his mouth, helping him come down gently as his hips twitch against him with small presses to his bum.

It takes a minute and he slow to pull out, trying to be gentle but needing to dispose of the condom, throwing it near the garbage can as he rolls to lie beside Niall.  Both of them catching their breath.

“Not what I had in mind for tonight.”  Harry tells him, pressing a kiss to his shoulder as he looks down his body, pressing his thumb to Niall’s tattoo.  Now that he can touch it he’s never going to leave it alone, ever.  It doesn’t help that Niall’s body is flushed pink and he feels that he never really appreciated that before.

“Me either, but my pace, remember?”  Niall tells him, leaning over kissing him again, and then again.

“I guess I need to buy condoms?”  Harry asks but really it’s his way of asking if this is going to happen again or was this it? That thought just scares him to death.

“Probably, I think I might have one in my car, but it might be expired,” He ends on a laugh turning on his side so they are lying facing each other.

“Maybe for later?  Should we go try and figure out dinner now?”  Harry asks because he knows how Niall’s stomach works, if he wasn’t hungry before he will be soon.

“Maybe we order take-away?”  Taking Harry’s suggesting from before, and he can’t stop looking at Niall spread out on his bed.  Harry nods, a different hunger starting to sit low in his belly.  He needs to get out of here, get clothes on, something, because he hadn’t been planning on this at all but if he had, this- shagging- would be much farther down the road.

“Loos through there if you want to clean up a bit, I’ll meet you in the kitchen?”  Harry asks, going over to the dresser pulling out a pair of joggers and pulling them on.   When he looks over Niall is giving him a soft look, smiling.

“Yeah,” and Harry can’t help but watch him walk away naked because Niall has always been the most attractive person in the world to him and then makes his escape to the kitchen, to have a mini panic attack. 

Because, Oh my god- what was that?  Did he just fuck everything up? But he made sure.  He asked Niall, right?  He remembers asking him if he was sure….

He can’t help thinking, that was too much, too quick, they went way too fast, this was their first date, and sure not really because they already had the night at the rehearsal dinner, then the dinner with Anne and Robin when he got back from France, then they went to his house and went through some of the boxes and while that wasn’t a complete disaster they still haven’t had a date?  And is that a big deal? 

What if he’s missing a step, there really isn’t a 12 step program to winning back your ex.  He could be missing something huge…  He can’t really trust Niall to tell him yet, because they aren’t back to that yet, are they?  Maybe they are?  Niall’s always been open and honest.  When asked but…

Are they dating if they haven’t had a date? Oh god, he’s so confused.

“Hey.”  Harry’s head snaps up from the menu he’s looking at.  Most of the smoke has cleared and he got the dishes in the dishwasher while the food went in the rubbish bin, while his thoughts were racing through his head.

“Hey.”  And he’s wearing his clothes, his old old _old_ Rolling Stones T-shirt that he used to wear and a pair of black trackies that are a little too long so they drag on the floor.  Niall’s always looks good in his clothes.

Niall walks right up to him, presses a fingertip right between his eyes where he knows the skin furrows when he gets stressed out, “Stop thinking so hard.  I’m good, you’re good, _we’re good._ Promise.”  He takes Harry’s hand, threads their fingers together and suddenly Harry can breathe again.

“Okay, okay,” And he pulls Niall close, “We’re good.”  And Niall’s arms wrap around him and its okay, maybe they did go too fast, but its okay, “We’re good.”  He reiterates, letting it sink in.  Niall would tell him if he’s not okay.  He wouldn’t be standing here in Harry’s kitchen, in Harry’s clothes, holding him if he wasn’t okay.

“We’re actually really freakin’ great, but you know what I mean.”  Harry laughs when Niall kisses him, “Now, what’s for dinner?”

Harry really can't slow his pulse, it feels like it's beating irregularly fast, even as they’re sitting at the romantic little table that he had set up for a different meal.  Niall’s across from him eating quietly, but he just can't quit starting.

Because Niall is beautiful, and his- he thinks.

“Just ask.” Niall looks up from his meal, blue eyes bright, and he seems much more comfortable, like he’s finally _Niall_ again.  Not the same Niall that he used to know, but not a fake, worried, anxious Niall. “You keep starting at me and you're not eating.  So just ask what you need to ask.”

He looks at his plate, pushing the noodles around with his chopsticks. “What are we now?” He ends up asking because he really doesn't know what else to ask.  _Are we still okay?  Are you my boyfriend now?_ Both don't really seem to work.

Niall tilts his head while he thinks, “We're a _thing.”_ He decides, nodding to stress the point.  Harry can see a small love bite on his neck and it makes him want to smile because, well, _he put it there._

“A thing?”

“Yeah, like I'm interested in you, you’re interested in me, we aren't interested in other people, we don't see other people. Like that stage right before boyfriends.  We're definitively a _thing.”_ The way Niall says it makes him laugh.

“So what's the step to move past being a _thing_?” Harry can't help but laugh because this conversation is ridiculous, but they are both smiling, and his heart rate is coming down, finally.

“Maybe an actual date?” Niall jokes, at that he feels Niall’s toes poking his thigh and he catches the foot, rubbing circles on the raised ankle bone. He smiles when he feels the goosebumps.  His mind flashes back to when he first saw Niall again, at the very end of June, how he had looked- _sounded_ so cold and he can't believe how far they've come.

“Maybe when I get back?” Is them that he realizes that they really haven’t talked much Niall got here. The Irish man raises an eyebrow in question and Harry goes to automatically answer, “I go back to France tomorrow morning. Jeff is picking me up bright and early here in the morning.”

“Well either way I'll still be here when you get back.  I'm meeting Ed tomorrow at the studio and we'll see what comes out of it.”  Niall’s almost finished eating.

“That's great,” he doesn't quite have the courage to ask when they can write- _their songs_ -because he knows they'll be great.

“What's not so great is explaining to him this.” Niall waves a hand between the two of them and Harry gets that.

“Well I've talked to him lately and he didn't seem upset.”  Harry offers. And he didn't, the conversation was more like, what _the hell man?  You know I've written with your ex right?_

“Yeah, but I was the one that didn't say anything when you requested to record those songs,  hell, Ed sent you one, and I never said anything. I didn't lie but I didn't offer the truth.”  From the way Niall looks down and messes with the napkin on the table, he knows he feels a little guilty about it.

“Why didn’t you?”  Harry is finally starting to get more comfortable, his stomach isn't in knots so he starts to eat, realizing, yes, he’s very hungry.

“Well I guess I just didn't want it out there, you had scrubbed all you're social media once you got verified so I figured it was am image thing for you,  and I didn't want to be ‘that guy’ ya know? The one that’s just known for dating someone famous.” Harry nods, there’s probably more to it, and he hopes that if Niall feels the need to talk about it then they can. But really he needs to know what this was… what tonight _is_.

Niall kicks back in his chair once Harry’s done eating and puts both his feet in his lap.  He's not tactile or nervous in the gesture, it’s the most relaxed Harry had seen him since they were both drink on champagne in the rose garden. He brings his hands down once again rubbing the soft skin around the delicate ankle bone.  The comfort and the way Niall moves... he loves it, it eases an ache he didn't even know he had.

“So… what was this then?” Harry asks, waving back to the main house, but he knows Niall knows what he means.

“I believe you, when you say you’re sorry, that you regret things, that you wish things were different.  This is me moving forward, _with you,_ yeah we don't have everything figured out, and we are not on the same level when it comes to trust, but I want to feel like us again, and I do now, at least I’m a lot closer now anyway.  I feel de-stressed, but that might have something to do with orgasms so I don't know.”  Niall tells him. And he does seem a little bit more carefree, a lot more relaxed.

“Ok,” he draws it out, not really knowing what to say.

“Haz, stop thinking so hard,” He pulls his feet out of Harry’s lap despite his attempt to keep them and he shuffle his chair around so that he's sitting beside him. “Look at me,” for some reason he doesn't want to have this conversation now, even though he was theft one that wanted to know.  But Niall’s not saying anything and Harry knows he won't, so he looks up and Niall doesn’t look angry, or annoyed.  He's looking at Harry smiling turning up the corners of his lips, blue eyes crinkling at the edges, “we need to go our pace, now. I don't want you to keep having to wonder if you’re doing something wrong or stop yourself from touching me, kissing me, grabbing my hand. I want both of us to be comfortable. I don't want you to just think that one wrong move will have me running.”

“But I promised…” because he regrets telling Niall that if it doesn't work he'd leave him alone forever.

“Yeah and I appreciate that because that was what I needed, _then_. Now I need you here, in this kinda sorta soon-to-be relationship and unafraid that one wrong move will end it all. Think we're past that now.”

Harry doesn't stop the smile that spreads across his face at that. He sincerely welcomes the idea of not ‘living in fear’ of making a mistake. Maybe they are closer to making this work than they were before.

He's not graceful at all when he reaches for Niall, pulling him off his own chair and into his lap.  Niall’s laughing, but he lets Harry manhandle him so he's straddling him,  which probably isn't the most comfortable for him but it does get his hands on Niall’s arse so that a plus.

“So we're together in this _thing_ , huh?” Harry asks and Niall’s face is bright above him, shining like the sun. He looks really _happy_ for the first in ages.  Harry can't even describe how it feels to even be partially responsible for that.

“Yeah, we kinda are.” Niall takes his arms and lays them over his shoulders so that he can lean down and press his lips to Harry’s. His heart just flips in his chest because this, this is real joy he's feeling.  He brings his hands up, cupping them around his neck, keeping him in place.  And he can taste the spices from his food on his lips and he doesn't want to be afraid any more, he doesn't want to be afraid to ask Niall for what he wants.

“Stay?”  He asks pulling away to catch his breath, feeling accomplished to because Niall’s already flushed, eyes wide and dark. He loves making Niall look like that.

“Yeah.”

_\----_

Niall’s having a hard time waking up in the morning, but that's no surprise, he really doesn't like mornings unless he's waking up for golf.

He feels like he should be disoriented,  but it's comfortable and familiar pulling Harry’s body back into his, nuzzles his nose into his hair, and settles back so that he can fall back to sleep.  It's then that he notices Harry’s quiet laughter as he works to pry Niall’s hands from his waist.

He can't really help the moan as Harry wiggles trying to break free, “Hmm, stop it, sleep.”

“I can't, Ni, I have to get up, Jeff will be here in soon and I need to pack and shower.”  His voice is still husky from sleep and Niall really doesn't want to think too hard about it because they only had one condom, there wasn’t one in his car, and they need to both get tested before they even consider not using protection.  Niall lets him go, tuning to lay on his back and Harry takes the opportunity to press a kiss to his forehead, then his cheek, then his lips.

Niall doesn't have a problem falling back into a light sleep. He can hear Harry starting the shower, shutting it off, moving around the room, the zipper of suitcase.

He doesn’t open his eyes again until he feels Harry crawl up and over his body, one of those lean legs settling between his.  When he opens his eyes, Harry’s face is above his, forearms on either side of his head.   He leans down and presses a kiss to his lips.

“Do you want to stay and sleep a while?”  Harry asks and while he kind of likes the idea of staying in a bed that smells like them, he should go home and get ready to meet Ed.

“No, I should get up too; I can leave when you leave.” Niall’s brains starting to click with it, slowly coming on line.

“Walk me out?”  Harry asks and Niall echoes his soft smile.

“Yeah, toothbrush?”  Harry shakes his head and Niall does laugh then, “No condoms, no toothbrushes, you are woefully unprepared for a sleepover.”

“It’s because I haven’t had one in…”  Niall just takes him in as he thinks, like he’s trying to honestly remember.  The thing is he knows he’s been Harry’s focus for a while, it just feels different to trust that it’s true, to know that it’s not just a ploy.

“Don’t think too hard about it, I’ll just use yours.”  But really he’s not moving, he’s just staying here, caged under Harry and he likes it.  He likes being back here, so he’s not going to push Harry off any quicker than he has to.

But he does get up, brush his teeth, and get dressed in the clothes from last night.  When he walks out of the bathroom, dressed in last night’s clothes and with minty fresh breath, Harry’s waiting for him sitting on the bed scrolling through his phone.   When Harry’s eyes meet his he can’t help but smile because well, he’s just relaxed, calm.  It’s almost like now that they finally shagged, he doesn’t have anything to be nervous about. 

Sure, they still have stuff to work through, and yeah, it may not work out in the end but, right now, he’s got a good feeling. 

 “I don’t want to go, I feel like I’m living in a dream right now and I don’t want to risk it falling apart.”  It’s just above a whisper and Niall gets it he really does, because even though he instigated all of last night- he didn’t know what he was doing.

“Oh, pet,” He walks over stands between Harry’s spread legs and puts a hand on the back of his neck, trying to massage away some of the tension.  “It’s not a dream, and really you’ll be back before you know it.”

“Promise?”  Harry rests his forehead on his belly and Niall runs his other hand over his hair.  The drying hair just starting to curl over his ears; it’s adorable.

“Yeah, promise.”

Niall barely gets to meet Jeff when he comes to pick Harry up, but he has to push Harry away on a laugh, because he doesn’t want to stop kissing him goodbye.  Jeff is continually giving him calculated look and he just doesn’t know what to think about that.

It’s only about three hours later that he’s walking into the studio they that have rented, looking for Ed’s familiar shock of red hair.  When he doesn’t see it he head on into the production room and there he is.

He hasn’t been looking forward to this, having to explain the whole Harry thing and why he never said anything when Harry first recorded their tracks.

“Hey mate,” Niall greets him and Ed’s head snaps up from where he’s working just to meet his eyes and smile.

“Niall!”  The other man is up and around to give him a hug before Niall even knows what going and he laughs as he’s lifted up off his feet.

“Mate, it’s been too long.”  He laughs, both feet now on the grounds.

“To true?  What the fuck thought?”  Ed asks him waving his hand up and down Niall’s frame.  He looks down then back at those warm familiar blue eyes.

“What?” he finally asks because well he’s just confused.

“You look happy, like actually really happy.  I’ve never seen you like this before.”  Niall can’t help the smile that breaks from that and Ed just shakes his head, “Guessing no more heartbreak songs then?”

“Maybe we’ll just mix it up a bit instead?”  Niall prompts dropping down into the seat next to Ed.  “But first do you want to know?  Why I never told you about Harry and me?”  He has to ask, he’s doesn’t like the feeling of guilt that sits in his belly.

“Ni, that’s your business, your story, and I really don’t need to know.” 

“Ok, then.”  Niall feels better after that, he knows that he’ll end up sharing parts of the stories with Ed, now that he doesn’t purposefully leave him out of conversation, but if Ed’s not going to make a big deal out of it then he won’t either.

The sun is sitting really low in the sky when they finally leave the studio to go get some food, it’s been a successful day and Niall’s pretty happy with the progress they’ve made. He and Ed are in their own little music world when he finally hears his name, once then again louder.

When he turns, he’s a little surprised who he sees.

“Ellie.”  But he smiles because she is and she called out to him so that must mean something, “Hey.”  He doesn’t even really think about it, just holds his arms open in a hug and she walks right into it.  She feels the same as she used to but it doesn’t feel romantic like it used to.  Is more like hugging a friend or family.

“Hey, how are you?  You look good.”  She lifts a hand brushes it over his hair barely making contact.

“Good, good, you too.  How are you?”  He asks and he remembers back to when he first knew he would be seeing Harry again, how scared he was, how he just didn’t want it to happen.  He’d been worried about running into Harry. Thinking of ways of how best to avoid him since he was moving back.  It was on his mind always a thought on the backburner.  He’d never once worried about running into Ellie. Didn’t even think about her, didn’t think to avoid this studio knowing that her and Ed often use the same one.   It wasn’t like she didn’t cross his mind; it was more along the lines that he just wasn’t worried about it.

It’s easy to see now, looking back, that the fear he felt had more to do with the feelings still had towards Harry; the worry of Harry being able to _see_ that he still had feelings for him.  Right now seeing Ellie, he feel’s nothing, not resentment for what could have been, not anger for leaving him, just nothing but the good feeling of seeing an old friend. 

The three of them chat quickly, catching up, talking business but eventually its Ellie that finally brings up the bruise on his neck, which he had completely forgot about, how he looks happier now, and she finally asks, “Was I right?”  She doesn’t seem hurt or upset just really curious.

It only takes him a second to figure out what she’s talking about.  “I don’t know.”  Is what he ends up telling her- he can’t tell her that she’s right about him still being in love with Harry- because he’s still just not sure yet.  Well it’s not even that, he just doesn’t know if he wants to admit it to himself or Harry just yet.

“Well, I will see you around, don’t be a stranger” When she turns to walk away Niall gets the feeling that he isn’t going to see her again soon.

By the time he gets home he has a missed call from Harry and instead of calling he texts, because he know the other has a pretty busy day tomorrow and its late.  When he doesn’t get a text back he guesses the other boy is asleep.

When he wakes in the morning, he has a text back telling him exactly that and knowing that its getting close to audition time he just sends a good luck text.  He doesn’t expect his phone to ring almost instantly.

“Hey,” He hasn’t gotten out of bed yet, hasn’t even gotten up to brush his teeth and his voice sounds hoarse even to his own ears.

“So I'm being a stupid jealous twat.”  Niall pauses as the words sink in, flops over to his back and just tries to think, because any way you look at it that is an odd way to start a conversation.

“Okay- and how's that working out for you?” He asks because Harry doesn't sound angry or upset, but he sounds annoyed and sometimes the tone of his voice is the best thing to listen to judge his mood.

“Well it’s dumb, because I know is nothing, but I still have to ask you because it's going to bother me if I don't, but if I ask you you're going to get mad and then I look like a jealous stupid twat.”  And okay, something is really bothering him. Niall doubts it will make him angry but if it's bothering Harry then they should talk about it.   He knows he said they were a _thing_ but that still means they are in some sort of relationship.  Also the idea of Harry being bothered for an extended period of time already puts him on edge.

“Just say it Haz,” Because he can’t work with this yet, he needs more information.

“I saw a picture of you Ed and Ellie, outside the studio, she was giving you a hug, and it pissed me off even though it shouldn't.”  He sounds annoyed but instinctively Niall knows he's not annoyed with him, but Harry’s more annoyed with himself.

At first he doesn’t even know what to say because, well yeah, that happened.  “Okay, yes we ran into her outside the studio.”  Niall tells him and he doesn’t know what Harry wants to hear so he goes with the truth, “She just gave me a hug and we caught up.”

“The headline said that you were sparking up your old romance and things with me had apparently fizzled out.”  Now he just sounds like he pouting, and Niall really, really wants to laugh but he know that would make things so much worse.

“Well, I’m not in a _thing_ with her am I?  Who am I in an almost-boyfriend-like-relationship with?”  Niall ends up asking.

“Me.”  Harry still sounds like he’s frowning.

“Have things with us fizzled out?”  Niall asks and he can’t help that he laughs a little bit when he asks it.

“Well, I didn’t think so, but we did only shag that once and maybe it wasn’t my best work…”  Niall interrupts him with a full on laugh because that is just idiotic.

“If that wasn’t then I will be unconscious when we do finally work up to ‘your best work’ because it was great, Haz.  And we would have shagged more if you would have been prepared.”  Niall points it out because it’s true. 

“Why would I assume?  I didn’t want to pressure you!”  Harry yelps over the phone and Niall can’t help but feel like the crisis is adverted at least a little bit.

“You didn’t, no pressure, it was my advances, my idea, and I’d really like to do it again as soon as possible, but to do that you have to have a clear head going into this audition so you can come home. So…”  He pauses for dramatic effect, waiting until Harry _hmms_ in questions.  “Just to clear things up, I don’t want Ellie, I want you.  She and I parted ways on good terms but I don’t see myself ever calling her up for a chat or to catch up over pints.  I’m all yours right now.”  He doesn’t really know any other way to say it, and he wants to ease Harry’s mind.  If they continue this they are going to run into it again.

“Hmm, all mine.”  Harry’s voice has taken on a little bit of a darker huskier tone and Niall gets it.  Harry sometimes did have a possessive streak, not that he ever really got jealous.  This is actually the most he’s ever seen, but he did always like to have a hand on Niall, or brush over his shoulder, loop an arm around his waist or something to let that guy or that girl over there know that he was taken.  It never bothered Niall; he always enjoyed Harry’s constant affection.

“Yeah, so when’s your audition?”

“About a half hour, the car is on its way to get me.  I should be calling you in just a couple hours to share good news, I think?”  He sounds a little unsure.  He can almost see Harry’s timid glance as he looks down at his feet, toes pointed in towards each other, the way his shoulders tuck and curve in.

“You’ll be fine.  You’ve got this, pet, and you know it.”  Niall can’t help the smile that shifts across his face.

“I really want to think that, but what if I was just over confident? What if I read it wrong?  What if…”

“Haz, stop it.  You’re making yourself nervous over nothing.  Just deep breaths and think positive thoughts.”  Niall tells him.   The sunlight has moved to the bed telling Niall that it is really time for him to get out of it; to get going with his day.

“I want to be home with you.”  Harry is back to sounding soft, but there is confidence in his voice and out of everything Niall is glad, so glad, that last night gave Harry some of his confidence back.  They turned a corner last night, it’s like they are no longer so afraid of making a wrong move.

“Yeah?”

“I want to work through all this stuff and finally be really back together with you.  Isn’t that what you want too?” 

“Yeah, yeah, it is.”  It comes out on a breathy sigh because this older, more mature Harry is a lot better at being blunt than the younger Harry he used to know and he likes it.

“In case you didn’t figure it out last night, I still love you.”  Niall loses his breath, it just freezes in his lungs, but now he doesn’t get angry that Harry does that to him.

“Yeah, uhm, I picked up on that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make things weird.”

“No, no you didn’t… it just…”  And what can he say, that he’s just not ready to say it back yet, doesn’t want to say it until he’s sure, completely sure.

“Hey, my rides here I’ll call you soon okay?”

“Yes, please.” 

“’K, bye.”

“Bye.”  When they disconnect Niall can’t help but feel a little off, it’s just- does he really love Harry.  He doesn’t question Harry or his emotions.  If Harry says he still loves him that’s what he feels, but he still feels that twinge of fear, that worry that once he gives Harry everything it will all slip away again. 

He finally gets up and about his day, goes to the studio, then the market, and the sun is really starting to lower from the highest point in the sky when he realizes that he still hasn’t heard from Harry and it’s been almost four hours. He’s locked himself in his office going over the start of the schedule for next year, extra freelancing jobs he wants to take, but it’s not enough to keep his mind off Harry.  He debates about calling him, but he doesn’t want to be clingy, is it clingy, he trust Harry he does, he just…

He hates being unsure.

Its only twenty minutes later his phone is ringing and he smiles as he picks up.

“Gems!  How…”  But he doesn’t get to finish his sentence because she’s already talking over him.

“Niall where are you? We have to leave.”  She sounds worried, actually panicked is a better word.

“I’m at home.  What are you talking about?”  He hears her yelling at someone in the background, he doesn’t know who but then she’s back with him.

“Jeff didn’t call you?”

“Jeff?  What? No.”  He is getting a bad feeling about this.  It takes a lot to shake Gemma, she is one of the strongest people he knows.

“Oh God, Niall, Jesus- its Harry.  There was a car accident, the car he was being driven in was hit and it went off the road.  He’s in the hospital.  Jeff booked us a plane; Mom, Robin, and I are leaving in 10 minutes.”

His mind turns to static, there are literal white lines running through his vision and he rocks back in the office chair.  He feels like he’s going to vomit, the acid in his stomach burning up his throat.

“What?  Is he ok?”  He doesn’t recognize his own voice as he speaks. 

“We don’t know, we don’t know anything and it happened a couple hours ago. Niall, how fast can you get here?”  He can hear the wind through the phone, hear her rushed footsteps.

“I- I don’t know.”  He looks at the time, its rush hour; there is no way he can get to Heathrow quick enough.  He grabs his computer, there is a train leaving in 30 minutes.   He buys a ticket even though the cost is three times the normal cost. “I can’t get there,- um not to the airport- but I can get to the train station.  Go take the plane; I’ll be there in 3 hours.”

“Ok, ok, I will keep you updated as soon as we get there.” She promises.

He doesn’t remember packing a bag, grabbing his things but he’s out of the house with his luggage and on the tube and at the station in 20 minutes.  He feels like he’s moving warp speed until he gets on the train then he just stops.   It’s like time has stopped.  He barely notices the people around him getting settled, the attendants working on the train checking tickets.

He’s in his seat when he realizes he’s breathing fast, faster than normal.  The reason the ticket was so high was because it was in the first class section. It’s much more private and there are less people here to view his almost breakdown.  He drops his head, keeps it low between his knees, takes deep calming breathes. One- Two- Three- Four-Five, he keeps counting breathes in and out.

 He can hear the announcements but he doesn’t know what they are saying.  His mind can’t seem to process anything right now, the only thing he really knows is that he doesn’t know if Harry is alive or dead and he loves him.   

He loves him.

Did he hate him for a while-yes- but you can love someone and still hate what they’ve done to you.

It might not feel the same as four years ago, but it’s definitely love.

He can’t help the panic that sets in.  He remembers waking up in the hospital, alone, his mum just gone for a little while, to shower and change clothes.  He remembers learning that he’d had surgery, that his knee was busted, that they suspected nerve damage from shards of glass removed from his forearm; that he would have to go through weeks of physical therapy. The absolute fear that had sunk into his bones; when he was alone in a sterile, cold hospital room where nothing was familiar.  The icy feeling of terror in not being able to remember -not knowing what was going on.  His mind being foggy and mixed up from the anesthesia. Of trying to remember the accident, but just remembering screeching metal and the awful smell of the airbags. Crying when he saw his mum, a 23 year old boy sobbing into his mums arms because his dreams were destroyed-again.

The train is moving well out of London when he finally realizes the irony.  His car accident is what made Harry re-evaluate his life and now here he is doing the same.  He’s still in love with Harry- _what the hell is he waiting for?_ For Harry to be sorry?  He is.  For him to prove it?  He has. For everything to be perfect? It never will be.  For them to have everything figured out?   They never will.  Their lives will always be changing, and they will change with it- together.

Jesus, what if he never gets to tell Harry he loves him back.  Right now ending that last phone call the way he did makes him sick.  Why did he stutter, why couldn’t he just say, _yes Harry, I love you too._

The first text from Gemma comes almost two hours later, he’s only thirty minute out now. 

**At the hospital, he was brought in unconscious, almost done running tests.**

His response is quick

**Have you seen him?**

**No hopefully soon.  Told jeff your coming there will be a car for you.**

 Jeff is insanely efficient it appears, because there is a car waiting for him at the station and it takes him straight to the hospital.  The driver drops him off exactly where he needs to be and Gemma is waiting at the door when he gets there. 

He doesn’t remember rushing towards her, but she’s in his arms and all she says is “He’s okay, the tests are coming back good, he’s okay.”  He feels like he’s taking his first breath ever, oxygen hits his blood and he tucks his head into her neck as feeling rushes to his extremities.  He can’t cry, not yet.

“Is he...”  _Awake, ok, talking, sleeping,_ God he doesn’t even know what he wants to ask, but Gemma holds his hand as she takes him to the private waiting room.  It’s just the four of them in a small room.  Anne is there and she wraps him in a hug.

“I’m so sorry, baby, I didn’t know that Jeff didn’t call you.”  Anne looks like she’s been crying but Niall holds onto the fact that Gemma told him that he’s okay.

“No, no, it’s…”

“Jeff has your number now, we gave it to him.”    But all he really hopes is that this never happens again.

The hospital is efficient.  They keep getting updates from nurses letting them know,  he's done here,  moving him here,  small updates like no broken bones, no swelling in the brain; each one is a blessing.

Then it’s just a waiting game.  The doctor comes in speaks with them a little bit, but Niall is still too shaken to really know what’s going on.  He hears words like MRI, CAT scan, X-rays, but all he can remember is waking up in that bed after his accident experiencing nothing but terror.  Once he gets into that room he’s not leaving Harry’s side, not until he’s awake and calm.

It’s finally a nurse that comes in, “Styles family right?”  She asks receiving nods, “Ok, so we are moving Mr. Styles to ICU, not that he needs intensive care but our security is better there, we understand that he may be a high profile patient.” She pauses just to catch their eyes, make sure they are listening,   “We should be able to release him tomorrow, but we really need to see how he does through the night.  We did keep him under during the tests, with very light sedation but he should be waking up any time.  The tests came back clear.  He did have a large cut on his forehead, but we have closed that with skin glue so the scarring should be minimal.  Since he is in the ICU we have family pods that you can set up in.  We can not allow any phones back with him and we can only allow two at a time for minimal disruptions.  Who would like to come with me?”  She asks.

Niall wants to jump up, but he doesn’t feel that it is right, not yet.  God he can’t even tell them that they are dating.  They are just a _thing_ and he’s never felt like more of an idiot.  He’s head over heels in love with Harry.  He doesn’t even know what he was thinking.  But he wasn't thinking this.

Anne stands up, offers her hand to Niall, “C’mon, Harry needs you.”  She tells him and he shakes his head.

“Once…”  And he has to stop because he’s choked up, “Once I go back there, I’m staying.”  He looks over to Gemma, “Why don’t you go?”  Gemma shakes her head.

“Go Niall.”  She tells him. But the nurse ends it for them.

“Oh dear lord, all four of you come with me. You’re lucky he doesn’t actually need to be in the ICU or I couldn’t break these rules.” She rolls her eyes but they all shuffle after her, following her through the maze.  They get buzzed in through the security desk and then through another maze of pods until they can finally see him.

Niall has another moment of pure absolute panic, because he is pale, so _pale,_ and the whole left side of his face is bruised, a cut runs from his eye brow to his hair line, but its clean and covered in that strange purple surgical glue.  There is an IV in his right arm, his left wrist is wrapped, and electrodes monitoring his heart rate, oxygen levels, and blood pressure.   Niall feels like he’s about to pass out again until Anne squeezes his hand. 

He looks over and she has a tear running down her cheek and he squeezes her hand back.  The nurses are shuffling around him; he obviously just got settled, and they make their way back out letting them in. Niall walks to the chair in the left side of the bed and drops into it, rolling up to the bed to hold Harry’s hand. 

Harry’s family talk to him, but Niall doesn’t know what to say.  I love you seems wrong when Harry’s not even awake to appreciate it. So he goes with nothing instead.  He just keeps holding his hand.  He can’t help but think of how naked he looks without all his rings adorning his fingers.  He’s not used to it; to be honest he never wants to see him like this again- ever.

It doesn’t take long for Anne to realize that he was serious.  He’s staying; he’s not going to let Harry wake up alone.  He just can’t do it.  But they don’t really talk much. Jeff comes back and tells them what he learned about the accident.  Someone had run a stop sign, hit them as they were going through the intersection knocking them off the road and into the ditch.  They can tell that the car flipped and that was most likely what caused Harry to be knocked unconscious but both him and the driver were wearing their seatbelts.  The two drivers are fine and Niall only feels slightly guilty that this is the first time that he even thought about them.

It isn’t until Gemma and Robin go to settle into the hotel that Anne and Niall really start to talk, carrying on a conversation over Harry, then about Harry, each holding a hand.

“I’m happy for you boys.  Did you decide to try again?”  Anne finally asks. 

“Yeah,” It’s pretty obvious at this point isn’t it, they are both in this now, he can try to play it cool or whatever the hell he was doing but… it’s not worth it.   What if Harry doesn’t know that he loves him?  What if something happens, Harry doesn’t wake up and he doesn’t know that Niall _does_ love him.  Niall’s such a fool.

He loses sense of time for a while.  He knows that he drifts off to sleep for a while, so does Anne.   He looks down at the watch to see what time it is and its only 9:00.  The accident happened just after noon.  He’s been asleep for too long.  What if something is wrong?  But the nurses are in and out every hour, checking his vitals, monitoring and logging everything.

Anne runs to get them more coffee and Niall figures it’s just his luck that he finally goes to run to the loo when Harry starts to fight through the light anesthesia that they had given him.  Just as he’s walking back through the door, those green eyes are starting to flutter open, and he can already see the confusion, the panic, but he halts in the doorway, something freezing him in his step but Harry sees him, instantly, and Niall can see the tears in his eyes, and yes he gets it, that utter confusion, complete fucking disorientation that comes with waking up.  Harry puts his hands down tries to sit himself up but he yelps slightly looking down to see his wrist in a brace.

That is what spurns him into action, rushing forward, and Harry drops back down to the bed raising his arms and Niall is hugging him the best he can, with the IV in his arm and the brace on his wrist and all the machines he’s hooked up to.  He can feel Harry trembling, tears moistening his neck.

“Shh, pet, it’s okay, you’re all right, I promise.”  He whispers.  Harry’s got to have a headache and that bruise is just massive; he hates seeing it on Harry’s beautiful face.

“What? What?”  Harry’s voice is rusty and Niall pulls back a little bit, sitting on the bed, pressing the button to sit Harry up then call the nurse.  He presses his hair back away from his face, taking in those green eyes, pretty clear considering.

“You were in an accident, pet, someone hit your car.  What do you remember?”  He looks in Harry’s eyes, and he’s thinking, thinking.

“Uhm, the audition, and then we got in the car.  I was getting ready to call you.  It went well.”  That brings a smile that turns quickly to a grimace to his face.  Harry seems to be taking stock in his own body wiggling fingers and toes. “My head hurts, but I feel okay?”  He doesn’t really seem to know himself but Niall’s just thankful, so thankful that those gorgeous green eyes are open and there is no longer any fear in them.

“I’m glad pet, I am,” And he presses a kiss to his forehead and then his cheek then makes room when the doctors and Anne come back.

The entire time Harry refuses to let go of his hand.

\----

He's really having a hard time getting comfortable.  The bed keeps _moving_ and he has these things on his legs to keep his blood circulation regular and the damn oxygen sensor keeps going off.  He had no idea how his mum and Niall are sleeping through it.  His mum is curled up on a chair to his right and Niall’s head is resting on his bed near his hand.  It was only a few minutes ago that he even let go of his hand.

He keeps taking stock, moving his toes and fingers, sitting up to lie back down.  He can see bruises on his left shoulder, but he hasn't seen his face yet. He's guessing it's pretty bad given the gentle way that Niall kept pushing his hair away from his stitches.

He's never really been in the hospital before, but it really does seem awful. But really all he wants to be at home in his own bed, with Niall in it, instead of beside it.

But he's here, that _means_ something. He was so disoriented when he woke up, but he recognized Niall, will always recognize Niall, and knew it was ok.

He doesn't really remember the accident, just barely remembers being thrown against the door, they think that's where the head trauma came from. But he's okay- really fucking lucky that it wasn't worse.

He's tired but he can't really seem to rest.

But Niall’s here, just earlier today he was telling him about being a stupid jealous boyfriend, but here he is.  And Harry’s awake and Niall’s not but…

He runs his hand over Niall hair gently; he learned quickly that his wrist _hurts._ The touch is gentle and it grounds Harry.  He feels better just having him here.

“Hey,” his voice is soft and groggy, “Did you need something?”  Niall goes to sit up, stretching his arms and his back before standing up for a full stretch.  It raises his shirt and he can see the curve of his stomach, he wishes he could do something about it.

He shakes his head no, but he's not sorry he woke the other lad; it's so hard to tell what the time is.  There are no windows and all the light is kept low. He doesn't know if he's supposed to be awake or asleep right now.

“What time is it?” Niall looks around as confused as Harry, but there must be a clock some where behind him.

“2:30 in the morning.” He props his hip on Harry’s bed and really looks far too attractive considering what this day has been like.

“Why don't you take Mum and go get some sleep.”  But Niall just shakes his head at him.

“We're good here.” His smile is tired but relieved.

“So I'm sorry I was an idiot.”  It’s out before Harry even realizes he said it.

“What are you talking about, it was an accident you didn't do anything.”  Niall looks at him like he’s an idiot and of course he knows it was an accident… but that is not what he is talking about.

“Of course I didn't, I meant picture thing.”  He mutters.

“Oh, yeah, it was fine, I wasn’t upset.”  Its better now to hear him say it while looking him in the eyes.

“It just bothers me- that ya know- you weren't with me, other people got to be with you.  I don't me it like possessively but I don't know?”

“Hey, it's one of those things that we are going to have to figure out how to manage.  You and I are both going to be seen in the public with other people, a lot.  We’ll figure it out.”  This is the Niall he likes best, soft, quiet, and fuzzy around the edges. He wants to pull him into the bed and cuddle with him, but he knows that is not going to happen.

“I just didn't like it, being jealous. It’s awful.” It was the hurt, rolled up with anger, and an almost feeling of betrayal. All of it was just pointless.

“I think once we're a little more…”  He pauses and Harry knows he’s just looking for the right word, “…steady, maybe?  New and tentative is always weird right, but it'll get better.  You’re not a jealous person and I know you trust me.”   That makes Harry’s chest loosen.  He didn’t want to have a stupid fight over a stupid picture that he knows doesn’t mean anything.

Niall looks tired, and Harry really wishes the other boy could just climb in the bed with him.  Maybe then they would both get some decent sleep but he knows that’s not an option and, well, his mum is _right_ _there._

It doesn’t help that Niall looks worried, concerned.  Harry really likes the light hearted, laughing Niall the best.  “Why do you look so depressed?”  Harry finally asks and Niall gives him a look that just says, _you’re an idiot…_ okay, yeah, he gets it.  He’s in the hospital, ICU even, but he really doesn’t need to be here.  “Like what’s going through your head?”

“I get it now.”  Is what Niall ends up saying after looking around the room for a good handful of seconds.

“What do you mean?”  This could be important or it could be nothing, you could never tell with the way that Niall’s mind works.

“Remember that fucking _awful_ conversation on your sofa and you basically said my accident changed everything.  I didn’t get it- I mean I knew what you were saying, but I didn’t _get_ it.”  Harry turns that over in his head.  He waits then lets out an ‘ _hmm’_ just to show he's still listening.  So Niall looks away but he continues, “I don't really remember the train ride to France, I don’t know how long we in at the hospital waiting room.  I just- I just kept remember waking up in my own hospital room terrified.

“My mum had left for just like a half hour, just to like shower and grab some food.  She had been there the whole time.  I was so disoriented and they were trying to talking to me. And I didn't understand anything.  It wasn't until the next day that I learned they had needed to reconstruct my knee and remove shrapnel from my arm.”  Harry can’t stop himself from reaching out to him, grabs Niall’s hand with his left even though it still hurts.  Niall looks like he’s about to cry and he can’t stand that.   _Never_. “That's when I leaned that my golf career was gone.  Something happened with the glass and my grip strength would never be the same and my hand would shake, bad sometimes, but that got better with therapy.”  He stopped there, took a deep breath and looked back at Harry.  His eyes are shiny, tear bright.

“But all I could think was that I couldn't let up wake up alone. I didn't want you to have to wake up alone.” 

“But you _are_ here, and I'm fine, or will be, so no need to keep worrying, let's just try to sleep. Everything will be better in the morning.”  He knows neither of them is really going to sleep, not with this bed moving and making all this noise. “And tomorrow we can go home.”  Niall leans over him pressing a kiss to the uninjured section of his forehead.  “And sleep in the recliner, you’ll kill your back sleeping hunched on this bed.”  Harry shoos him away to the chair in the corner and Niall walks over there and gets comfortable. 

Niall relaxing into the seat is the last thing that he sees before he’s out at least for a little while.

His sleep is fractured at best, but he tries.  He’s awake early when the doctor makes his rounds, lets the three of them know they are indeed letting him head home.  Then it’s just a lot of hurry up- then wait. 

It’s almost noon by the time he’s getting ready to be wheeled out, they are giving everyone a crash course in what to look for in head trauma and memory issues, but Harry is not really paying attention because he’s still so sleepy.

It wasn’t until they were signing the paperwork to get discharged that the nurse asks, “Who will be staying with you?”

“I live alone.”  Harry answers, signing his name, just ready to get out of here and get home, be in his own bed.

“I’ll be staying with him,” Niall talks over him and he looks up surprised but Niall is already looking down at him in the wheelchair he’s sitting in. 

“They need someone to watch for head trauma, besides if you think I’m leaving you alone to take care of yourself after this you are an idiot.”  Harry just smiles at him, normally he would try to say he’s okay, Harry was never one to be an inconvenience, but he knows he would lose.  Plus he’s likes feeling this way around Niall, loved, and taken care of.

“Ok.”  Niall grabs the care kit and information from the discharge nurse and them they are on their way.

They make it out of the hospital, to the airport and on the plane with no paparazzi, it’s another one of those times that he just appreciates Jeff because he is just _that_ good.

On the small plane it’s just nice- because it’s quiet except for the whirl of the motors and he’s sandwiched between his mum and Niall.  He can’t help lifting the armrest and curling up under Niall’s arm for the first solid sleep he’s had in two days.

 He’s in and out on the drive home.  But by the time he gets home, instead of putting him to bed, his Mum forces him to the kitchen, sits him at the kitchen table, and makes him soup.  Niall’s disappeared for a bit and he keeps looking for him.   His mum seems to pick up on it and just tells him, “He’s getting settled, bug, you just eat.”   He eats what he can, but he’s done by the time Niall gets back. 

“Ni,” He doesn’t mean for it to sound like he’s pouting but Niall reads him too well, walking his way, to stand beside him.  He turns slinging both arms around Niall waist, resting his head on the curve of his belly.  His hand falls to the back of Harry’s neck and he lets out a moan as the other boy massages gently.  “Bed?”

“Yeah, love, c’mon.”  He hugs his mum, telling her he loves her and thanks her for _everything_ then lets Niall walk him to bed.  Niall helps him strip off his clothes, tucks him in, and he’s out.

He’s up every couple hours, Niall coming in, checking on him, having him take his pain meds and this time he’s just standing in the door watching.  He doesn’t know what time it is but he knows it late.

“Hey. Whatcha doing all the way over there?” Harry asks his throat is a little sore so he turns on his back, reaching for his water bottle and taking quick drinks while he waits for Niall to answer.  But the other boy just seems to hover, looking his fill, and normally Harry doesn’t mind Niall looking at him, but he’d prefer to have him _with_ him.

“Just checking up on you.” He walks in closer and he relaxes as the other boy drops down on the side of the bed.

“I'm good. I promise,” He tells him as he Niall gives him a look of disbelief, “What time is it?” Harry runs a hand over his hair, letting out an _ouch_ when he hits his bruise. Niall laughs softly.

“Almost midnight.” He tells him, “You just keep sleeping.”

“C’mon, climb on in, let’s both get a good night's sleep, you look like death.”  He’s pulling back the covers and there are really only minor bruises on his shoulder where the seat belt did its job locking him in place.

“I don't want to hurt you.”  Niall’s never been a violent sleeper, more a sprawler than anything, but Harry melts a little because it’s kind of obvious over these last couple days- Niall hasn’t said anything yet, but Harry knows. Niall’s well on his way to being in love with him… but he’s pretty sure that there is still some denial involved.

“You won't, besides everything hurts right now.”  He closes his eyes, but forces them back open.  He reaches his hand out towards Niall and pulls it close, pressing a kiss to the top of his hand.

“Not comforting at all, pet. Do you need more pain meds? You can…”

“No, What I really need is you in this bed with me. Lay on your back and I'll curl up next to you. We’ll be fine and then you won't have to stare at me like a creep from the doorway.”

Its dark but Harry guesses that Niall is blushing, he’s sad he can’t see it.  He does however win the argument.  Niall stands, strips off his kit and then climbs into bed next to him.  He takes care to lay his head right on his shoulder, arm around waist, and throw his leg between Niall’s.  This is the most comfortable he’s been since he left, God was it just three days ago?

“Hmm, much better.”

“I’m glad you’re okay.”  Harry counts the beats of Niall’s heart, slow, steady, calm in his chest.

“Me too.  Can’t have it end just when all my dreams are coming true.”  Harry tells him, softly, so he can ignore it he wants.

“Our dreams, pet.  Now go to sleep.” _Our dreams…_ the warmth in his heart radiates out through his chest and he smiles.

“Our dreams, I like it.”  A yawn overtakes him and yeah, he can sleep some more, “G’night love.”  

\----

“Harry! Niall!” He comes awake to Anne yelling their names.  Harry groans into his shoulder tucking into his neck and Niall runs his hand soothingly up and down his back.

“Just a minute Anne.”  Niall calls out, carefully climbing out of bed, trying to let Harry sleep.  It was like they hadn’t moved the entire night.  Harry still using him as his own body pillow.  He's quick to get dressed, brush his teeth in the guest bath where he had thrown his bag last night planning on sleeping there, until Harry convinced him otherwise, and then rushed down stairs.

She was already up in the kitchen making breakfast and putting groceries away.

“How’s he doing?”  She looks better, well rested, smile back in her eyes, and Niall feels well rested too.  So it is all better, at least this morning.

“Good, Good, he’s sleeping.” He gets to work putting the groceries away.

They work in silence, and it's only about ten minutes before, Louis and Eleanor are walking into the kitchen, letting themselves in. He looks at their interlocked fingers and smiles.

“What the hell, El? You can do so much better!”   He ignores Louis’ _Hey_ and he’s wrapping her up in a hug whispering into her ear, “It's good to see you.”  It’s equally as good to see Louis smiling and happy.

“You too,” She says in just a soft whisper, “You make him so happy.”  She pulls away, pats his cheek softly with her hand.  He sometimes forgets that she still talks to Harry- that she was friends with him first.

 She goes over to stand next to Louis, Niall can’t help but love that they seem to be back together.  They always complimented each other so nicely, her calm and polish to Louis brash and crazy.  They were a match made in heaven.  He can’t help but wonder if that’s what people see when they look at him and Harry?

“We brought gifts.” Louis announced setting it on the island as Anne got more food out for them, then stops to finally give hugs to both Louis and Eleanor before they settle at the table to eat.  

It's loud just the four of them, but they finish breakfast and are well into mid-morning when Harry finally makes it down.  He looks so much better than the night before; there is color back in his face and his smile is bright, shining, and Niall wants to kiss his dimples.

“Oh man, look at that shiner,” Louis lopes over and gives him a brief hug before grabbing his chin tilting his face this way and that to observe the impressive bruise on his face.

“Hey, gentle mate,” Harry huffs out but he's still smiling. 

“Here, we got you a ‘we’re glad you didn't die’ present.”  He shoos the bag towards Harry and the other lad peeks inside, but closes the bag when his cheeks flush. 

“There is no ‘we!’ I had nothing to do with that!”  El exclaims giving Harry a gentle hug, before whispering something in his ear that Niall doesn’t catch.

“Uh, thanks, I’ll keep this for later.” Niall can't help but be curious to what's inside that caused the other boy to blush. But it's good to see Harry, awake, standing, talking, joking.  All of it.  It's like the vice around his heart releases and everything is just _good._

Harry makes his way over to him, wrapping his arm around his waist and setting his chin on his shoulder. 

“Do you have any breakfast left over?”  When he looks back this way, over his shoulder, he can't even see the bruise, can't wait to not be able to see it at all -even in his memories.

“Of course, pet, what would you like?” he takes his hand lays it over Harrys threading their fingers together.

“Food, anything, I’m starving.”

Anne leaves, Gemma and Thomas come, Lou and El leave only to be replaced by Liam and a very pregnant Cheryl. They ended up having lunch then tea and with the constant rotation of friends and family it was afternoon before they really even knew it.

Harry disappears after everyone clears out, leaving Niall to clean up but he doesn't really mind.  It is a very welcome distraction.  He’s finally gotten everything all cleaned up in the kitchen but when he gets to the living room to settle in maybe watch some golf, there’s Harry with a guitar and their journals.

“Thought you would be down for the count.” But he doesn't look it; instead he looks excited and bursting at the seams with energy.

“No, I feel much better now and besides I have you all to myself and we can write our song. Or at least work on one. And then we can use Lou’s gift.”  There is playful glint in his eye and his joy is just contagious.  He walks towards him and when he gets there, he stops, leans down and kisses him.  He tries to be extra gentle-so careful, but Harry’s not, hands cupping Niall’s neck to keep him in place as he kisses him.

“Harry-”

“I'm ok, Niall I promise.” Niall just takes in the bright shining eyes, the color back in his face, the full dimpled smile.  He pulls away but he doesn’t leave.  They can give this a shot- hell, he wants to give this a shot.

“Okay, okay, we’ll work on something.”  He sits down, plucking the guitar from Harry, “Wait, what did Tommo get you?”

“Condoms and lube. I mentioned that both of us suck at preparing.”  There’s a tiny blush on his cheek but a wicked glint in his eyes.

“At least I had one.”  Niall can't help but mutter, trying to give himself at least a little credit.

“So the good news is since I was in the hospital they ran my blood and I'm clean.”  Harry is giving him a pretty lecherous look and Niall just smirks.

“Well that was out of nowhere but good to know.”  Niall tells him and Harry blushes just a little bit.

“Well then all we need is for you to get tested and then we can maybe not always need-ya know- so that we can…”  Harry’s hands are moving in strange circles, speaking in cryptic sign language only he understands.

“Harry, are you implying…”  Niall starts, raising a suggestive eyebrow, knowing exactly what the other lad is suggesting but he just loves to him struggle- it’s adorable.

“Yes, that’s what I’m implying, because this is it right?  This is you and me…”  Harry’s gone from bashful to serious, green eyes serious. 

Niall can’t really make it a joke.  He doesn’t want to; instead he finally just lets it happen.  It finally just comes out.  “This is it.  You and me- because in case you haven’t figured it out yet- I’m pretty sure I love you.”  And if he thought Harry’s smile was bright before, he was wrong.  The joy filling the other lad’s face can’t even be described.

“I kinda figured it out when you rushed to my deathbed.”  Harry jokes, but tries to train his face into something serious.  He reaches out to tangles their fingers together in Niall’s lap once he sets the guitar off to the side.

“It wasn’t your death bed, Haz.”  Niall does love him, loves that Harry realizes this is hard and makes it easier on him.  He squeezes Harry’s hands and they look right again, rings on almost every finger instead of bare like they were in the hospital.

“Close enough and it’s so romantic too.  You- rushing to my side to oversee my bedside vigil.”  His lips are ticking up at the corners.  He can’t keep his smile from breaking through again.

“C’mon- it’s not romantic it cliché.”  Niall huffs out, but he’s smiling too, can’t help it.  Harry just looks so happy and he did that, he made that happen; he wants to always make it happen.

“Or-or-wait! I planned it all, paid the other driver to hit me, all for you just to realize that you still love me.  I couldn’t think of anything else… this dating nonsense just wasn’t going to work.  For you it had to be big. Life changing big.”    His face is dramatic and over the top, crazy hand gestures helping to tell his outrageous story.

“Just- what the hell?”  He’s laughing at this point because this is just ridiculous, but he loves it. Loves him. 

“It will be our grand love story.”  Harry tells him almost back to straight-faced but it only last a few seconds until he’s smiling big and bright.

“You’re an idiot.”  He huffs out still laughing.

“Love you too, Ni.”  Harry leans over, letting go of his hand as he moves to lean over Niall.  He keeps his eyes locked on Harry’s green ones and he can read the love and affection there, hopes that now Harry can read the same in his gaze.  He presses up into Harry kissing gently, letting all his love shine through.

It’s not happily ever after- that will be a work in progress- but its good, great,-- actually it’s an amazing start.

  ----

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am not really familiar with the ICU/Hospital in Europe, however the experience here is based on my own personal experience with family members in ICU/CCU.  
> Thank you all so much for following this story. I very much appreciated all the kudos/comments along the way. If it's your first time reading please let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are so very much appreciated. Please let me know what you think and thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Also you can find me on tumblr [Here.](http://catrinahartsnarry.tumblr.com/) I mostly just lurk but feel free to say Hello!


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